DO believe her. Her description of the violence is only the
tip of the iceberg.
DO reassure her that this is not her fault, she doesn’t
deserve this treatment, it is not God’s will for her.
DO give her referral information; primary resources are battered
women’s services or shelters and National Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE
(7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
DO support and respect her choices. Even if she chooses initially
to return to the abuser, it is her choice. She has the most information
about how to survive.
DO encourage her to think about a safety plan: set aside some
money; copies of important papers for her and children; a change
of clothes hidden or in care of a friend if she decides to go
to a shelter. Plan how to exit the house the next time the abuser
is violent. Plan what to do about the children if they are at
school; if they are asleep, etc. (This is both practical and helps
her stay in touch with the reality of the abuser’s violence.
Safety planning is a process that is ongoing.)
DO protect her confidentiality.
DO NOT give information about her or her whereabouts to the
abuser or to others who might pass information on to the abuser.
Do not discuss with the parish council/session/elders who might
inadvertently pass information on to the abuser.
DO help her with any religious concerns. If she is Christian,
give her a copy of KEEPING THE FAITH: GUIDANCE FOR CHRISTIAN WOMEN
FACING ABUSE.
DO emphasize that the marriage covenant is broken by the violence
from her partner.
DO assure her of God’s love and presence, of your commitment
to walk with her through this valley of the shadow of death.
DO help her see that her partner’s violence has broken
the marriage covenant and that God does not want her to remain
in a situation where her life and the lives of her children are
in danger. If she decides to separate and divorce,
DO support her and help her to mourn the loss to herself and
her children.
DO pray with her. Ask God to give her the strength and courage
she needs.
DON’T minimize the danger to her. You can be a reality
check. “From what you have told me, I am very much concerned
for your safety . . .”
DON’T tell her what to do. Give information and support.
DON’T react with disbelief, disgust, or anger at what she
tells you. But don’t react passively either. Let her know
that you are concerned and that what the abuser has done to her
is wrong and not deserved by her.
DON’T blame her for his violence. If she is blaming herself,
try to reframe: “I don’t care if you did have supper
late or forget to water the lawn, that is no reason for him to
be violent with you. This is his problem.”
DON’T recommend couples counseling or approach her husband
and ask for “his side of the story.” These actions will
endanger her.
DON’T recommend “marriage enrichment,” “mediation,”
or a “communications workshop.” None of these will address
the goals listed above.
DON’T send her home with a prayer and directive to submit
to her husband, bring him to church, or be a better Christian
wife.
DON’T encourage her to forgive him and take him back.
DO NOT encourage her dependence on you OR BECOME EMOTIONALLY
OR SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH HER.
DON’T do nothing.
DO consult with colleagues in the wider community who may have
expertise and be able to assist you in your response.
If he has been arrested, DO approach him and express your concern
and support for him to be accountable and to deal with his violence.
DON’T meet with him alone and in private. Meet in a public
place or in the church with several other people around.
DON’T approach him or let him know that you know about
his violence unless a) you have the victim’s permission,
b) she is aware that you plan to talk to him and c) you are certain
that his partner is safely separated from him.
DO address any religious rationalizations he may offer or questions
he may have.
DON’T allow him to use religious excuses for his behavior.
DO name the violence as his problem, not hers. Tell him that
only he can stop it; and you are willing to help.
DO refer to a program which specifically addresses abusers.
DO assess him for suicide or threats of homicide. DO warn the
victim if he makes specific threats towards her.
DON’T pursue couples’ counseling with him and his
partner if you are aware that there is violence in the relationship.
DON’T go to him to confirm the victim’s story.
DON’T give him any information about his partner or her
whereabouts.
DON’T be taken in by his minimization, denial or lying
about his violence.
DON’T accept his blaming her or other rationalizations
for his behavior.
DON’T be taken in by his “conversion” experience.
If it is genuine, it will be a tremendous resource as he proceeds
with accountability. If it is phony, it is only another way to
manipulate you and the system and maintain control of the process
to avoid accountability.
DON’T advocate for the abuser to avoid the legal consequences
of his violence.
DON’T provide a character witness for this purpose in any
legal proceedings.
DON’T forgive an abuser quickly and easily.
DON’T confuse his remorse with true repentance.
DON’T send him home with a prayer. Work with others in
the community to hold him accountable.
DO pray with him. Ask God to help him stop his violence, repent
and find a new way.
DO assure him of your support in this endeavor.
DO find ways to collaborate with community agencies and law
enforcement to hold him accountable.
