Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

Mr Wrong and Mr Right

Being about to tell Mr Wrong and Mr Right apart can help us avoid an abusive relationship. While the abusive person is our foe within a relationship, the non-abusive person is our friend.

This information on Mr Wrong and Mr Right has kindly been provided by Pat Craven who runs The Freedom Programme ©

Sometimes when we are in a relationship we feel so confused that it is difficult knowing whether our relationship is 'normal' or not. Our gut feeling might be a good indicatior, but since abusive people are more often than not very emotionally manipulating, it is useful to have some sort of external guide to help us determine whether the traits we observe in our partner are basically abusive or non-abusive. Is our partner trying to be our Friend or trying to be our Foe?

A fair number of people who find themselves in abusive relationships have also grown up in dysfunctional households and have not had the opportunity of witnessing healthy relationships. To them, abusive behaviour may appear 'normal'. It is not, and there are many men and women who are capable and keen to share healthy relationships - the important thing for us is to be able to tell Mr (or Mrs!) Wrong from Mr (or Mrs!) Right.

Mr Wrong - the abusive man ...Mr Wrong - abusive man

  • shouts
  • sulks
  • smashes things
  • glares
  • calls you names
  • makes you feel ugly and useless
  • cuts you off from your friends
  • stops you working
  • never admits he is wrong
  • blames you, drugs, drink, stress etc.
  • turns the children against you
  • uses the children to control you
  • never does his share of the housework
  • never looks after the children
  • expects sex on demand
  • controls the money
  • threatens or wheedles you to get his own way
  • seduces your friends/sister/anyone
  • expects you to be responsible for his well-being

Mr Right - the non-abusive man ...Mr Right anf Family

  • is cheerful
  • consistent
  • supportive
  • tells you you look good
  • tells you you're competent
  • uses your name
  • trusts you
  • trusts your judgment
  • welcomes your friends and family
  • encourages you to be independent
  • supports your learning, career etc.
  • admits to being wrong
  • is a responsible parent
  • is an equal parent
  • does his share of the housework
  • accepts that you have a right to say "no" to sex
  • shares financial responsibility
  • takes responsibility for his own well-being and happiness

The Freedom Programme ©

The Freedom Programme is a 12-week rolling programme held in different venues across the UK which aims to help women who want to learn more about the realities of domestic violence and abuse. Find out more about the Freedom Programme!

Return from Mr Wrong and Mr Right to The Abusers

In This Section:

Related Pages:

Boundaries in Relationships

Recommended Reading:

Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is the book to accompany the Freedom Programme in the UK. This book should be compulsory in schools - the information is so clear and so obvious and such an eye-opener! After studying domestic violence issues for years, this is the one book which finally enabled me to click it all into place and answer all my whys. Just read it:

To order in the US: Living With the Dominator (Kindle version only - and well worth buying a Kindle just to get this book!)

To order in the UK: Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1

Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:

To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud


Click on the donate botton below to support Hidden Hurt. Thanks you.

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone number 0808 2000 247

For a sample chapter from the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, go to www.freedomprogramme.co.uk. The Chapter can be downloaded, printed and given to professionals (solicitors, social workers, etc) to help them understand the dynamics of living with an abusive person.

"I have been on the Freedom Programme and have a copy of Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and really cannot recommend it too highly. It helped me finally understand what had been happening in my marriage and also helped me understand how my own beliefs had allowed me to get into such an abusive and unhealthy relationship. It really was one of those AHA! moments!

I think one of the most helpful and encouraging aspects is that as well as explaining simply the underlying beliefs and the sort of behaviour the perpetrators of domestic abuse employ, Pat's book also shows us the opposite, The Friend, which means that not only are we aware of what to avoid, but it also gives us a much better idea of what a healthy, non-abusive relationship looks like - every chapter in the book ends on a positive. Thanks Pat!"

(Lindsey Mason, webmaster of Hidden Hurt.)

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