Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

But He's My Husband

by Lisa
(Charlesyon, SC)

Hi my name is Lisa. I'm 40 years old and have been married for two years to my abuser.

I love my husband and I fear my husband.

I always wanted to be married, a husband to take care of, and have a good father my FOUR children. When I met my husband I was struggling to pay bills and find a good job. And I was introduced to him by a friend. In the town I lived, every woman wanted him because he was divorced, great job, big house, had a great family. I would have been lucky for him to look my way.

There were early signs of things being wrong, he'd say I should cut my hair, not wear makeup, less flashy clothes, etc. And I did it, to keep him. Then he would just pop up to see if I was home. I thought that showed love. Later out of nowhere he started cursing me out,telling me I wasn't good enough for him, calling me names.

He would call me as if he's home and would be in my driveway...Leave 20-30 texts when he was in one of his rages, that went from I love u To I hate you, you trick, butch, whore..etc.

Once we married, it got physical fast. Spitting on me, slapping me, punching, choking ... But he would always tell his friends that he hated men that hit women, and he would never do that. And I hated it and it made me sick to my stomach, to notice he liked watching father/daughter porn and movies with a lot of F' bombs and that centered around molesting and incest between the father and daughter.

I filed for restraining order twice and this time begged him to come back. I gotten dependent on the abuse, because at least I was still married. And that's really sick and vain. Even when I know he may kill me in the end.

I love my husband, but I have to be stronger than this, if not for me then for my kids. I found a house and because of God And people who truly care, we're moving out this week.

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May 30, 2016
You can leave
by: Anonymous

Sweetie , I was in the Same position as you , I adored my husband, but mostly I wanted my marriage to work .

I grew up without a mum and dad and looked after myself from around five, Dad was still around but he was always out and if he was home I hid because he beat me ... I left around 15 all alone, eventually meeting my husband.

From day dot it was little things like smoking, my weight etc ... Things got worse when we went to live in his Caribbean country (big mistake).

I was forced to call his Mum, Mum he didn't care how I felt, my wedding was planned by her, I never even got to invite my dad or family, I sent letters to my family which my husband never posted, they sent me money but he keep the money and sometimes gave me the letters ... I eventually lost contact with them and lived there for five years where I was staved to death, there was never food in the house and the boys were always taken to his mum's, at first he couldn't afford it and the boys would eat at the mother, sometimes I would go, but because I was a vegetarian there was a problem with me. I was force to eat soap with the meat strained from it, after I would be sick ..

I was not welcomed there and ignored if I said hello, I had to stand outside mostly, because I would dare ask if we could go ... I fought for him for years and eventually returned back to the UK.

I started to look for my family, but he would say they will not want me, he insisted he would go to my Dad's .. Anyway, all my dark secrets I told him each horrific thing that happened to me, he used each one as a weapon. He would tell me my kids hated me and I should die if I ever date, speak up, trouble was I couldn't stay silent, a piece of me died.

I stayed for 25 years damaging myself and my boys. I eventually found my dad, found out that all these years my husband lied about going to his address. I kept having dreams of my dad dying and in them dream it said to call social services , so I did ... that's how I found my dad!

Unfortunately he was dying even though he never knew, I knew my dreams were right and after speaking only twice over the phone he died!

During that time my husband brought every horrific memory that happened to me, he called me all the names and threaten to rape me, just like the person did when I was a child, he refused to help me bury my dad, took all our money and didn't tell me what to do even though he works for a different council. He did not help in any way and I was there alone, even my other family who I traced and told about their dad didn't help. I had to beg a mosque to bury my dad, I couldn't face him being burned or bring in a unmarked grave and cardboard box. I had nothing, but I was finally done.

I finally divorced him and went through the most traumatic divorce where I found out a lot of other lies: we had a house in Grenada and he changed it into his mother name years before , in mean time I was still paying for the house , we also had a house here in the UK which he forced me to put in his name . I went to court and his mother lied ,the lies were the most evil hurtful things he could have done, using his mother was just the start , he also refused to see my son ,who he had acted as a dad for 25 years and would only see his biological son .He said some discussing things about my son to excuse his reasons , all of which he said about me and switch between now us both.

I loved my husband but he never loved me ,he beat me mentally within an inch of my life and I got to the point I actually started to plan what I would do if he ever pinned me down again and threatened them words. I finally saw I had to leave and I actually did it for him, not myself because by then I thought I was worthless piece of trash!

The only thing he ever did was humiliate me and embarrass me !
He call the police so many times saying I was harassing him, I had no money , he took everything so I would have too ring him. I also begged him to see both his boys.

I feel so sick I put myself through it. It was his tool , his way of controlling the situation. If I was not going stay he was going make sure I had nothing , yet if I stayed eventually I would find out all these lies .

I one day woke up and started to see him for what he was , to him being a husband meant nothing and it only meant something to me , how could I work with that ?..
I was never his equal and although he says he never cheated,his done worse !

If you love someone enough you set them free and that's what I did ,not only that but trying to save him because he was never going change with me ,the only likely outcome was one of us would turn up dead I started to see this is worse for my boys and what I was teaching them , always said I would go mad if they ever touched a woman , yet not teaching the consequences of his actions.

I am not going say is easy ,but when I wrote a list of all the things he had done and I started to look at how I would feel if this was my child that was staying in this relationship,
I wrote a list of all the things he had done and i knew then I needed to go , I couldn't believe what I had gone through and it seemed the first time I admitted what he was like ..

I was not ok to spend another year and although I had done 25 years of this , I couldn't do another month!

Love does not keep you trapped, I can, hand on heart say I hope he finds someone he loves more than himself and he can put them first and stop lying..He on the other hand will never ever be able to do that and only says things such as slag , spread your legs etc same old downgrades, which when I started to look at what he says I saw what a pathetic man he was and he was actually speaking about himself .

He still uses the kids and that hurts more because of my past , I am a terrible mother, my kids are terrified of me etc even though my boys always say it's not true and I know what his like , its horrible hearing my boys say such things and he would use them just to cause me suffering . At no point has he moved these terrified kids out , in fact he has left them penniless and not once have I said to my boys what a messed up father he is .He also have a habit of saying my child said this or that about me , of course they never did ,but that cut my heart apart especially when they were little , there was so many times I wanted my life to end because of his nasty words ! I almost beg him to beat me ,it was kinder.

This so called man that had such a good upbringing, that was never like my messed up family , that said all these things ended up being more mental scared and messed up then me ! It takes some sort of character to call the police for no reason , to make up lies do your arrested , to call social services or try and get you sectioned and leave you in the gutter staving all because you want to be acknowledge and loved . ..

you are meant to raise me up not pull me down, he was meant to save me from my childhood all he did was destroy my adulthood .

We deserve better sweetie , inside you know you are better off alone, without the stress and worry of what next ... He will never change all he will do is hurt you more because in his mind his got away with the last time ,so this time it will be more vicious..

You can leave hun, you can do this because this is your only life and you deserve what you put in your marriage coming back to you , your not meant to be alone ,but if you look hard enough your see you are x

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Life after getting out of an abusive relationship often continues to be a struggle, and It's My Life Now offers guidance to overcoming common pitfalls, blending worksheets with insights on self exploration and ongoing growth. From handling feels of loss and guilt to overcoming feelings associated with having loved an abuser, this book continues to offer invaluable lessons and be a real source of help and strength:

To order in the US: It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition

To order in the UK: It's My Life Now


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