Louise's Domestic Violence Story
Louise ignored all the warning signs of an abusive personality, and soon found herself deeply involved with a married man with a history of violence. This is her domestic violence story.:
I met J last March 2006. He worked as a doorman in a local pub, we clicked instantly and had a lot in common. My friend mentioned the spark between us, I brushed it off as it was his job to keep the customers happy and as we were the only people in the bar at the time it seemed he was just passing time, plus I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. I was up and down to London for work at this present time so I said my goodbyes and thought nothing of it ... until a few months later when we had a work function and it was being held in this particular bar, it was summer by this time.
The night of the work do he was working on the door, and as soon as he saw me he made a beeline for me and commented that he couldn't believe I was single as I had it all there and that guys must have something wrong with them. I took this as a compliment and was very very flattered by all this. He kept popping in and out of the back bar and we talked most of the evenings, he commented to my friend how lovely I was, and noted my perfume by Gucci and it floated his boat. By this time I had begun to feel really attracted to J, but told myself no he is married, strictly off limits, though his actions hardly showed a happily married man. I said bye to J as we left the bar but I couldn't stop thinking about him - it was like an animal attraction.
Over the summer months I frequented the bar just to see him and after a while we arranged to meet up. He told me his marriage was over and he only stayed for the children. Like a fool I fell for it and our affair began. At first he was wonderful, constantly ringing me and texting me, telling me he really liked me (looking back now this was the first warning sign), he then went on about the guilt he felt so, I suggested we end the affair as it had only been a few weeks. But he said 'no let him deal with the guilt, he liked me too much'. I was so blinded by my feelings for him and how he made me feel that I agreed to continue, even though I felt torn apart by guilt too.
He was very intense but stupidly I put this down to him being miserable at home and the fact he had really fallen for me. Things were great for a while. I found it odd he rang so much and was always with me and never home, but again thought it was because he was miserable and needed me. Again, looking back, this was another warning sign - he would get impatient if I didn't text him straight back or missed his telephone calls and made me feel bad so I would apologise. We then started going to the gym together. He criticised my T-shirt as it wasn't designer and said that I wasn't working hard enough. I laughed it off and just thought he was a bit of a wally. We had been together a month when I commented to a friend that he was intense. I did find it overbearing but again put it down to his home life. He also told me he didn't want me to be his secret - I thought maybe he was thinking of leaving. Looking back I feel so stupid.
The next evening I went out with friends and arranged to meet him later, he insisted on dropping me off, he criticised my top for being low, I just told him he was getting old (he was 13 years older than me). During the evening he rang me every half an hour, he was really annoying me as I wanted to enjoy my evening. Friends also commented on this. We met up later that evening with two of his friends. He then introduced me as his brother's girlfriend. I wasn't happy about this and stormed out the pub. I reminded him of his comment the previous evening about not wanting to be a secret, he told me to fuck off and have a nice life. I was very upset so went back to meet my friends who were still out. Then he was on the phone begging me to meet him at a club, so like a fool I did. He then got jealous when I spoke to a male friend I had known for years. I told J he had no right as he was married, and we then stayed up till 6 am in the morning talking. I was crying as I had fallen for him but couldn't continue the relationship, he told me he loved me and begged me not to end the relationship. I told him I would get some sleep and call him around lunchtime the next day. Before I had a chance to do this I had 11 missed calls from J saying shame on me for ignoring him and that he couldn't concentrate. I then found him camped on my doorstep, he said he loved me to the max and that he wanted to give me everything all the other men couldn't, and I was so blinded by him that I let the relationship continue.
By this time looking back he was in total control, almost obsessed by me. I found his constant attention stifling but he had such a force over me I couldn't seem to function without him, he became the air I breathed and the food I ate. We spent so much time together I forgot he was married, he took me to work and picked me up from work, phoned and texted at least 10 times a day and when I went out he insisted I went to the bar so he could see me and if I left, he would constantly phone and insist on picking me up after, so I always went home at 1 am, much to the disgust of my friends. Again, looking back, this was to ensure I didn't get too drunk or meet anyone else. He basically had me under 24/7 surveillance, my sleep patterns were disturbed: weekends I barely got to bed before 6 am and in the week he worked nights and would disturb me in the early hours sneaking into my bed.
