SAFETY PLANNING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Adapted from the book Bullied by Neville Evans.
In an abusive relationship your Personal Safety is at risk. The
abuser's JEKYLL and HIDE personality is unpredictable at first,
however the longer you stay, the more predictable it may become.
It is important to try and see a pattern, what triggers the abuser
to act in a particular way. In essence this form of personal flexibility
(you are adapting to his outburst's) becomes a subtle form of control
(you are changing your behaviour because of his abusive behaviour).
Please don't become stubborn, remember planning your safety allows
you to have an element of flexibility and control. You are managing
an abusive situation and successfully stopping more physical abuse.
It's easier to try and control the physical signs of abuse, but
the abuser is making you feel hurt and upset inside. The emotional
damage is unseen. The articles on Recovering from Abuse - Shifting
Perspective and Using
Meditation to Heal Emotions, can hopefully help you to deal
with the emotional tourmoil encountered in abusive relationships.
What Happens To Us When We Are Confronted With Violence?
When we are confronted with the threat of violence we can become
scared or angry. You will notice many swirling feelings within your
body. You may feel extremely nervous with butterflies in your stomach.
Some people feel sick and paralysed with fear. All these feelings
are perfectly normal. This is an aspect of fear called the fight
or flight response. Evolution has prepared you for the threat of
violence. Your prehistoric brain has developed a natural response
to the threat of violence. Thousands of years ago our ancestors
relied on this response daily. Our ancestors had to avoid predators
and fight with warring tribes. Your body is preparing to run or
fight.
Unfortunately the threat of violence is still with us today, however,
it is small when we compare it to what our ancestors had to go through.
Our brain transmits messages to the adrenal glands. These special
glands release adrenaline. The hormone adrenaline is a special transmitter
and travels around the body in an instant. It makes your heart beat
quicker, your breathing rate increases, you become stronger and
your tolerance to pain increases. Your reactions become faster and
you can run and jump further. You are ready for action.
Sometimes when our bully torments us this natural reaction can
have the reverse effect. You may become more agitated and stressed.
Sometimes this can make the situation worse. If you feel yourself
getting uptight and nervous take some deep breaths and say to yourself,
"It is normal to feel like this." You will remain calmer.
Fear is only natural, as such try and control your anger and remain
receptive to the events unfolding in front of you.
What Is Happening To The Bully Prior To Becoming Violent?
The bully at this point is going through a period of intense anger.
The bully loses all mental control. His mind is making the situation
worse. He is repeating and re-living all the anger in his mind.
The bully is like a hamster in a wheel - he is going around and
around, but not getting anywhere. However, if you remain calm in
a confrontational situation you are in control. Being able to think
is the key to diffusing conflict and avoiding violence.
How do I recognise the stages of confrontation?
Situational Awareness
Keep your head up and look around you. Every now and again look
behind you. Gather information, and use your eyes and ears.
The Stare
The bully will hold his stare across the room, and is looking
for you to catch his gaze. This stage of awareness is an opportunity
for you to avoid confrontation. Do not make it obvious but keep
a watch over the bully.
The Question
If you have been indecisive and have not avoided the bully, you
are ready for the next stage of confrontation. Your bully is going
to project his feelings of inadequacy onto you and make you the
problem. He will say, "HAVE YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME?" What
he is really saying is, "I am insecure, and I have a problem
with you." Be aware that at this stage he has already planned
to attack you. He may attack you verbally or physically depending
on the circumstances.
The Body Language
His body language will change as the situation escalates. Even
at the first stage look for the vital signs of body language that
demonstrates violence. Communication is mostly through body language.
He will get closer to you. His chest will be inflated like a balloon,
and his arms will puff outwards like a bird. He will stand tall
and appear robotic. When he talks he will use his hands and point
in a stabbing motion. His face will redden and his eyes will bulge,
and his teeth may show. His jaw will tighten and he will appear
bigger. He will constantly look around. He may stamp the floor.
The Provocation
Here it becomes increasingly tense. The bully will mutter words
like, "Yeah, yeah, so, so." At this stage it will be almost
impossible to communicate with them. What the bully is doing is
target picking. He's looking at your body and deciding when and
where he is going to attack you. The provocation can last some time
depending on the bully. A violent bully will build up to this stage
in a matter of split seconds. He will also swear at you.
The Attack
The distance between you and the bully will shorten and he may
look for a sign of attacking opportunity, this will depend your
own body language.
The majority of attackers are right-handed and right-footed. Do
you know if your bully is right or left handed? In most cases your
bully is going to throw a right hand hooking punch to the head.
This isn't always the case as some like to grab and pull your hair.
What Can I Do About It?
You cannot change a bully, only a bully can do that. You have
to adapt to the bully's behaviour and make quick decisions.
Situational Awareness
Keep your head up and look around you, and every now and again
look behind you. Gather information, and use your eyes and ears.
Anticipate problems before they arise. Think Safety PLAN. Think
VULNERABILITY.
The Stare
It is absolutely normal to avoid confrontation and aggression.
If you don't want to fight or argue, then avoid the bully and leave
the area. There are many factors to consider at this stage. Is he
bigger and more aggressive than you? Has he been drinking alcohol?
Does he have a history of violence? If your sixth sense starts to
answer, "yes", to these questions. Prepare yourself. Do you
have a panic alarm handy? Where is your defence spray? Where are
you going to run?
Consider The Cheap Shot
The abuser may try and entice you into what is called the cheap
shot. What they will do is ask a stupid question and then attack
you. (This is a technique that distracts and confuses you).
