Isabelle's story - Verbal and Physical Abuse towards a mother and her children
After rekindling a childhood romance, Isabelle' long dream turned into a verbal and physical abuse story. Initially she thought his presence would help, eventually he became not only abusive toward her and her children, but also threatened her ex-usband. A final violent outburst infront of the children was the final straw.
It started in 2010. My ex-husband who had been cheating on me had moved out. My mom had passed away and I was seriously depressed. It was just then that an old boyfriend from college contacted me. We started talking on the phone and stuff (he lived very far away from me), and I went and visited him. After that we ended up dating again.
I should note here that I have two children with my ex-husband. He is a good father and he loves his children and they love him. I have tried very, very hard to never say anything negative about him in front of the children. Over the last couple of years, my ex-husband and I have been civil with each other and we communicate all issues about our children, and our children know if they want to do something then they have to get both of our approval. So no issues there....
My children did not like my "new" boyfriend, which bothered me, but I tried to stick it out. He would be verbally abusing me by yelling at me for letting my ex-husband park his boat in the garage (that was "betrayal" for him). He yelled at me for not calling the cops when my ex-husband took a broken lawn mower out of my garage (after I had already bought a new one), fixed it and used it to mow grass (another betrayal). He said that my trying to keep the peace between me and my ex-husband for the sake of the kids was also a betrayal of him.
... He called me a manipulator. He called my children evil and vile and any number of things. ...
My kids hated him. Over time, they became extremely disrespectful (which bothered me), but he was constantly yelling, screaming and punching holes in walls. He called me a manipulator. He called my children evil and vile and any number of things. He told my children that their father was evil and vile and was going to hell. He told them they were evil and vile and going to hell. He told me I was evil and vile and going to hell.
I do not like conflict. It is a serious personality flaw that I have. I will do anything to avoid conflict, so I did everything I could to prevent it. I constantly caved in to him, or sometimes I appeared to do as he asked but didn't and, since he was far away, he couldn't confirm it. He threatened to leave me on a regular basis. He threatened to have my ex-husband arrested (by framing him). He threatened to get me fired, or post sexually explicit pictures of me on the internet. He threatened to have my kids taken away from me and put in foster care so that they would get beaten up like they deserved to be for not liking him and being rude to him. I just couldn't take it anymore (still no physical abuse yet).
I broke it off with him becauce of the verbal and physical abuse, and the threats and tried to have no contact with him at all. Then the threats got worse. Finally I contacted his family and asked if they could get him to stop. I was terrified, and he would send me emails and tell me I was terrified because I was evil and everyone was going to know what an abuser I was. He actually said that he never threatened me, and that he was only saying what he could do if he had really wanted to hurt me, but I still, to this day, feel that what he calls 'comments' were made intentionally to scare me into submission.
Verbal and Physical Abuse are not always for apart!
On Labour Day of this year (2013) he showed up at my house (uninvited and unannounced, from his home 1500 miles away). My daughter left and went to stay at her dad's and would not return until he was gone. My son, however, stayed with me. I realize now I should have never let him in the house. We got into a huge fight once again about my ex and my children. I told him to leave. He was upstairs packing and broke a picture (he had already punched holes in the walls and dented the metal garage door with his fist). I went upstairs to see what was going on and proceeded to clean up the glass from the broken picture. That's when the physical abuse and violence started. He threw me on the floor and sat on my back and punched me in the back of the head. I tried to get away so I ran downstairs, but he grabbed my shirt and ripped it off me. He took me back upstairs and told me to sit there and shut the "f" up while he packed.
I was crying and he was screaming at me to shut up. Again, I found myself on the floor with him on top of me and his hands around my neck.
My son was in the house and I was terrified for him, so I kept trying to get away from my abuser but he kept blocking me. I was crying and he was screaming at me to shut up. Again, I found myself on the floor with him on top of me and his hands around my neck. I finally got downstairs and away from his physical abuse and was getting my son and myself out of the house, but he caught and punched me in the jaw three times right in front of my son.
