Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

Recovering from Abuse - Shifting Perspective

Adapted from the book Bullied by Neville Evans

Recovering from abuse, where we have be bullied or harassed can cause us a great deal of distress. Sometimes stress and worry can spiral out of control and we can add to that feeling of despair. On top of the problems experienced while being abused and bullied, we can create our own personal problems while trying to recover from abuse and walk around with a permanent grey cloud.

While we are recovering from abuse, it can be difficult , because we become unaware that we continually repeat the hurt and upset that we have been feeling. Our mind will focus on an upsetting event and constantly play the event over and over again. Imagine if you were made to watch a scary horror film - how do you feel after you have watched the film? Imagine watching the film on ten occasions one after the other - how would you feel? Repeating the hurt that you have received helps no one. You become more negative and people avoid you, and you become more frustrated and add to the problem. Our experiences of abuse have often left us with a persistent perspective of our life and other people. This article is about shifting that perspective on our journey of recovering from abuse.

The problem of repeating negative emotions such as anger, hatred, and mistrust is very serious. When we repeat the hurt we relive the bullying and abuse and we make it look, feel and seem bigger. We have created a monster that does not actually exist. This is ironic, as the bully also repeats the same habit prior to abusing you. If you feel that this is happening to you, you need to take a break, re-assess and take a different perspective. The following ideas may help you. Make your own self care plan and keep it with you for life. If things are getting too much, revert back to your self care plan. Sometimes we do forget to look after ourselves, or don't know how to.

Use Visualization As A Coping Tool

When the person bullying you is particularly nasty visualise them standing as a small clown with a big red nose. Use any type of visualization that helps you make light of a situation.

Focus On Something Else

Getting away from your troubles will allow you to reflect differently. The solution to life's troubles is sometimes right under our noses and focusing on something else helps us to see things differently.


Do not add to your busy life. A good old fashioned day off is just what the doctor ordered. Do the things that comfort you; take a nice hot bath, read a book, eat chocolate, or have a massage.

Do not Drink Alcohol

Alcohol is a depressant and will make you feel more depressed the next day. Using alcohol to try to solve your problems will inevitably lead to further feelings of despair.

Eat Regular Meals That Are Well Balanced And Contain The Correct Nutrients

Skipping meals adds to fatigue and stress. Certain foods are mood boosters.

Get A Good Night's Sleep

After a good night's sleep we begin the day in a better frame of mind. Try and keep to the same routine. Go to bed at 10 pm and rise at about 7 am.

Happiness List

Make a list of all the things that make you feel happy. Carry the list with you and read it once in a while. Focus on the feeling of happiness. Do the things that make you feel happy and treat yourself.

Help Others

Helping others helps you. By making someone else's life more pleasurable you gain friendship, support, skills, respect and new opportunities.

Have Fun

Be spontaneous and decide to do something new; push your boundaries and enjoy the moment.

Look After Your Pet

If you do not have to own your own pet you could instead walk a neighbour's dog or go and help at the local cattery. Animals offer so much happiness.


Exercise has been proven to lift your mood. You do not have to be super fit as 20 minutes of exercise a day is all you need to do. Start slowly and build yourself up. Exercise has to be fun otherwise you will not commit to getting fit.

Meet New People Or Start A New Hobby

The old saying "A change is as good as a rest" is certainly true. A new direction in life can offer new opportunities. Education is an attitude of mind and helps to broaden your experiences. Look in your local library or town hall. Research groups on the internet.

Play Music

Classical music works on different levels and has a soothing effect on your mind, body and soul. The power of music is astonishing.

Write Poetry

Writing poetry allows us to express our inner feelings and helps us make sense of our world.

Walk In The Country

The green pastures of the countryside relax and soothe us, and combining the elements with exercise will rejuvenate you. The peace and tranquillity of nature has a calming effect.

Visit Your Friends And Family

Being around the people who matter to us helps us to reaffirm who we are and what we stand for. Visiting the people who care for us gives us an opportunity to talk and express ourselves.

Start The Day With Meditation

Your perception of the world starts with you. Starting the day with a clear mind allows you to concentrate and listen clearer. Qualities such as patience, calmness and tolerance develop. By becoming more centred you co-operate and have the ability to choose your responses to difficult situations. The article on Using Meditation to Heal Emotions explains how meditation can help us recover from abusive relationships and also provides some helpful meditations.

Article kindly provided by Neville Evans of Bullied Publishing, all writing is subject to copyright, however please feel free to disseminate to any person in need.

Other Articles by Neville Evans on this site:

Return from Recovering from Abuse - Shifting Perspective to Domestic Violence Articles

Leaving Abusive Relationships and Your Safety
Safety Planning in Abusive Relationships
Thinking about Leaving
Affirmations and the inner critic
Self-hypnosis and Relaxation
Self-care following Trauma
Surviving Domestic Abuse

Recommended Reading:

Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:

To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is the book to accompany the Freedom Programme in the UK. This book should be compulsory in schools - the information is so clear and so obvious and such an eye-opener! After studying domestic violence issues for years, this is the one book which finally enabled me to click it all into place and answer all my whys. Just read it:

To order in the US: Living With the Dominator (Kindle version only - and well worth buying a Kindle just to get this book!)

To order in the UK: Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1

Click on the donate botton below to support Hidden Hurt. Thanks you.

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone number 0808 2000 247

About Neville Evans

Neville EvansNeville Evans is a serving police officer in the UK police service. Neville has written three self published books that are the result of ten years of policing experience. Neville says "Policing by its very nature exposes police officers to a large number of situations. Within this experience police officers meet many different people who are experiencing social problems such as domestic violence, hate crime, bullying and street violence. I wrote my first two books to try and address these issues. The books have been written from a needs perspective. When a person is living in a chaotic situation, their thinking patterns narrow. This narrowing stops them from seeing opportunities for safety, protection, legal remedies and emotional support. My job is to help you see that there are real opportunities that can be used to help and support you."

Neville has received recognition for his work from a variety sources and has been nominated for a number of prestigious awards. Neville says "I am only as successful as the last person that I have helped, I hope that this can be you".

To order books by Neville Evans in the US go to: Books by Neville Evans

To order books by Neville Evans in the UK go to: Books by Neville Evans

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