Physical Abuse
Physical assault is the most obvious form of Domestic Violence,
the most visible, and also the most lethal. Assaults often start
small, maybe a small shove during an argument, or forcefully grabbing
your wrist, but over time, physical abuse (or battering) usually
becomes more severe, and more frequent, and can result in the death
of the victim.
Physical abuse is any act of violence on the victim, and can include
the following:
- slapping,
- kicking,
 shoving,- choking,
- pinching,
- forced feeding,
- pulling hair,
- punching,
- throwing things,
- burning,
- beating,
- use of weapons (gun, knives, or any object)
- physical restraint - pinning against wall, floor,
bed, etc.
- reckless driving, etc.
Basically any behaviour which hurts or physically harms, or is
intended to do so.
He came upstairs and asked me to get out of bed to help him
look for a work shirt. I didn't get out of bed. I replied that
I wanted to go to sleep. He suddenly turned on me. He kicked me
out of bed, somehow got me in the posistion of being flat on my
back. He stood on me and spat in my face. (Charlotte's Story)
He went on a rampage with a hammer; smashed holes in the
fridge freezer then proceeded to smash holes in the wall around
my head, laughing as he did so chanting “Eenie, meenie,
miny, mo”.
Threats
Where threats are made within an violent relationship they can
be as debilitating as the violence itself. A victim who has already
suffered being battered need not imagine the result of displeasing
the abuser, or doubt the abuser's ability to carry out the threats.
Even where the victim has not been physically assaulted, the abuser
will often demonstrate his ability to harm her by punching walls
or furniture, kicking the cat/dog, or using aggressive behaviour.
However, many threats are not physical but part of the ongoing
emotional abuse. The abuser may threaten
to 'disappear' with the children, report his partner to Social Services
as an unfit mother or 'have you locked up in an asylum", harm
a significant third party (e.g. family member), refuse housekeeping,
leave or commit suicide. Whether the threats are of a physical,
sexual or emotional nature, they are all designed to further control
the victim by instilling fear and ensuring compliance.
The abuser becomes not only the source of pain and abuse,
but also the protector, as he/she is not only the person being
abusive, but also the person who can prevent the threatened
action, increasing the victim's dependence on him.
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Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse can be defined as any sexual encounter without consent
and includes any unwanted touching, forced sexual activity, be it
oral, anal or vaginal, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts,
painful or degrading acts during intercourse (e.g.. urinating on
victim), and exploitation through photography or prostitution.
The abuser my use violence to rape his partner (this is most common
where physical violence is also current) or he may use only enough
force to control his partner's movements (known as 'force-only
rape'). Coercion or manipulation in the form of threats,
emotional or psychological abuse may also be used, leaving the victim
to submit to unwanted sexual acts out of fear or guilt. The abuser
may, for instance, imply that should she not submit, he will hit
her, leave her and find 'another woman', withdraw the housekeeping,
or punish her in some other way. Or the abuser may insist on sex
following a physical attack for the victim to 'prove' she has forgiven
him. Whatever form of coercion is used, be it physical, financial
or emotional, any sexual act which is not based on mutual consent
constitutes sexual abuse.
Sexual Abuse can involve any of the following:
- excessive jealousy
- calling you sexually derogatory names
- criticising you sexually
- forcing unwanted sexual act
- forcing you to strip, or forcefully stripping
you
- sadistic sexual acts
- withholding sex and/or affection
- making sex conditional on your behaviour or
agreement to include practices you are not happy about, eg using
porn or sex toys
- minimising or denying your feelings about sex
or sexual preferences
- forcing sex after physical assault
- using coercion to force sex
- taking unwanted sexual photos, sharing these
with other people/internet without your consent
- forcing you into prostitution
- forcing sex when you are ill or tired
Marital Rape
When sexual abuse occurs within marriage, the victim will often
feel very confused as to whether or not she has been 'raped'. It
seems obvious to all (general public, law enforcement agencies,
religious leaders, etc.) that when a woman (or man) is raped out
on the street by a stranger, that rape has occurred and is wrong.
When rape occurs within the marriage, neither abuser nor victim
may consider it legal rape. This is partially due to the general
acceptance of the Christian tradition within our culture which tells
us that it is the wife's duty to fulfil her husband's sexual demands.