Thankfully, the abuser has gone home now. His parents have promised to keep him away from me if I don't call the cops, so I haven't (although I believe it is a mistake). I have not spoken to him since then. I don't answer his calls and I don't respond to his texts and emails. He keeps claiming he is sorry and that I don't understand, that he is suffering from PTSD and that I should give him another chance, but then tells me I am going to hell for not giving him another chance, so I know he has not changed. I will not respond. Writing this has helped me not respond to his text today that his father is ill.
I don't love him anymore - that is for sure - but I feel guilty about hurting his feelings. I wish I could get past this part of it, but for some reason I cannot. I will just keep staying away. If he shows up at my house again, I will call the cops. My kids need both me and their father in their lives and I refuse to have them grow up in an environment where there is abuse. Hey, maybe it's only a matter of time before he can justify to himself that they deserve to be punished for not listening to him.
It wasn't until he yelled and screamed at my kids about them and their father, and his verbal and physical abuse towards me that I walked away. I didn't think I deserved better, but I did knew they did.
I really hope he finds the help he needs and gets better, but better or not, he will never be a part of my life again. I wish I could have recognized the verbal abuse at the beginning - then I think I would have known and been able to leave. It wasn't until he yelled and screamed at my kids about them and their father, and his verbal and physical abuse towards me that I walked away. I didn't think I deserved better, but I did knew they did. Now I know he never loved me and I do deserve better. Thankfully, through it all, my ex-husband was supportive and understanding towards me, and didn't take the kids away because I allowed this abusive person to ever come within 100 feet of his children.
God Bless Anyone that goes through this.
~ Isabella ~
In This Section:
Domestic Violence Stories
The long-awaited book from our very own Steve from the Hidden Hurt Message Forum as finally arrived!
THE JERK RADAR
Have you ever gone out with someone who seemed perfect at first, but ended
up being a nightmare? Do you find yourself falling in love but ending up feeling
disrespected and used? Would you like to make sure that something like that
never happens to you (or someone you care about) again? If so, this book is
written for you. There are lots of books about how to tell if you're in an
abusive relationship. This is book will keep you from getting into one in
the first place. Jerk Radar will help you see how a Jerk takes advantage of
common cultural expectations and romantic myths to blind you to his true intentions.
It will give you concrete ways to test out his intentions in the course of
a normal conversation. And the Jerk Radar Quiz provides an effective tool
to screen every partner for Jerky tendencies well before obviously selfish
behavior emerges. Full of true stories from abuse survivors, Jerk Radar pulls
no punches in exposing what Jerks do and why we fall for it. This is a useful,
down-to-earth, practical guide to avoiding a bad relationship instead of recovering
from one. Read it today - it just may change your life!
To order in the US: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts
To order in the UK:Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts
Steve McCrea, MS, has worked for over 20 years with survivors
of domestic abuse and their children. He has participated in many local collaboartive
projects on domestic abuse, and has provided community trainings on working
effectively with domestic abuse survivors. He currently works as an advocate
for children in the foster care system. He has volunteered for the past 9
years as facilitator for an on-line abuse survivor community, whose members
contributed most of the stories in the book.
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Real Rape, Real Pain explores though the eyes and feelings the actual impact of marital and imtiate sexual abuse and marital rape. A must read for anyone who has experienced this intrusive and long-lasting form of intimate violence. The book does not just describe and explain, but also helps set us on the road to healing:
To order in the US: Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for women sexually assaulted by male partners
To order in the UK: Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners
When Dad Hurts Mom. This is a must-read for any woman with children still in or finally out of an abusive marriage. He covers the myriad of ways in which children witnessing domestic violence are affected, the prejudice in the legal establishments and the patriartic world has made the life of female and child victims of abuse difficult. And then he gives you tips on how to conquer this situation and help heal our kids from the trauma of witnessing abuse:
To order in the US: When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse
To order in the UK: When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse
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