There is No Fear in Love
I volunteer at a homeless shelter for teenagers, most of whom have
aged out of the foster care system, and most of whom have been abused
by someone in their lives. Very often the young women and men are
struggling in relationships, not understanding what is healthy and
what is abusive.
“He tells me that he loves me and this is why he hits
me. He says he’s doing it for my own good, that I deserve
it and someone has to discipline me.”
“He has to keep me in line and show me what’s
right. That proves he loves me.”
“I feel bad when he calls me names and smacks me around,
but he cares. It doesn’t feel good, but nobody else cares
about me like he does.”
The young women I work with at the shelter want to know how they
can tell if a boyfriend is going to be abusive. They’re looking
for some quick measure, a litmus test, to determine whether or not
he is “good” or “bad.” They have been told
by their abusers, and believe, that they deserve punishment as discipline.
Each time we have this discussion, I keep returning to one simple
truth, stated quite clearly in Scripture:
“ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives
out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who
fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
God is love, and God’s love for us is unconditional. God
wants us to love him, but gives us the freedom to make that choice.
God does not force us to love him. If someone is afraid in a relationship,
then that is not love. Everyone deserves a violence-free life. No
one deserves to be beaten and humiliated. If a person in a relationship
has to worry that something she said or did might “set him
off,” if she is always “walking on eggshells,”
or “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” or afraid of
how he is going to verbally tear her down, then that is not love.
Fear and love cannot coexist. If someone is afraid, it is because
they are afraid of punishment and retribution. And that is not love,
because there is no fear in love.
To many in abusive situations, love is control, and the relationship
is one of a strict adult to a wayward child, rather than an adult
to an adult. It is not a relationship based upon mutual respect,
but one in which one party dominates the other physically and emotionally.
It is difficult to accept a healthy relationship when one comes
from a background of abuse.
Freedom is a scary thing, requiring decisions and choices, something
an abuse victim may never have been allowed to make, and so is ill-equipped
to do so. When control is interpreted as caring, freedom may be
interpreted as the opposite – lack of caring, or even abandonment.
For someone who may have been neglected in their past, or who fears
rejection for making an improper decision, this is an unbearable
prospect. Being controlled is much safer than being set adrift in
a sea of options without being equipped with the self-confidence
to make any choices.
Allowing a partner freedom in a relationship requires trust, and
trust is in short supply for both abusers and victims. An abuser
interprets the relationship as one based on love. The ultimate fear,
then, is that the victim may find someone else more desirable than
the abuser and leave, or that the victim may have enough money and
independence and leave. Abusers ensure that their victims will never
abandon them by exerting control over them and by creating a great
dependency on the part of the victims for the abuser. There is jealousy
for anyone or anything that gets in the way of this “love.”
It is not true love, but a love based on fear and control.
The victim also interprets the relationship as one based on love,
with control being interpreted as love and caring. But the victim
quickly learns, however, that she cannot trust the abuser. She never
knows when the abuse will occur and so she becomes afraid. The valuable
trust of a committed relationship is broken by an abuser the first
time he abuses a victim. Even if both parties think it is love,
just calling it that does not make it so. Without trust and without
freedom, love cannot exist.
The issues, feelings and interactions involved in abusive relationships
are very complex and difficult to understand. Trust, freedom, and
control are complicated issues that engender a great deal of discussion
and varying opinions. One rule of thumb for determining the health
of a relationship, however, remains quite simple – if it is
true love, one should not be afraid. We have God’s Word on
it.
copyright © August 2007 Diane Stelling
(Check out Diane's website at www.dianestelling.com)
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