Not stopped all contact yet
I have not stopped all contact yet, I have not got to that point yet. I feel so foolish because of my desire to be reasonable, to do what's best for my children, what's best for my faith in forgiveness etc, that I have tried to reason with my ex. This means disputing the mental and physical damage this man has caused me.
It is very difficult to get someone to be conscious of their actions of one second admitting their at fault (which my ex has done in a bid to get me to stay) and then next he starts to play the blame shifting game.
What I am learning is that I am allowing him to take my quality of life and make it look like I harassed him, when in fact I only wanted to have an end in a non violent and quiet way.
It's funny that the victim has to show almost stab marks where the perpetrators can just use the calling excuse and harassment lies. It's very difficult to get to the point where you are strong enough to believe your own mind and not question if it you was at fault for some of what has happened.
Maybe if I say it out loud, then I can begin to face what I have allowed this man to do to me and my children.
My ex has gone from making a stand outside his families home, calling me names, buying me pills and telling me I am not worthy of life, hitting me, threaten to rape me, to and this was the worse thing for me, allowing my dad to die without helping bury, fix the arrangements, or even being there for me. It apparently was my fault he was not there, he calling me a Bitch, Paki and laughing that he did not want me while my dad lay dying had nothing to do with the fact.
I had just found my Dad after 20 years of searching, I had a week of time before his passing away - a week filled with utter abuse.
Even after this I messaged the ex because of one threat or another, or him banging round my home at all hours! I have called the police but end up in a worse situation as he was works closely with them. I have proof of his attacks as he left voice mails but in them he excuses himself blaming me! I really struggle with the loneliness as I have no family to help with my disabilities and the council has cut help even more.
Yeah at times he admitted his faults but as he sees I am not coming back the true him comes out and again: it's my fault, look at me I have no mother or father ... history repeats.
Two days after losing my father I was subjected to my hair being pulled and headbutted. I am unsure why I want to reason with such a man, I have disabilities and my walking ability is made worse from the stress so I guess it was easier to just put up with this and my faith doesn't help! Anyhow I stumbled on this site to actually meet people that understand my madness, that can help me really get this monster out of my life. I found out the easiest way is by never contacting him, I feel so sick I have subjected myself to this for so many years. What I do know is that I will never take him back, but also that I have to stop falling for his tricks. I can not prove he comes to my home and withholds his number but because I am not like him I have texted for him to stop, which does not help me at all because now he is saying I am harrassing him.