Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

No Contact After Leaving Abuse

No Contact After Leaving Abuse is the act of cutting off all communication from an abusive person in order to reclaim your life and become a survivor of abuse in the most permanent way. Cutting off all communication means exactly what it says - no conversations, no email, no phone calls, no text messages, no notes, no messages passed via common friends, family or other third parties. In effect, you render the abusive person's tactics useless - an act which ultimately sets you free.

The following ways of keeping to No Contact After Leaving abuse have been collected from various members of our long-term message board. These are tactics they have found to work!

No Contact After Leaving Abuse


D&D = devalued & discarded

"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."

"Self Discipline is Self Esteem"

"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."

"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."

"No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him"

"NO CONTACT AFTER LEAVING ABUSE is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"

"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."

"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact after leaving abuse but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."

"Things he said to me when I was D&D'd are what made me begin the no contact...and I would have wasted all that I had established, for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing to give to me."

"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."

"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."

"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."

"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."

What! Wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice? William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)

"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."

"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."

"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."

"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."

"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact after leaving abuse rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."

"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."

"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.

"Give it time. Use the power of silence."

"We're strongest with No Contact. It's idiot proof, requires no effort on our part. It is free of charge and if used according to directions is, 100% guaranteed."

"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."

"I had some good old-fashioned growing up to do. No Contact after leaving abuse thrust me into that. That's when I really started to see things as they were." It'll be the best thing you every do for yourself."

"Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."

"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."

"And, if you do N-dip and heaven knows we try far too hard to fix them, fix the problem and make it work, and if you do, remember to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Cut yourself some slack on this, OK. Sometimes No Contact is a learned habit."

"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."

"NO CONTACT is the only way that God will work. We must not try to get in the way and do all the work, instead of God doing it."

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."

"The months of distance from him is what FINALLY helped me reach closure. Up close, I can't keep straight what is what. I fall right back into old habits, no matter how much therapy, etc. I have. From a distance, it's all crystal clear."

"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact after leaving abuse works, but we need to give it a chance".

"The more time I stay in No Contact ... the stronger I get."

"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass."

"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARRASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Ns love the courts so we can end up trying to defend ourselves in a lawsuit."

Article taken from Rhiannon3.net. (now defunct)

Return from No Contact After Leaving Abuse to the Abuse Victim

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What Other Visitors Have Said

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...

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The first few days after leaving are crucial. You are at your strongest but your utmost weakest. To try to keep to the no-contact rule, I gave …

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