Who are the Abusers?

Who are the domestic violence abusers? What makes them tick? Is there any way of recognising someone who perpetrates domestic abuse? Can a 'normal' person suddenly become abusive? Can they be helped and will they stop abusing or is it likely to just get worse? Do they suffer from mental illness or personality disorders?

After the more dramatic and publicised Domestic Abuse stories hit the headlines, one often hears comments such as "what sort of Monster would do that" or "Nobody I know would do that sort of thing!". The assumption seems to be that all abusers walk around with a big A for 'abuser' on their forehead, are easily discernable by anyone 'normal' and always comply with the stereotypical image.

In actual fact one of the main problems encountered by victims, friends, family and various agencies dealing with the consequences of an abusive relationship, is how 'normal' the perpetrators of domestic violence seem, how unlike the image so frequently portrayed by the media. In much the same way as we have a mental image of the 'stranger' on the street we have to be wary of as children, we grow up with an image in our minds of the sort of looks, gender, class and behaviour or other criteria by which we might expect to be able to recognise abusers. The basic message though is that there are no definite criteria which allow us to instantly recognise a potential perpetrator of domestic violence, though there are warning signs of an abusive personality.

This section of Hidden Hurt tries to address the question of who the abuser actually is, are there any tell-tale signs which could indicate an abusive personality, how does an abusive relationship actually work, if you think you may be abusive, where do you get help, and above all, why does one person abuse another, and is there any hope of the abuse stopping?

Please click on the links below for some of the possible answers to these questions.

• Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
• The Cycle of Abuse
• The Power and Control Wheel
• I think I may be abusive ... what can I do?
• The Dominator - provided by Pat Craven
• How To Tell They are Not Changing Their Abusive Behavior - on the Rhiannon3 site (US)
• Mr Wrong and Mr Right - provided by Pat Craven
• What about alcohol and domestic abuse?

Sometimes we think of abuse as being singular, ie only one form of abuse taking place in a relationship, eg 'he is sexually abusive', or 'she is emotionally abusive'. In reality perpetrators will often use several different types of abusive behaviour to control and manipulate their partner. Abuse is not a one-off incident, but a systematic method of maintaining power and control within a relationship.

The Power and Control Wheel helps us to understand just how central the issues of power and control are no matter what form the abuse takes, and can also help us realise different areas in which abuse occurs. While the Cycle of Abuse looks at the phases typically experienced by someone suffering from domestic abuse.

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