For example:
Bully : What's the time?
Abused : Looks at her watch and is distracted
Bully: Attacks, and slaps you across the face.
Bully : Let me stroke your hair, I am sorry I did those
things.
Abused : Guard is dropped,
Bully: Attacks and pulls her hair.
Bully : You look really sexy when you stand like that.
Abused : Stands in a vulnerable position
Bully: Attacks easily.
The Question
If your bully comes close, then step away, keep your hands up,
and turn your palms outwards. Stand at a 45 degree angle, tuck your
chin in and talk at a distance. Move side to side when talking to
them. Say to them firmly "NO, I don't WANT TROUBLE. I don't WANT
TO FIGHT." don't turn your back on them and keep to the wall.
Appear to give into them. Remember that by complying with their
rules you are giving them a sense of control. You are also playing
for time and preparing to respond.
The Body Language
Appear non-confrontational and keep your hands and palms facing
outwards. This is a ploy as it tells the bully you are not willing
to fight and gives them a sense of power. Tell them what they want
to hear and keep on saying it even if it is, "I am sorry, I am
sorry." Give them power.
Many women, who have been beaten by their partners, say sometimes
it is best to say very little. By saying very little you do not
add to the problem (in his mind). Every case is different and you
will be the best person to decide.
The Provocation
Do not argue and try to remain calm. Keep well away from them.
They are dangerous but you have options: you can run away, you can
activate your panic alarm, spray them with defence spray, or you
can attack.
The Attack
If you are getting attacked keep moving away from them. Cover
your face and try and protect yourself. Do not let them get too
close. Keep on shouting, "HELP, HELP, STOP, STOP."
Now that I have given an explanation of the stages of
a violent confrontation, consider the following safety planning
advice.
- don't drink alcohol together - The probability of a violent
attack increases. If he insists, try and pour some lemonade into
your drink. Alcohol reduces your ability to run, fight and escape.
- You cannot reason with a drunk person, don't try and tell him
what to do, if he is starting to pick on you, make the decision
for him and get out of his way. I have spent hundreds of hours
pleading with drunk people, it doesn't work.
- Keep him fed and watered. Why on earth would someone tell me
do this? Simply, physiological stress has a major impact on the
brain. If someone has the abusing personality and he is hungry
and drunk, the probability of violence increases ten fold. If
he is drinking alcohol, make sure he eats something too. It will
stop him from getting really drunk. It may help you.
- Plan your safety around sporting events. If he is a football
fan, consider when his team are playing. When the abuser's team
wins, the probability of violence, believe it or not increases.
If he is going drinking all day with the lads plan to stay with
a family member or close friend. In Wales on match day (six nations
rugby), incidents of Domestic Violence increase by 35%!
- Pack a getaway suitcase and include all the family essentials:
money, passports, birth certificates, cheque book, bank cards,
identification, keys for your house, keys for work, legal documents,
prescription drugs, clothing, benefit books and your driving licence.
In extreme cases get copies of these important documents.
- Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency.
- don't stay and face the violence. Seek help from a friend or
neighbour, and get the children out of the house.
- Consider purchasing a Howsar quick lock. This
handy lock will give you time to get away. The portable lock allows
you to lock a door in a short amount of time. Employ a diversionary
tactic first "I am putting some make up on" or
"I am getting you a beer from the fridge". Lock the escape
door and get out of the house.
- Keep your mobile on you at all times and make sure it has sufficient
credit. You can get a prefix security number for your phone. For
example if you press and hold 3, then your mobile will ring 999
or a security company. Another good idea, is to silently ring
999, keep the phone off the receiver and if he gets near to you
start shouting. Police forces in the UK will respond immediately
to such incidents.
- Add in your mobile phone a list of useful telephone numbers
e.g. solicitor, doctor, crisis centre, etc. Put these contacts
under your friends' names.
- There are also imitation keep-safes on the market, that will
allow you to stash money etc. For example Solon Security make
an imitation candle holder that doubles as a safety box.
- Find the details of your nearest sheltered accommodation or
crisis centre.
THINK VULNERABILITY
- If he is becoming aggressive then stay away from the kitchen
and garage. There are many implements that could be used as weapons
and cause serious injury. I remember a case when a man threw a
hot scolding kettle at his partner.
- It sounds silly but put things away, e.g. children's toys,
they may prevent you from escaping and they can also be used as
weapons.
- Ornaments can also be dangerous e.g. It's amazing how many
people own samurai swords etc.
- Animals can seriously add to a violent household, for example
pit bull dogs get very agitated in violent encounters. They pose
a very real risk to all your family.
- don't go upstairs because many women are thrown down them.
Avoid places where you could be trapped as he may lock you inside.
- You're vulnerable when you are combing your hair, using hair
straighteners or cleaning with acid based products.
The Law And The Use Of Reasonable Force
The law in the UK allows you to defend yourself with reasonable
force, which is force that is proportional to the threat that you
are faced with. This is a subjective idea that depends on the individual
circumstances. In basic terms if you are faced with one attacker,
who is throwing punches at you, and you retaliate with a hard punch
and you put your attacker to the floor, and then you run away, you
are acting with reasonable force. If you stayed at the scene and
continued to attack, you could be acting outside the law. Remember
the law protects both of you and does not take sides.
Article kindly provided by Neville Evans of Bullied Publishing,
all writing is subject to copy write, however please feel free to
disseminate to any person in need. All products listed are available
from www.the-bully.com
Other Articles by Neville Evans on this site:
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