Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

Abuse Examples


The following are some abuse examples suffered during her marriage by just one woman - Allison. This list shows quite clearly how different forms of abuse are interrelated, one never occuring in isolation, but as a pattern of behaviour with intent. If you take any one of these examples by itself, you could be misled into thinking it was just a misunderstanding, a foolish act, a bit of a juvenile or immature response to some perceived harm, but put all the incidents together, and it is a completely different story!

  • Husband spent joint Christmas money
  • Pulled all wires and boards out of computer so that I could not use it.
  • Smashed up all my discs with my college work and programs.
  • Deleted all my files from computer
  • Changed passwords on my e-mail and instant messenger so that I could not access them without his permission.
  • Put holes in bedroom walls, kitchen walls and broke spindles on banister.
  • Smashed up alarm clocks and lamps.
  • Tipped me out of bed numerous times so that I could not sleep.
  • Dictated where I could sleep and when, then he kept me awake either by playing loud music or by annoying me.
  • Continually called me names in front of the children and undermined my authority with them.
  • Raised his voice and argued with me in front of the children.
  • Pushed me around in front of the children.
  • Threatened to kill me.
  • Told me that I would never be free of him that he would make it his sole life purpose to make my life hell.
  • Took me by the throat and bashed my head off the oven door.
  • Would not allow me to use the phone.
  • Would not allow me to watch his TV.
  • Would only allow me to play his choice of music.
  • Critisised my housekeeping and child rearing skills.
  • Denied me housekeeping money.
  • Ignored family members when they came to visit.
  • Insisted that I be there to make his dinner on my mornings off college.
  • If I went out to visit family members then I was not allowed to be long.
  • Left me to pay rent, gas, electricity, food, clothing, Xmas gifts, house insurance etc. with the money I received for college and child benefit.
  • If I refused to have sex then I was subjected to verbal and physical abuse and had to put up with his moods for days.
  • Would be ignored for up to a week at a time.
  • If I asked for money then I was shouted at and told what a failure I was.
  • Often had to borrow money from my mum rather than ask him for.
  • Had to have his supper ready and on the table for when he finished work.
  • Would have to put up with his loud music when I was trying to study.
  • Had to drop every thing and make him coffee whenever he ordered me to.
  • Was allowed to count his savings but not allowed to spend them.
  • Had to constantly tidy up after him.
  • Was ordered to send the kids upstairs out of his way as they annoyed him.
  • Had to attend all school and doctors appointments for the kids alone as he was not interested.
  • Was continually reminded that he provided me with all appliances and beds and that I was lucky to have him.
  • Told me that he was far superior to me and should be treated as such.
  • Told me to do the gardening and then criticized it.
  • Was continually made to feel stupid.
  • Had any past relationships thrown in my face.
  • If I refused to have sex then he either annoyed me until I gave in or raped me.
    This being raped if saying no is a good abuse example for sexual abuse. Read more about Marital Rape.
  • Took my mobile phone away from me.
  • Would switch the heating on after I had switched it off making me think I was going insane.
  • Was not allowed to go to bed until his cat came in.
  • If I was unwell I still had to carry on as normal, doing the housework, childcare and cooking.
  • Was only allowed one day off from cooking in 3 years.
  • When he was living in a different town attending university he would phone me up to tell me that he was either in a nightclub or at the casino having the time of his life.
  • He tried to strangle me after my brother's wedding in Feb but told me that it was my fault, that I deserved it and that he would finish it off.
  • Destroyed all of my possessions from my life before him.
  • Carved around me as I sat on the sofa with an electric knife.
  • Smashed up the TV with a hammer.
  • Threatened to smash my head in with a hammer and proceeded to bash holes in the wall around me.
  • Smashed plates of food off the wall because I did not cook what he wanted.
  • Drove me into the woods driving like a maniac and threatened to kill us both leaving the kids with no one.
  • Beat me up and bashed my head off the radiator whilst pregnant because I would not sleep at his command.
