How to Survive After Separation

Maybe your confidence is low, and you are not sure that you can cope with dealing with the responsibility of everyday chores (bills, children, home to maintain, work, etc.) on your own? Maybe you are not used to making decisions and all the options and choices are frightening? Maybe you are lonely and wondering whether you have made the right decision? Maybe you still feel guilty about what may feel like 'giving up' on him or letting the children down by not providing them with a 'normal family life'? Maybe you are still fairly isolated, feel somehow 'different' from the other people at work or at the school gate, your self-esteem is low and you find it difficult to relate to others? Maybe you are frightened about what he might do next, this is a new situation, and you don't know what to expect?

These are all feelings and fears which are normal after escaping an abusive relationship. Living with an abuser can erode your self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. But once you have escaped, you will find that your sense of worth and confidence does return, even though it may take some time to 'find yourself' again. You have already shown yourself that you have the ability to make decisions, that you have the courage and strength to carry through your resolves, and you know you can cope with almost anything you have to face - after all, if you managed to maintain your sanity and keep functioning (i.e. coping and surviving) while in an abusive relationship, you have all the skills and strength needed to continue to do so. Remember, each day you get through you are a Survivor, no longer a Victim.

Below are a few suggestions for helping you through those first few weeks or months after the separation:

• Keep a diary of everything you manage to do, even mundane things such as making a proper meal, taking the kids somewhere, cleaning the kitchen floor or paying a bill. Give yourself credit for everything you achieve. When you are feeling low and as though you cannot cope, this will serve as a reminder of how much you do actually get done on a daily basis.

• Seek out a local support group. This will help you feel less isolated and help validate your experiences and feeling and help you understand what has and is happening.

• Educate yourself on Domestic Abuse. At your own pace read up on how an abusive relationship works, it's short- and long-term effects, etc. This will help you to understand and better deal with the abuse, will validate your feelings and help you feel less isolated.

• Be creative. Draw or paint pictures, whatever comes into your head. compose poems or write down your experiences, what has happened, how you feel. Often this helps to work through and formalise your experiences and feelings.

• Pamper and reward yourself. Buy yourself something nice, bubble bath, perfume, a new book or an outfit. It doesn't have to be big or expensive, but it has to be something for you!

• Change things. Many survivors have found making changes in their surroundings or their own appearance has helped. Paint a room, change your hairstyle, re-arrange the furniture, etc. anything that personalises you or your place. This will stamp your own identity on to your surroundings, and also give you a sense of achievement and satisfaction.

• Set yourself goals. Make them realistic and start at the beginning. If it is difficult facing the other mothers at the school gate, set yourself the task of just saying 'hello' to one other person. But don't pressurise yourself to reach your targets too soon. Sometimes we learn more by not reaching our goals on target than by doing so easily. Work at your own pace, not the expectation of other people.

• Keep the number of a good friend next to the phone for those low patches when you just need someone to talk to. If there is no-one whom you can confide in, or at least not any time day or night, keep the number for the Samaritans nearby or another 24-hour helpline number. That's what they are there for!

• Ensure you get time-out. Time just for yourself. Arrange for a friend or family member to look after the kids for the afternoon or evening (if none are available, find a reliable babysitter) and do something you enjoy. This isn't selfish - you need to look after yourself to be any good to anyone else, especially if you have children. And you need to learn to look after yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost. You deserve it!

• Get some exercise and fresh air. Go for a walk, take up swimming or some other sport. Some survivors find doing a self-defence or martial arts course helps build their confidence back up (however, some people find martial arts too tactile to begin with, especially if they have been raped). Keeping fit is good for body and mind.

• Make up a tape of your favourite music tracks. Music can lift your spirits and encourage you in your resolve. (Personally, I keep Eurythmics "Thorn in My Side" and Gloria Gaynor "I am what I am" to hand for those low patches.)

• Take a few days off now and again, visit friends or family and enjoy a change of scenery. This can help boost your batteries again and can act as a good reminder that there is more to life and still plenty to enjoy.

Above all else, if you haven't done so already, seek counselling. ANY form of abuse is traumatic and nibbles away at our deep-seated need for security. It can challenge our understanding and perception of how life works, leaving us feeling insecure and fragile at the very least. Good counselling helps us work through both the short-term and long-term effects of abuse, enabling us to learn and grow from our experiences. Check out the list of Helplines and Organisations, ask your local GP for local services or charities or phone Women's Aid for local information.

© 2001, Hidden Hurt

For further ideas and suggestions on dealing with the aftermath of Domestic Abuse and more especially Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, read this article!

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