Not there yet

by candy g
(UK)

I am not there yet, being able to implement the no contact rule. And the reason I have not got to that point? I feel so foolish that because of my desire to be reasonable and to do what's best for my children, I have tried to reason with my ex. I try to dispute the mental and physical damage this has caused me.

It is very difficult to get someone to be concious in their actions ... one second admitting they are at fault, the next second we are back to the the blame game.

What I am learning is that I am allowing him to take my quality of life and it looks like I harassed him, when in fact I only wanted to ever end this in a quiet way.

It just seems absurd that the victim has to show almost stab marks where the perpetrators can just use the calling excuse.

Comments for Not there yet

Average Rating

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 19, 2015
Rating

Don't feel foolish
by: Lindsey from Hidden Hurt

Hi Candy,

Please do not feel foolish for trying to be a sensible and reasonable person and do the best for your children! It is not you who is the fool here, it is your ex who is sabotaging your efforts. All it really does is show how kind-hearted and generous and fair you are, despite your ex obviously being pig-headed.

Going No Contact when there are children involved is as good as impossible, unless there is a court order in place which prevents all contact between the abuser and the children (and us). Where there is continuing contact with the children, we basically have to modify the No Contact rule to one which is basically a "No Personal Contact with Contact ONLY with regards to court ordered contact and visitation".

That is in itself jolly difficult, because their tendency is to turn any opportunity into another way of controlling and abusing (they don't like giving it up easily!). But please don't put yourself down or feel foolish for basically being a decent human being. More fool him for not recognising it!

Look after yourself :)

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Invitation no contact.

Return to Hidden Hurt Home

Life after getting out of an abusive relationship often continues to be a struggle, and It's My Life Now offers guidance to overcoming common pitfalls, blending worksheets with insights on self exploration and ongoing growth. From handling feels of loss and guilt to overcoming feelings associated with having loved an abuser, this book continues to offer invaluable lessons and be a real source of help and strength:

To order in the US: It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition

To order in the UK: It's My Life Now

Healing from Abuse - coming soon

Personal DV Stories

Personal DV Stories 2