Many women (both religious and non-religious) don't believe they
have the right to refuse sex, that 'sex on demand' is an unwritten
part of the marriage contract. When they have been raped by their
husband, they are inclined to take responsibility for the abuse,
furthering the feelings of guilt and lack of self-worth. This blame-taking
is further increased by the abuser's justifications, e.g. 'it
is your fault for saying no ...'. When no actual physical violence
was used (i.e. coercion or force-only ) many men will deny that
rape has actually occurred and treat the abuse as though it was
normal and by joint consent. This has the effect of further confusing
the victim as to the reality of her experience. Marriage, however,
is a contract based on mutual love, respect and consideration. Each
party has a right to their own body, and while consideration for
each person's sexual needs is normal, forced sexual acts are not
an expression of love, but a purposeful betrayal of the respect
and trust which form a solid marriage.
Marital Rape for more information.
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Emotional/Psychological Abuse
Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more
subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does
not recognize that she is being abused. Although emotional abuse
does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously
damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars
your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is always accompanied and often
follows emotional abuse, i.e. emotional battering is used to wear
the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine
her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for
her abuser's actions and behaviour towards her or simply accept
it.
"I thought Domestic Violence always meant that someone
had to be beating someone else up. I never realised the daily
belittleling, shouting, demands and isolating were all part
of the same problem ..."
He would move things around, switch the heating on when
I thought I’d put it off. I thought I was going insane.
(A Bed of Thorns)
There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They
encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognisable
by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed
by others. They include:
Isolation
The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom
she speaks to and what she does. This can take the form of simply
not allowing her to use the phone, have her friends round or visit
her family, or ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad
mood because she left some housework undone, making her feel guilty
that she was out enjoying herself while he worked, or even encouraging
her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discounting them
or complaining that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby
than she does him or is neglecting him. Some abusers may move home
frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support
network.
Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating
that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety
when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his
victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship,
be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority
over and take their partner away from them, i.e. poses a threat.
The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone
in her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality
check', and is ultimately more dependant on the abuser for all her
social needs.
Forms of Isolation include:
- checking up on you
- accusing you of unfaithfulness
- moving to an isolated area
- ensuring you lack transport or a telephone
- making your friends or family feel uncomfortable
when visiting so that they cease
- punishing you for being 10 minutes late home
from work by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
- not allowing you to leave the house on your
own or taking away your passport
- demanding a report on your actions and conversations
- preventing you from working
- not allowing any activity which excludes him
- finding fault with your friends/family
- insisting on taking you to and collecting you
from work
In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally
becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities,
such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities. Other family
members or the perpetrators friends can also be used to 'keep an
eye on' the victim, acting effectively as prison guards.
Verbal Abuse
When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling
insulting names at the victim, and while this obviously does happen,
there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use
critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a
mind like ditchwater; you're stupid; etc.), he may withhold
conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up
all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse
undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who you
think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.
Verbal abuse can include:
- yelling or shouting at you
- making threats
- insulting you or your family
- being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising
your interests, opinions or beliefs
- humiliating you either in private or in company
- sneering, growling, name-calling
- withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
- refusing to discuss issues which are important
to you
- laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
- leaving nasty messages
- accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard
enough or purposely doing something to annoy
- blaming you for his failures or other forms
of abuse
All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction
between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts,
feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation
between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner
to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.
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Financial Abuse
Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access
to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while
handling money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which
the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial
dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof
over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying
your ability to do so or obstructing you.
Financial abuse can include the following:
- preventing you from getting or keeping a job
- denying you sufficient housekeeping
- having to account for every penny spent
- denying access to cheque book/account/finances
- putting all bills in your name
- demanding your paychecks
- spending money allocated to bills/groceries
on himself
- forcing you to beg or commit crimes for money
- spending Child Benefit on himself
- not permitting you to spend available funds
on yourself or children
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Stories used as examples of abuse:
Charlotte's
Story
A Bed
of Thorns
Examples & Quiz
For a list of some of the abuse suffered by just one woman at the
hands of her husband, click
here.
Think you understand about Domestic Abuse? Check out the DV Quiz
on Rhiannon3: click
here. |
