I know the feeling.

by Krystal
(Saskatchewan, Canada)

Hello Julie, My name is krystal, I am 20 years old, with two wonderful little boys, one is four about to be five, one is almost two months.

A year ago starting in the beginning of July, the man I still love started hitting me. We were with friends and started drinking, they all left to get more alcohol and we were just talking and then we started arguing. He started pushing me, started telling me that I was cheating on him, that I never loved him, He started kicking me, punching me, basically gave me the beating of my life.
We just lost a baby due to stress, I just lost my job. My oldest was taken from me, because he started hitting me. That wasn't even the end, about a month later I forgave him, because I still had strong feelings for him, then at the beginning of October I found out I was pregnant again.
The abuse had stopped. Until around Christmas time: me and my oldest went to visit him for the holidays. We were there for two weeks, two days before Christmas, he started blacking out on me, saying I never loved him, saying that there is someone else and that I should just tell him the truth. He started pushing me around and slapped me. It was almost 2o'clock in the morning when the cops came, I had to leave so nothing else would happen, went home around four in the morning.
I felt so ashamed to believe he would change, at the end of January we decided to try again. My oldest had his first seizure, it was so scary, my family blamed me, I felt lost and hurt, so I moved into his house, we lived two hours away from my mother's house, in March he decide to have a few drinks, I said why not, he hasn't hit me, he's been good I thought, he was with some friends, they left, he was still drunk, started saying the same things all over again, I tried calming him down, told him to stop yelling, about two hours later he passed out, so I decided to take a shower. He came in when I was done, asked me if I wanted a life to die tonight. I said no and that he needs to sober up. He grabbed my waists and head butted me, almost broke my nose, I couldn't breathe, because I was having a panic attack. He took me to the room so I could breathe.
He started saying he wanted to end our sons life, while I was pregnant!