In late September things started to go wrong in the relationship. His constant checking up on me had got me down. He started to twist things and say hurtful things like how happy his marriage was. I told him to leave and go back to that life, but he wouldn't. He would call me a 'selfish cunt', every vile name under the sun, then blame me, calling me a head-fuck, saying his role in life was to sort out the disadvantaged people like myself. I began to withdraw and lost over a stone in weight - I'm only 9 stone anyway, so you can imagine how thin I got. Work started to suffer and friends and family were getting alarmed. I just wanted out of this sham but the more I fought him, the tighter he got. I started to believe it when he told me I was a head-fuck and really did think I was going mad.
I thought I would get two weeks grace when he went on a family holiday to Cyprus. This was the perfect chance for me to end it, how wrong was I. He was worse in the two weeks he was away. I lost a further half stone, and the verbal abuse became worse. Every phone call and text he called me a brainless cunt, I felt powerless to stop him as I loved him and believed I was to blame. When he got back he phoned to inform me he was coming round to sort me out, and made me feel guilty for ruining his holiday. It resulted in a slanging match and him getting me in a headlock. This resulted in the police being called, and this was the beginning of hell for me. J thinks he is above the law and doesn't respect authority, he called me a grass bitch and wanted the money he had lent me to move house back - £200. He said until I paid him he would make my life a living hell, I thought I deserved this treatment so asked the police not to pursue the complaint. From October until February this year he made my life a living hell. He demanded his money back, which I gave him, he chose the day my best friend's mother was buried to claim his money. He made me feel like I had lost the plot, every insult imaginable, he would grab my hair and say "bitch lets fuck that's what whores do", and I let him, he took intimate pictures of me as punishment for calling the police and threatened to put them on the net. I was then accused of writing to his wife, and he forced me to do a handwriting test which I did. He then decided I was off the hook for now, then when my washing machine broke I used a colleagues who lived nearby by to sort it out, and J accused me of sleeping with him and took to sniffing the mattress to sniff out other men.
Still I couldn't walk away despite friends begging me too, I had really become his victim. Not a day went by when he didn't abuse me verbally or mentally or violate me sexually, but he had made me forget what was real so I let him do it, thinking I owed him this. I then plucked up the courage to tell him I didn't want anymore of this. He said "it will end when I am ready, I have control, not you". Then he would start to abuse me via text, blaming me for fucking his night up and 'are you happy, is that what you want'. He would blame me for arguments at home saying it was my fault he was feeling guilty, this was his way of punishing me. I often thought what his wife goes through and why she stays but now I understand. If I dared to go out he would call me a slag, if I spoke to a male friend then he hassled me with abuse until the early hours of the morning.
It all came to a head in February after yet another row because I went out. I finally found the courage to stand up to this pathetic vicious bully, it resulted in him trying to strangle me twice, and being pulled around my flat by my hair until it fell out in clumps. Some inner strength was with me that night: I called the police and he was arrested on the scene. We are now awaiting a trial date and I am hanging on by my finger tips. He has breached bail 3 times and each time been released. He still blames me, has shown no remorse, and his wife is still with him. I carry a personal alarm everywhere, jump at the slightest sound and only feel safe at work. I have been through every emotion possible yet still feel to blame, and a sick part of me misses him. I have good strong days but very dark ones too. I know I can get through this and pray that justice is done. It has since transpired that he has a history of violence against women - his wife included - yet still I feel to blame. A part of me feels I will never be free of J, convicted or not, yet I have to remain strong and focus on the future without him. We were only together 10 months yet it feels like it lasted a lifetime. I hope one day I will truly be free.
Return from Louise's Domestic Violence Story to Domestic Violence Stories
In This Section:
Domestic Violence Stories
Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:
To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Real Rape, Real Pain explores though the eyes and feelings the actual impact of marital and imtiate sexual abuse and marital rape. A must read for anyone who has experienced this intrusive and long-lasting form of intimate violence. The book does not just describe and explain, but also helps set us on the road to healing:
To order in the US: Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for women sexually assaulted by male partners
To order in the UK: Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners
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