Mandy - Teen Domestic Violence Story
Mandy's story of teen domestic violence in relationships led to the devastating loss of her unborn child. Teen abuse is real and serious. This is her very sad story:
I am 17, from the UK and am in my first year of 6th form.
I had an ex boyfriend (R) who was violent towards me from the time I was 15 till 16. At first our relationship was fine, but I got into a bad crowd and started taking drugs alongside him. Being addicted to anything is probably the worst feeling in the world. I knew I had no control over my body. Cocaine was all I thought of. Our circle of friends were perfect for feeding our addiction because the drugs were so easy to access we didn't pay for it most of the time. It was constant parties involving drink and drugs. Because of the addiction, my hair became thinner and I was very slim. This has had a lasting effect on me because I am off the drugs and now am at a healthy weight but I have an eating disorder because I'm not used to looking like this.
I thought I was pregnant in the summer just before I went on holiday but I tried not to think about it and just hoped it would go away. By then, R had started to hit me when we would argue. I didn't think it was serious at all. If I wouldn't leave a topic alone or go to bed and not want sex he'd shout. I would try to ignore it but it made it worse. One night, I rolled over and pulled the duvet up. I remember that night clearly because it shocked me so much. R called my name twice and rubbed my legs trying to persuade me to have sex. I shrugged him off and all of a sudden he grabbed my arms and turned me around. I started to cry as he was screaming in my face. He slapped me and hit my head off the wall. I cried the most I ever had that night but I didn't leave him. He told me I had to have sex with him to prove I still loved him.
It ended up worse and more casual like at parties if I was taking too long to get my things he'd scream in my face and drag me out gripping the back of my neck. The night could end with him punching me and slapping my face and no matter how much I cried he wouldn't stop. I found out I was 4 1/2 months pregnant but told him "I thought I was pregnant" in case of a bad reaction. He was happy. That got me scared and I thought of the things I wouldn't be able to do and how he would have a bigger hold on my life. I got worried and spoke to him about it. A termination wasn't an option but I just wanted him to change. He went ballistic and threw his Xbox at me. I was screaming and kept saying okay but he was in a zone. Coked up and high, he dragged me by my hair off the bed and hit my head against the door. He punched me in my stomach and kept knocking my head. I kept trying to push him away but he wouldn't stop. This is how I had my first miscarriage.
We broke up after I came back from holiday and I stopped using and tried to focus in school. 5 months later we spoke again and he cried and told me how sorry he was and I believed him. I slept with him twice after and found out I was pregnant at 4 months. I decided I would keep it and told my friend. She was supportive but said I should consider an abortion. I didn't need to because R made me lose another baby. We argued over the situation and I was careful not to get him too mad so he didn't hit me. I lied and told him I wasn't pregnant and I was just bloated because I wanted him to have no involvement. This led to another fight and he slapped me and kept punching me till I was in a corner on the floor.
I don't speak to him now and realise how foolish I was. I wish I could turn back time but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have learnt a valuable lesson and most certainly won't go back there! I want other people to get out of their DV relationships now because it will continue! I also want others to know that they are not alone and although it is a hard journey to get over it. It is worth it. I am completely off cocaine though I smoke 10 cigarettes a day as a kind a replacement. A bit of a cycle I guess from one addiction to another.
I am sooo ashamed of my past I don't even like thinking about it. I am ashamed I let my boyfriend control and literally beat me so I would listen. I do most definitely put a lot of blame on myself because I know I am responsible. I shouldn't have let him back in. My friend is supportive but we don't talk about it anymore because I can't. I don't understand why I can't just forget but it's awful knowing I am a mother without a child. The feeling and flutters of my baby growing inside of me and then for it to just stop. I feel empty since that day and it won't go away.
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In Love and in Danger is one of the only books available on dating violence and abusive relationships that addresses young adults directly. Includes facts about dating violence, tips for how to tell if your relationship is abusive, information on why dating abuse happens, and what you can do if you are being abused by (or are abusing) someone you love.
To order in the US: In Love and In Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships
To order in the UK: In Love and in Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships
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Real Rape, Real Pain explores though the eyes and feelings the actual impact of marital and imtiate sexual abuse and marital rape. A must read for anyone who has experienced this intrusive and long-lasting form of intimate violence. The book does not just describe and explain, but also helps set us on the road to healing:
To order in the US: Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for women sexually assaulted by male partners
To order in the UK: Real Rape, Real Pain: Help for Women Sexually Assaulted by Male Partners
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