  • Smashed up a full fish tank because I wanted to finish making a pair of curtains before going to bed.
  • Told me that he had slept around numerous times during our relationship and that I had no choice but to accept it.
  • Smashed up the house and then made me clean up the house before raping me.
  • Put a brick through my mother’s window because I annoyed him.
  • Pushed me around and humiliated me in front of his friend then exposed my nakedness thinking it was funny.
  • He had cybersex online and told me that it was better than sleeping with me.
  • Would spend hours with female friends but restricted my choice of friends and the time I spent with them.
  • Cut up my clothes.
  • Broke jewellery that I received as gifts from friends.
  • Constantly told me that I was fat and ugly and that no other man would ever want me therefore I was lucky to have him.
  • Would promise me treats such as clothes, driving provisional or a night off from cooking only to be told that I had done something wrong and did not deserve anything.
  • Would buy himself something new practically every week but I was not allowed anything because he was the provider not me.
  • If I wanted to go out to the shops then he refused to look after the children and I had to find a babysitter.
  • I lived life constantly on the edge and would do anything to keep him happy.
  • For 4 years he took twice weekly visits to visit his family but I was never allowed to go.
  • Was not allowed to lock the bathroom door when I had to go to the toilet or have a bath.
  • The only birthday present I ever received was grow bag for the garden so that I could get on with it.
  • Three times I had to go into hospital for operations but had to return the same day to make his meals and look after the children because that was not his job.
  • Had to make my own way home from hospital after giving birth to my daughter because he was too tired to come and collect us.
  • Was not allowed to let the children stay overnight with family members as they were my children and it was my job to look after them.
  • Told me that I was obviously a terrible person due to the fact that my first marriage had failed and that I deserved all that I got.
  • Forced me to have an aids test after we got back together because he said that I was a slut.
  • Whenever we split up he harassed and threatened me until I agreed to take him back.
  • Took great pleasure in telling me how he showered gifts on girlfriends that he had during our splits.
  • Smashed up mirrored wardrobes in a fit of rage causing me to slash my arm whilst trying to clean up.
  • Threatened to slash my throat with a knife.
  • Went crazy with a hammer smashing up our home.
  • Split open my nose by bashing my head into the kitchen wall units.
  • Cut my chin with a knife.
  • Pushed, shoved and beat me causing me to have a miscarriage.
  • Locked me in a room with a pigeon because I had a fear of birds. He then killed the bird with his bare hands and cooked it for his cat.
  • Would not allow me to visit the doctor when I felt I needed help.
  • Burned photos of the children.
  • Took money from my purse without telling me.
  • Searched my bag.
  • Refused to let me go to his family weddings with him.
Did you spot all the different abuse examples for physical abuse, or the examples of sexual abuse? What about threats and intimidations? Many of these abuse examples can actually be understood as more than one type of abuse, eg not permitting Allison to visit the doctor when she was ill, was emotional and physical abuse, and probably also isolation. What we can learn from this long list of abuse examples is that it is often not so clear cut, and that abusers employ a whole host of different tactics to maintain control and dominance.

Read Allison's Personal Story


Return from Abuse Examples to Types of Abuse


Related Pages:

A Bed of Thorns



 

What type of abuse is being perpetrated here?

While reading down the list of abuse examples Allison suffered, try to categorise them into the following abuse types:

- emotional abuse
- physical abuse
- financial abuse
- spiritual abuse
- sexual abuse

Can you see examples of isolation, threats, control, humiliating or degrading behaviour?

Also, quite often it is claimed that even though a man can be abusive toward his wife, that he can still be a good father to the children - do the abuse examples shown here tend toward the abusive spouse being a good father or a bad father? How is witnessing the abuse of the mother likely to affect the children?

Wonder what goes on in their minds to behave in such a way?

Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:

To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men




UK National Domestic Violence Freephone number 0808 2000 247

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