LEARNING TO FORGIVE MYSELF AFTER BREAKING NO CONTACT.
Meaningless Silence better than meaningless words
I had my doubts about him right from the start.
Something about him just didn't feel 'normal'. It had to do with his excess confidence (which seemed forced, on closer inspection) and his showing off. But he love-bombed me into falling for the charade and all was well (as much as that can be with a N) for about 5 months... Then out can the chamber of horrors he had been hiding all along!
From inexplicable rages, lies, denials, mean cutting statements delivered with the emotional gradient of commenting on the weather, mind games, triangulation, blatant disrespect, stonewalling and the biggest killer - The Silent Treatment From Out Of the Blue.
I tried to leave a couple of times, but he would worm his way back.
First time, he used my best friend. He contacted her and gave her a sad sob story of how difficult I was and how much he loved me, and how he had tried every way he knew how to talk to me but I just wasn't cooperating. He was so sad and convincing that my friend actually bought into his BS and agreed to be his go-between. Well, I'm sure you can guess how that went... I was back with him in no time. smh!
Second time around, I had had enough of his rage and mood swings and inconsistencies (again!). If anything, his behaviour had gone from bad to worse. I left. This time, he took to Facebook, making the saddest updates about how depressed he was, how he hadn't eaten for days, how he was smoking 2 packs a day on account of all his "misery"... .I mean, it was the full blown pity party! So (foolishly) I reached out to him and told him to go easy on the smoking, think of his health blah blah. That was all the opening he needed! He started whining about how I had trivialised our relationship and "everything he has done for me", how he couldn't believe I could "walk away so easily" from what we had, how he loved me "madly", how could I have such little faith in him - in us... . And that's how he got me back. He knew how highly I held 'having faith'
and not quitting on things and like the master manipulator he is, he used it against me to change my mind.
So far, I'd broken the No Contact rules twice. I was feeling really lousy about myself because every time I left and went back, I just knew instinctively, that I had ceded more of my power to him. What was worse, the abuse didn't stop ... well, it did for the first few days. He was an angel at that time. Then the horns and barbed tail would reappear and I would be made to pay DEARLY (but in very passive aggressive ways) for having DARED to leave, or assert my individuality.
I finally did leave a 3rd time. And this time, I made sure I covered ALL the bases. I got off Facebook, I blocked him on IM,(and his friends too) I asked my friends to un-friend him on Facebook so they wouldn't be tempted to tell me what he was up to. I went full blown NO CONTACT. I was determined to rid myself of that toxic energy once and for all.
I'm happy to say that I have made good progress since I left him the 3rd time. I have learnt to forgive myself for being sucked back into his toxic world twice before. I have learnt that going cold turkey is not the easiest of things, but that's okay as long as you NEVER give up trying. I have learnt that I owe it to myself to be happy for me because of ME, foremost!
This time around, I haven't bowed to the sometimes insanely strong impulse to give him an opening to get in touch. I haven't broken my no contact resolve and I hope I keep going strong.
He tried starting a conversation by sending me a message but I shut him down.
They say the 3rd time's the charm, and I know this is it. I'm truly done. It's not been easy, but every passing day brings me closer to my goal of emotional freedom from the effects of my experience with a N. And I grow stronger in the person that I truly am ... and happier too!
Happiness is a choice, but we have to work for it.