Remembering that all communication is manipulation

by Laura
(Coventry UK)

Having lived with a highly skilled manipulator for 13 years and seeing most of our friends sympathise with him since I stood up to him, I have to believe that everything he communicates (verbally and otherwise) to me and others is manipulative.

His sole aim is that he is regarded as the innocent victim of a selfish and destructive wife...

Bearing that in mind has helped me not to fall for further manipulation and his promises whenever he says he just wants to talk.

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Nov 30, 2015
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And they still ask why did you stay...
by: Anonymous

This question still follows me. 10 years in an abusive marriage. What he communicated for those 10 years were words of manipulation. He won't do it again, he's sorry... for anyone reading this if you don't feel safe, if he has ever hit you. Get out. It will not stop.

Feb 25, 2015
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Completely agree
by: Anonymous

So reassuring to hear I am not the only one, I have been divorced 3 years now, had very helpful counselling in the immediate aftermath but still find myself shaking with nerves, anger, disbelief at every text or email from my ex, which are designed to make me feel like a lone, unbalanced, irrational woman. Guess it takes a long time to get to the point of not being affected by this poisonous manipulation. ..

Jan 06, 2015
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100% agree that all communication is manipulation
by: Anita

Thank you for posting this reality. All he has tried to do is get me to "just talk" to him. I have had no real contact with him in 1 1/2 years and he still wants me to talk to him. I have decided (having no children with this man) that I will never talk to him again. I believe that you are right "ALL" communication is manipulation. He still thinks HE is the victium!

Dec 11, 2014
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9 years later
by: Anonymous

I'm from California. I have three children whom me and my soon to be ex husband. Its been only 1 week since he was mandated to leave our home.

I met him at 17 and we moved quickly after. He moved in a month later then from there on it was a long long hard road. This man was addicted to meth while I was busting my ass off at work soon after I found out I was pregnant. He would never allow me to leave his site. He was controlling possessive over me and manipulating. Year after year I have gotten pregnant. He refused to allow birth control. I got beat up all the time. He accused me for 9 years of cheating. We were never stable with housing. We were homeless here and there. He could never keep a job and always was in and out of jail. I made excuses for his behavior all the time.I even went into rehab with him so that he can get the help.he's a ticking bomb and I never know what's going to egnite that. All these years I walked on egg shells so that he can be okay. I lost myself a long time ago. I'm just going through these phases that are not easy. We have 3 children now. Its a hard road. But this is the road I choose. I can't really explain everything, the trauma he caused me. All I know is I wanted out and I made that move. I miss him sometimes yet have all the hurt pain he caused me as a reminder of why did I leave in the first place...I feel Free like a outbreak from prison...it never felt so good not to worry about him. My mind body and soul is healing...its not easy but worth it.

Nov 09, 2014
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Everyone thinks he is a great bloke
by: Debbie

I have finally given up on a five year relationship, after finding he was on a dating website and messaging/arranging to meet other women whilst I was slogging away at work (financially supporting him). He gradually eroded my confidence and self worth, convincing me that he was the only person who cared for me. Over the years he has terrorised me physically and mentally, and I never told a soul. He was always blaming me for his insecurities and labelling me a control freak, he frequently drank excessively and stayed out until the early hours. I am isolated now, I live alone but everyone thinks he is a great man and he works at a hostel for the homeless 3 days a week as a support worker. My mistake was not telling anyone, so the police have no case for prosecution. My advice would be keep records/take photos tell health professionals how you sustained your injuries.

Oct 24, 2014
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17 years domestic violence
by: Anonymous

I wrote about my experience about a month back. I feel happier content and donot regret my step. Finally after getting out of this 17 years of domestically violent marriage I feel that thousands of chains in which my mind was tied has been freed. I have joined MBA through distance education and my main focus is my children and to give them a stress free life which they deserve. Some people have been encouraging and some have been very critical but I donot care about the negative attitude of anyone. Because nobody lives your life, it is you who makes it the way you choose it. I know I will suffer alot of hardships especially as I live in India people donot approve of a woman leaving her husband's house even though she is in an abusive relationship, they will symphatize but never approve of leaving the man. But I donot care. I am going to prove it that it is always wise to leave an abusive relationship and will always encourage others in asituation like me to say that enough is enough let me live.

