Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

The Dominator

This information on The Dominator has kindly been provided by Pat Craven who runs The Freedom Programme ©

To exemplify the differing beliefs held and tactics used by the domestic violence perpetrator the Freedom Programme© uses the character of the Dominator, comparing it to the character of the Friend. The different faces or types of abuse are all aspects of the Dominator's personality which he uses to control his partner:

The dominatorTo view a larger picture, click on the image (opens in new window).

The Bully

  • Uses intimidation to control us, eg glares, shouts, smashes things, sulks

The Headworker

  • Uses emotional abuse to control us, eg puts us down, tells us that we are too fat, too thin, ugly, useless, stupid, etc

The Badfather

  • Uses the children to control us, eg says we are bad mothers, turns the children against us, uses access to harrass us, threatens to take the children away, persuades us to have 'his' baby, then refuses to help care for it

The Jailer

  • Isolates us, eg stops us from working and seeing friends, tells us what to wear, keeps us in the house, seduces our friends/family

The Liar

  • Minimises or denies any abuse, blames us or other factors for it, uses excuses, eg says it was 'only' a slap, blames drink, stress, overwork, us, unemployment, etc

The King of the Castle

  • Controls us by treating us as second class citizens, eg treats us as a servant/slave, says women are for sex, cooking and housework, expects sex on demand, controls all the money

The Sexual Controller

  • Uses sex to control us, eg rapes us, won't accept 'No' as an answer, keeps us pregnant, OR refuses our advances

The Persuader

  • Uses coercion or threats to control us AFTER we have left or reported him to wheedle his way back into the relationship, eg threatens to hurt or kill us or our children, cries, says he loves us, threatens to kill himself, threatens to report us to Social Services, DSS, etc

About the Freedom Programme

The Freedom Programme © was put together and is run by Pat Craven and evolved from her work with perpetrators of domestic violence. The Programme is primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, since research shows that in the vast majority of cases abuse is male on female. Both women and men who are the perpetrators of abuse can also be helped to change their attitudes and actions, with the new Home Study Course.

The Freedom Programme© examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of women victims and survivors. The aim is to help women who have experience domestic violence to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess.

The Freedom Programme© is usually delivered as a rolling programme, which means that you can join at any time, and comprises 12 sessions, looking at the different aspects or personalities within the Dominator, together with the effect of domestic violence on any children living in the home.

Find out more about the Freedom Programme.

The Freedom Programme

Return from The Dominator to The Abusers

In This Section:

Related Pages:

Recommended Reading:

Bullied: A Survivor's Handbook for People Affected by Domestic Violence, School Bullying and Work Place Bullying by Neville Evans

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield

Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:

To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is the book to accompany the Freedom Programme in the UK. This book should be compulsory in schools - the information is so clear and so obvious and such an eye-opener! After studying domestic violence issues for years, this is the one book which finally enabled me to click it all into place and answer all my whys. Just read it:

To order in the US: Living With the Dominator (Kindle version only - and well worth buying a Kindle just to get this book!)

To order in the UK: Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1

Click on the donate botton below to support Hidden Hurt. Thanks you.

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone number 0808 2000 247

For a sample chapter from the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, go to www.freedomprogramme.co.uk. The Chapter can be downloaded, printed and given to professionals (solicitors, social workers, etc) to help them understand the dynamics of living with an abusive person.

"I have been on the Freedom Programme and have a copy of Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and really cannot recommend it too highly. It helped me finally understand what had been happening in my marriage and also helped me understand how my own beliefs had allowed me to get into such an abusive and unhealthy relationship. It really was one of those AHA! moments!

I think one of the most helpful and encouraging aspects is that as well as explaining simply the underlying beliefs and the sort of behaviour the perpetrators of domestic abuse employ, Pat's book also shows us the opposite, The Friend, which means that not only are we aware of what to avoid, but also gives us a much better idea of what a healthy, non-abusive relationship looks like - every chapter in the book ends on a positive. Thanks Pat!"

(Lindsey Mason, webmaster of Hidden Hurt.)

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