No Contact After Leaving Abuse
No Contact After Leaving Abuse is the act of cutting off all communication
from an abusive person in order to reclaim your life and become a
survivor of abuse in the most permanent way. Cutting off all communication
means exactly what it says - no conversations, no email, no phone
calls, no text messages, no notes, no messages passed via common friends,
family or other third parties. In effect, you render the abusive person's
tactics useless - an act which ultimately sets you free.
The following ways of keeping to No Contact After Leaving abuse have been
collected from various members of our long-term message board. These
are tactics they have found to work!
No Contact After Leaving Abuse
D&D = devalued & discarded
"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that
we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard,
want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going
to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often
miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying
No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud
and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go
to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It
is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one
of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They
have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are.
They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer
prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."
"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please
"Self Discipline is Self Esteem"
"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding
"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them
when we are hurting."
"No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him"
"NO CONTACT AFTER LEAVING ABUSE is the best to be hoped for;
and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust
that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"
"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand
why or not."
"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were
times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked
days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally
got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days.
It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force
myself through the initial no contact after leaving abuse but once
I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier
"Things he said to me when I was D&D'd are what made me
begin the no contact...and I would have wasted all that I had established,
for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what
I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a
few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed
up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is
recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have
nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing
to give to me."
"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for
"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles
that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your
breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and
keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to
"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries
the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through
letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you
just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you
did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and
it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."
"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how
I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just
said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff
from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."
What! Wouldst thou have a serpent
sting thee twice? William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)
"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with
him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."
"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability
a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."
"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you
will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly.
The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk
away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you
stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."
"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the
blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the
only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."
"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his
behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that
you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny
they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone
else. That’s why the no contact after leaving abuse rule is
the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an
N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean
you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going
round in their crazy circles."
"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay
clear. No contact."
"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the
No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.
"Give it time. Use the power of silence."
"We're strongest with No Contact. It's idiot proof, requires
no effort on our part. It is free of charge and if used according
to directions is, 100% guaranteed."
"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence
of No Contact."
"I had some good old-fashioned growing up to do. No Contact
after leaving abuse thrust me into that. That's when I really started
to see things as they were." It'll be the best thing you every
do for yourself."
"Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime
I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when
he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback"
"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such -
preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one
thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about
it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."
"And, if you do N-dip and heaven knows we try far too hard to
fix them, fix the problem and make it work, and if you do, remember
to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Cut yourself some
slack on this, OK. Sometimes No Contact is a learned habit."
"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least
that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's
a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul
breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making
environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic
'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to
recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."
"NO CONTACT is the only way that God will work. We must not
try to get in the way and do all the work, instead of God doing it."
"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was
to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say
I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue,
to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."
"The months of distance from him is what FINALLY helped me reach
closure. Up close, I can't keep straight what is what. I fall right
back into old habits, no matter how much therapy, etc. I have. From
a distance, it's all crystal clear."
"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed
No Contact rule. No contact after leaving abuse works, but we need
to give it a chance".
"The more time I stay in No Contact ... the stronger I get."
"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough
and the urge for contact will pass."
"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into
hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARRASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Ns love
the courts so we can end up trying to defend ourselves in a lawsuit."
Article taken from Rhiannon3.net. (now defunct)
Return from No Contact After Leaving
Abuse to the Abuse Victim
Do you have any experience of trying No Contact After Leaving Abuse
Let us know how it worked for you or how you overcame the difficulties it presented? Has the No Contact Rule helped with your recovery or helped o keep you safe?
What Other Visitors Have Said
Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...
Too close for comfort Not rated yet
My ex narc discarded me about 7 months ago after a 2 month hoover in which I fell for.
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For me, the 4th time was the charm and it was actually pretty easy because I was finally ready.
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Rarely in life can you achieve so much by doing NOTHING.
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This is the end of my first week of no contact. I went silent a week ago on my emotionally and physically abusive N ex girlfriend.
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I was glad to read all about No Contact as this has given me encouragement and confirmation.
My ex abuser (narc!) contacted me through email supposedly …
no contact is so hard... but... Not rated yet
No contact is so hard ... but ... the minute you give in, they go ahead, and try again to manipulate you. I'm 31 and until this day I thought it was all …
When No Contact is not quite kept to ... Not rated yet
Well, the sack of old crap certainly gets about. They are all one and the same guy!!
Although I have to wonder how he could be in the US Canada and …
'No Contact'...The only way to recover! Not rated yet
Soon after my 20+ year marriage ended, I entered into a relationship with a younger man whom I'd known for a few years. He was attractive and very charismatic …
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It is strange that Domestic Violence can happen to anybody, even to strong persons with merits of character and life history.
I am a strong woman who …
Never giving up Not rated yet
Hi my name is Sam,
I have been out of my relationship for 3 year's now but I'm still a victim of DV and can't seem to understand why.
My ex has …
Click here to write your own.
No Contact Not rated yet
The first few days after leaving are crucial.
You are at your strongest but your utmost weakest.
To try to keep to the no-contact rule, I gave …
Click here to write your own.