Oct 24, 2014
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Once you realize and accept you were never even love
by: Free

I now realize I was NEVER loved, respected, adored, appreciated or even liked. He was jealous of my sense of humor, free sexuality, kind spirit and my ability to love. It took me 14 years to see this. The eyes don't lie I see a pain and defeat..I see emptiness. He chose to treat me this way I made up every excuse in the world but I know it was a chioce. He gave up. I had a random ametuar psychic reading done when I was about 28 (10 years ago). I laughed and thought it was a joke...she said u have great luck finding men, so I thought whoop whoop yea I know, I got this fine young man who has my back and I have his, I don't really have any family it's me and him Bonnie and Clyde. Then she said yes and you should know, someone you know really dislikes you and doesn't wish u well..here I am thinking it's my wicked mother or my x boyfriend...I ran to the manipulator to tell the story. I now know years later it was him she spoke of all along. Scary scary thought..I've been sleeping next to that bad negative soul sucking energy for 14 years...yikes!!! I haven't had a break in all these years. No honeymoon phase for me. Something was always wrong. Every coulpe of days there was some sort of problem he was highly minipulative the best there ever was he used the children...specifically the one I had before I met him. He controlled and pretended he had his best interest at hand but he really was putting insurance in his pocket so it would be harder for me to leave him...how could I when he took care of him since the age of four, put him in sports, got him in the best of schools you name it... I'm happy I'm not the blame anymore..he can't blame me for every single problem in his miserable scared insecure life..oh yea did I mention when we were 26 he brought in another little bit of insurance to keep me around (cocaine)..I thought oh we'll have a little fun and both grow out of it together and look back and laugh..yea I know wishful thinking right..yes it's been one hell of a roller coaster..I'm definently stronger now. I know that there are other motives he has in mind...I'm now one class from graduating as a RN in Boston, I live in my own apartment with my 3 kids and work at a local shelter..I have a lot on my plate but nothing will ever be harder than realizing you were never loved and most importantly you didn't love yourself..

Sep 23, 2014
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It's never too late...
by: LIberta

I was in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years.We were still married when we met each other and after 3 months we moved to a house together an got divorces from our past marriages.I was 42 and he was 50.Quite mature someone would think gor such a decision.But not!As time went by I was the victim of antinormal behaviour and almost physical violence sometimes.I alwayw left him,but my big mistake was I returned.And he become worst every time I came back.My shelter every time was the house of my ex husband who lives with our 21 year old daughter.Iam still here with them for 20 days and I feel better.DURING THOSE 2.5 YEARS,I lost my job and I was depressed.I came to my shelter with no money at all and almost my whole possesions are left there.I am greek and I had my own English School for 12 years.Iwas self-employed and always so proud for my achievement and the money I made by myself.Now I have nothing material but I have my freedom and my family back.The abuser is still stalking and asking to go back.But this time it is final.I hope for a better future for me and myself.I know I betrayed people who loved me so much and the worst is I let a guy to belittle my dignity and self-esteem to the name of love-as I first thought.I am still afraid of him since he used to terrorise me and since I resisted extreme fights ,even public ones took place all the time.I am kind of protected though since I have reported him to the police twice for violent behaviour and maybe he is afraid too.We live in asmall town where most people know each other.H e is quite known in the area and everyone knew we were engaged.As you realise,it is difficult now for me to rehabilitate inthis close society but I HAVE SOME ALTERNATIVES, I THINK.I still dont know why he hated me so much and tried to hurt me .But ANYWAY ...show must go on even with different actors and a more clever director...ME.

Sep 12, 2014
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took me 17 years
by: Anonymous

It`sbeen little over a month I left this abusive relationship.He would beat me and then always made false promises and got me back there in his domain. Till after he threw me out of the house on 7.8.2014 in the middle of the night. I SURVIVED THE NIGHT and realized if I can survive this then I can survive anything. The monster lives inside the place I call home. Next day morning I Went back to get my children and called my parents to help me. He pleaded as he always has but I had made up my mind never again. I went with my parents who live in another town,got my children admitted in a school.Filed a case for domestic violence. He tried all sort of tactics manuplations but I am not going back.Some days are difficult I cry alot,others I feel that never again will I let this man manuplate me and my children and at times I feel that Iam the most foolish person to have been in a relationship with so much abuse for 17 years. Iam thankful to God for giving me such wonderful and supportive parents and children. Iam especially amazed at my daughter who is only 8 she has been my pillar. My son who is only 5 years old has shown alot of strength by telling me mama we know that dad is wrong and we will never let him hurt you. Especially feel happy when in such a short span I see both have adjusted so well in their school. Lastly I would like to mention that I am from India where divorce is considered as a taboo and speaking about domestic violence is like I am not considering about the future of my children. But what if the man kills me then what will become of my children. I donot want to look back rather I want more people to become aware of domestic violence.

Sep 07, 2014
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Nervous
by: Anonymous

It feels good to read these comments. Getting me and my children out from under him was and still is the scariest thing I have ever done. We are not divorced yet. I haven't spoken to him in 38 days. I don't even think he knows what is real and what are lies. I'm getting blamed for him losing his job, his family, etc. my close friends wonder what took me so long, but his family think I have flipped out or there must be someone else. Everyday I'm stronger but I still look over my shoulder.

Aug 28, 2014
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Master Manipulator
by: Anonymous

I can relate to this. My abuser had a persona he had to keep up to the world. He was the victim to everyone else. I had to finally let go of what other people thought. My truth is what is important.

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