How to say 'I'm leaving you' when you fear for your
life
To say 'I'm leaving you' is very hard, even when a relationship
has been in trouble for some time. The difficulty increases beyond
measure if there has been a history of violence between you and
your partner.
Perhaps you have already tried to leave and so you are only too
aware of what the reaction from your partner will be. So many of
the emails I receive on my website FAMILYONWARDS.COM
are from women, and occasionally from men, asking for some tips
about how to break free from a tangled and painful relationship.
In her recent book, Getting Out, Ann Goetting, listened
to the life stories of women who left abusive men. As woman after
woman recounts her experience a pattern emerges. A woman threatens
to leave, or does in fact depart, and then all too often she is
'reeled back' into the relationship with promises of change and
undying love. Sometimes, though, the threat of 'what will happen
to you if you ever try to leave' is enough to keep a woman in an
abusive relationship.
As well as suffering physical violence, emotional abuse can make
even the strongest woman believe that she will not survive outside
of the relationship. If self-esteem and self-respect are at rock
bottom how can anyone summon up the courage to say 'I'm leaving,
and this time I mean it.'
So how can you leave? First of all, the time has to be right.
What do I mean by that? Well, it cannot be just a vague feeling
that 'Perhaps I ought to go'. You must be desperate enough to be
determined to go. It may be that something has happened to bring
you to boiling point. One blow too many? An attack on a child? Another
series of broken promises? The finger of scorn pointed once too
often?
Don't wait until the next crisis arrives, as it surely will. First
of all you must make a plan. Tell someone about it; there is no
shame in telling a neighbour or family what is happening to you,
and what you are planning to do. Secondly, you must believe that
you have a right to live free from fear. Ask if you can deposit
important papers, sources of help, some cash, clothes, toys and
even a spare set of car keys with a friend. Find out about any local
organisations which will help you. They will understand if you are
not quite ready to leave, and will help you with your planning.
It is important to leave nothing to chance when it comes to the
safety of yourself or your children. Pause and ask yourself, am
I really going to leave? Have you gone away previously, and returned?
What is different about this time? Is there a chance you might be
seduced back by promises of love, or threats of suicide? Think these
points through very carefully. Still ready to go? Even so, only
when you feel that you have set up all the support you can, should
you leave.
The only reason I can think of for not telling a partner you are
leaving in a face-to-face situation is when there is a real possibility
of violence. However, if you believe that you must confront your
partner before you go, then make sure you have someone with you
who can protect you when you break the news.
Before you tell your partner, make one-hundred per-cent sure that
you have somewhere safe to go. Somewhere you will not be found.
And remember this refuge will have to last for some considerable
time.
So with good preparations made both psychologically, and practically,
it is time to go. There is a new life waiting out there for you.
A life without fear of violence.
© Jill Curtis 2001
Jill Curtis writes books and articles on family issues. Visit
her website Familyonwards.
Her latest book Find Your Way Through Divorce
has just been published by Hodder and Stoughton at £6.99. Check
out the Bookshop
page for more details!
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