Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse Information

Breaking Abuse Cycle

Thinking back over her life, one abuse victim considers what is needed for breaking abuse cycle in dysfunctional abusive families. These are her thoughts and experiences:

Intervention and knowledge

“I guess it’s too often due to lack of knowledge that we fail to see or can't accept things for what they were so we continued on, doing what we know how to do. Whether it be acting as an abuser or as a recipient.

After learning this I can't really hold things against others now because they weren't really responsible for it I guess if they did‘t know.”

A lot of people have said to forget about the past, referring to bad experiences. With all I have gone through, if I could pick and choose what I remember, I would in a heartbeat. I have no control over it though. I've spent years trying to forget and put things behind me, it doesn't work.
I've learned that everything seems to happens for a reason even if we don't always see it at the time. If something happens, the lesson that’s in it may not be meant for me but someone else, so I don't always wonder about it.

I think we should hold on to the past, never dwell on the past or live in it. We should only live by it and use it for what we've learned in life. Sometimes we can share our experiences with others and it if anything it may help them in life.

I think that if a child is raised a certain way or exposed to certain things in life, they start becoming corrupt or bad. Everyone learns best by their experiences in life.

I am a single mother of 3 boys and survivor of all forms of abuse. I was raised in what I call a “war zone” To me though it was normal to live the way I did I was used to it.

I was always told that it was no ones’ business of what went on in anyone else’s home, family business is family business. No one cares, as long as you don't bother them or nothing. I was also told life is what you make of it and you get what you deserve.

Fact is no one got involved or nothing really unless you asked them to, or if you bothered them, so he was right. Anyone who does poke their nose into others’ business is only out for the money. Everyone had reinforced all dad said by not saying or doing anything. Everyone looked away, shut their doors, turned up their TV sets and such. Because of all of this for a long time I thought that all homes were like mine and Dad was right on his sayings.

In spite of all I was told, I know I didn't ask for my situations. I was born into one and stepped blindly into the other when I got married. I wanted the opposite of what I was raised in and somehow ended up with about the same thing.

When my husband and I were together I didn't realize things because I was ignorant and blinded to a lot of stuff. I guess I was used to things or accepted things for the way they were or something. It was “normal” to me. Truth is my marriage was heaven compared to how I was raised. You couldn't compare the severity of things.

My ex and family would remind me of why things were the way they were. I was told that I wasn't trying hard enough, that the kids and I shouldn't aggravate him or make him mad. My family knew how I could mess up and how hard it was to raise kids. They knew how it was being married and all. I felt things were our fault and that what we were doing caused problems and stuff. I thought it was because of his caring that he did like he did.

I was told that men are supposed to do certain things and we were lucky to have him to care about us. I was told and thought it always could've been worse. You just couldn't compare broken bones, threats and such to being shot, shot at and all I went through as a kid.

It took a while for me to realize I was following the same lead practically as I was raised to. I guess I was used to things and I wasn't aware of a lot. I was lucky to have a few things to change my path as time passed. After 10 years of marriage I started trying to get myself and the kids out of the mess. It has taken a while but after having some interventions in things, (and a “wake-up call”) I decided to file for a divorce. I took my last beating in 1999.

It has been over 6 years now since that day and it’s been a long hard process. We still live with a daily threat and it may take the rest of my life to be free, but I will say it has been worth every bit of the fight because the kids and I are still so much better off without him.

~ anon.

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Recommended Reading:

Life after getting out of an abusive relationship often continues to be a struggle, and It's My Life Now offers guidance to overcoming common pitfalls, blending worksheets with insights on self exploration and ongoing growth. From handling feels of loss and guilt to overcoming feelings associated with having loved an abuser, this book continues to offer invaluable lessons and be a real source of help and strength:

To order in the US: It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition

To order in the UK: It's My Life Now

Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:

To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Click on the donate botton below to support Hidden Hurt. Thanks you.

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone number 0808 2000 247


Maya Angelou - best known for "I know why the Caged Bird Sings" is a wonderful woman and an inspiration. Her books and poems are like sweet melodies that flow through your head. She writes words of wisdom and truth and gives hope, encouragement and strength to all women everywhere. If you need to fill up your spiritual and emotional well, read this book:

To order in the US: And Still I Rise

To order in the UK: And Still I Rise

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