Examples of abuse

The following is an example of some of the abuse suffered during her marriage by just one woman - Allison. This list shows quite clearly how different forms of abuse are interrelated, one never occuring in isolation, but as a pattern of behaviour:

• Husband spent Christmas money on expensive car stereo rather than on kids Christmas.
• Pulled all wires and boards out of computer so that I could not use it.
• Smashed up all my discs with my college work and programs.
• Deleted all my files from computer
• Changed passwords on my e-mail and instant messenger so that I could not access them without his permission.
• Put holes in bedroom walls, kitchen walls and broke spindles on banister.
• Smashed up alarm clocks and lamps.
• Tipped me out of bed numerous times so that I could not sleep.
• Dictated where I could sleep and when, then he kept me awake either by playing loud music or by annoying me.
• Continually called me names in front of the children and undermined my authority with them.
• Raised his voice and argued with me in front of the children.
• Pushed me around in front of the children.
• Threatened to kill me.
• Told me that I would never be free of him that he would make it his sole life purpose to make my life hell.
• Took me by the throat and bashed my head off the oven door.
• Would not allow me to use the phone.
• Would not allow me to watch his TV.
• Would only allow me to play his choice of music.
• Critisised my housekeeping and child rearing skills.
• Denied me housekeeping money.
• Ignored family members when they came to visit.
• Insisted that I be there to make his dinner on my mornings off college.
• If I went out to visit family members then I was not allowed to be long.
• Left me to pay rent, gas, electricity, food, clothing, Xmas gifts, house insurance etc. with the money I received for college and child benefit.
• If I refused to have sex then I was subjected to verbal and physical abuse and had to put up with his moods for days.
• Would be ignored for up to a week at a time.
• If I asked for money then I was shouted at and told what a failure I was.
• Often had to borrow money from my mum rather than ask him for.
• Had to have his supper ready and on the table for when he finished work.
• Would have to put up with his loud music when I was trying to study.
• Had to drop every thing and make him coffee whenever he ordered me to.
• Was allowed to count his savings but not allowed to spend them.
• Had to constantly tidy up after him.
• Was ordered to send the kids upstairs out of his way as they annoyed him.
• Had to attend all school and doctors appointments for the kids alone as he was not interested.
• Was continually reminded that he provided me with all appliances and beds and that I was lucky to have him.
• Told me that he was far superior to me and should be treated as such.
• Told me to do the gardening and then Critisised it.
• Was continually made to feel stupid.
• Had any past relationships thrown in my face.
• If I refused to have sex then he either annoyed me until I gave in or raped me.
• Took my mobile phone away from me.
• Would switch the heating on after I had switched it off making me think I was going insane.
• Was not allowed to go to bed until his cat came in.
• If I was unwell I still had to carry on as normal, doing the housework, childcare and cooking.
• Was only allowed one day off from cooking in 3 years.
• When he was living in a different town attending university he would phone me up to tell me that he was either in a nightclub or at the casino having the time of his life.
• He tried to strangle me after my brothers wedding in Feb but told me that it was my fault, that I deserved it and that he would finish it off.
• Destroyed all of my possessions from my life before him.
• Carved around me as I sat on the sofa with an electric knife.
• Smashed up the TV with a hammer.
• Threatened to smash my head in with a hammer and proceeded to bash holes in the wall around me.
• Smashed plates of food off the wall because I did not cook what he wanted.
• Drove me into the woods driving like a maniac and threatened to kill us both leaving the kids with no one.
• Beat me up and bashed my head off the radiator whilst pregnant because I would not sleep at his command.
• Smashed up a full fish tank because I wanted to finish making a pair of curtains before going to bed.
• Told me that he had slept around numerous times during our relationship and that I had no choice but to accept it.
• Smashed up the house and then made me clean up the house before raping me.
• Put a brick through my mother’s window because I annoyed him.
• Pushed me around and humiliated me in front of his friend then exposed my nakedness thinking it was funny.
• He had cybersex online and told me that it was better than sleeping with me.
• Would spend hours with female friends but restricted my choice of friends and the time I spent with them.
• Cut up my clothes.
• Broke jewellery that I received as gifts from friends.
• Constantly told me that I was fat and ugly and that no other man would ever want me therefore I was lucky to have him.
• Would promise me treats such as clothes, driving provisional or a night off from cooking only to be told that I had done something wrong and did not deserve anything.
• Would buy himself something new practically every week but I was not allowed anything because he was the provider not me.
• If I wanted to go out to the shops then he refused to look after the children and I had to find a babysitter.
• I lived life constantly on the edge and would do anything to keep him happy.
• For 4 years he took twice weekly visits to visit his family but I was never allowed to go.
• Was not allowed to lock the bathroom door when I had to go to the toilet or have a bath.
• The only birthday present I ever received was grow bag for the garden so that I could get on with it.
• Three times I had to go into hospital for operations but had to return the same day to make his meals and look after the children because that was not his job.
• Had to make my own way home from hospital after giving birth to my daughter because he was too tired to come and collect us.
• Was not allowed to let the children stay overnight with family members as they were my children and it was my job to look after them.
• Told me that I was obviously a terrible person due to the fact that my first marriage had failed and that I deserved all that I got.
• Forced me to have an aids test after we got back together because he said that I was a slut.
• Whenever we split up he harassed and threatened me until I agreed to take him back.
• Took great pleasure in telling me how he showered gifts on girlfriends that he had during our splits.
• Smashed up mirrored wardrobes in a fit of rage causing me to slash my arm whilst trying to clean up.
• Threatened to slash my throat with a knife.
• Went crazy with a hammer smashing up our home.
• Split open my nose by bashing my head into the kitchen wall units.
• Cut my chin with a knife.
• Pushed, shoved and beat me causing me to have a miscarriage.
• Locked me in a room with a pigeon because I had a fear of birds. He then killed the bird with his bare hands and cooked it for his cat.
• Would not allow me to visit the doctor when I felt I needed help.
• Burned photos of the children.
• Took money from my purse without telling me.
• Searched my bag.
• Refused to let me go to his family weddings with him.

Read Allison's Personal Story - A Bed of Thorns.

Back to Types of Abuse.