Poetry Corner
If I cry alone
If I cry alone,
am I like the tree
falling in the forest?
the one that
if there’s no-one to hear it
then does it make a sound?
Does pain have a voice?
Or a shape,
Or a form?
And if it does,
Is it the shape
Of a tear drop?
And if a tear drops
Where does it go?
Does it still exist?
And if pain has a voice
Is it a sob,
a cry in the dark?
And if I cry alone,
Then no-one will hear it,
And if no-one hears it
Does it make a sound?
Epitaph to a Marriage
You met me in the spring; my garden was just beginning
to bloom.
Tentative shoots reaching up through the soil
Green, tender, cautious, unsure.
I was just beginning to learn as a gardener, other
hands had not taught me; I had to find my own way.
I made mistakes; planted the wrong thing in the wrong place at the
wrong time.
Sometimes I tended the weeds and neglected the flowers; ignored
the weaker delicate ones, not knowing their worth.
And then you came. I opened the gates and you entered
where no other had been before.
At first you helped; you showed me how to support the young trees,
so they would grow straight and strong, you brought new flowers
to my garden and we planted together. We planted two trees right
in the centre.
But I could not maintain it and the weeds encroached.
I realised my lack; that my garden was not comfortable
for you. So I went and learnt how to nurture it. I learnt how to
use new tools; I learnt that weeds grow deep, and how to dig to
the roots. The roots were widespread; it took time but soon they
were gone. In their place I planted new flowers: their scent sweet.
Summer had come and my garden grew, I thought you
would be pleased. You came, you looked, but you didn’t see
and you never noticed the new flowers, or stayed to enjoy their
scent.
My garden still grew, but you never did approve
of the wild beauty of my garden did you? You had to come and straighten
plants that should have been left and trample those that needed
support. You came with your scythe; cut down, and trampled the ground,
leaving your prints all over the soil.
And all the while you forgot your own garden because
you chose not to see the weeds that grew there your eyes were too
haughty.
So I hid my garden, and grew it in secret; my flowers
bloomed but not under your gaze.
I trusted you! You said you knew how it was all
to be done, so I trusted you.
But among my flowers you grew thorns; you did not feed the soil,
you destroyed where you should have built. The flowers we once planted
together in the spring grew weak and now are dead.
Only the two trees remain.
We open our Hearts so freely
We open our hearts so freely,
We surrender our all,
But when the bruises show,
We pretend it's just a fall.
We allow it to continue,
Each and every day,
We scream silent cries for help,
But no one hears, no one sees, no one say.
Even when we wince in pain,
We think it could get better,
Deep down we know it can't,
To them we do not matter.
Each and every day we live in fear,
Could this be our last?
In front of others we joke and laugh,
As not to show our past.
We allow ourselves to be bullied,
In every abusive way,
It happens in every shape and form,
Day after day after day.
We fear in life we fear in death,
But which of the two evils are better,
We are tormented in both,
So it doesn't really matter.
All I want is to love and be loved,
Is that too much to ask?
But every time I find it,
It becomes an impossible task.
I look all around me,
And I see it all there,
Couples so much in love,
It's more than I can bare.
I feel so alone,
Altho' friends are all around,
I open my mouth to tell them,
But nothing comes out, not a sound.
Never used to have this trouble,
Of sayin' what needed to be said,
Perhaps this man has changed me,
By the living in fear an' dread.
Hope
The sun will learn to smile again
The waves will soar and toss
When we have sifted out the mud
From hidden pearls in dross
The wind will whisper soothing words
To all who hear in peace
the raging storm will clear the deck
And then the clouds will cease.
The sand itself will laugh and sing
The trees will up and dance
As joy and peace and love and truth
are given lasting chance.
Who?
I sit in wonderment
with the sun shining in the garden.
The trees sway gently in the city
with squirrels chasing each other from limb to limb.
What of my limbs?
They remain still and useless
Bent but not broken
from the terrors of life doled out to me
in one single blow.
The amazement of life is...
that one toss of a coin-
one drop of a hat-
one single moment in time-
can leave behind such havoc.
Who cleans up that mess?
Who will be held responsible?
I can say No
I can say no if I want to
then my mouth was shoved full of soap
I can so no if I want to
then I got a belt
Now I say no if I want to
and now they really hear
as boundaries around me
make it very clear
False Affirmations
Both doors were left wide open again
for the dog and the boy to get out
it never seems to occur to you
that I may not be about
Your filthy jeans I found
amongst the clean washing of course
as were your overalls and your socks
Through the window the sun will force
it's light to shine upon the stained covers
of the shredded settee
picking up every scrap of dirt
and fag ash on the patterned carpet
which I chose to try and conceal the mess
to which it adds its subdued hues.
You put me on a pillar which you can't support
plastering the ever increasing cracks
with verbal confirmations of your ideal.
I did not ask to be put up there
just a fair hearing and trial
yet when your column of false images fails
I will be to blame
We hide in Silence
We hide in silence
Keeping our thoughts in safes
Locked away for fear of not being believed
We hide in our homes
In the comfort of the known
The prison where we know to follow rules
We hide in isolation
Self-imposed through lack of self
We hide behind our roles
Our duties to each other
Never letting on the person behind the scenes
We hide for fear of being
Lest we should wake up and try to live.
Lessons from a walk in
the dark
Meandering out on a moonlit night
Avoiding the lanes with neon light
Feeling the cold against my cheek
Gathering strength for another week
Mind crowded out by trouble's the norm
But Jesus slept through the storm
I look at the moon and the world at large
And try to remember who's in charge
My life is so transient next to a star
The heavens so high yet God not far
As dark surrounds each forward stride
So God does catch each hurt I cried
If I had only known you'd give just one thing to
me,
It was your promise on our wedding day-the one didn't keep.
You promised you would cherish me until we both
grew old,
The only vows you took to heart was "To Have" and "To
Hold".
"To Have" me? I'm a prisoner, an object
standing still.
"To Hold" me? Yes, you've done that too, but against my
will.
If walls could tell their stories, and doors unlocked
themselves,
Everyone would have a view into my secret hell.
Crazy? That is what you want me to think I am,
Telling me you meant no harm....and that you never will again.
The nights you tower over me just to make me feel
As if the blame and shame are mine-and my feelings are not real.
But you don't know that with each blow and hurt
you have to give,
The more you build my silent nerve, and my will to live.
You think that you have won, I'm broken on the ground,
But you don't know the plans in place and strength that I have found.
Just know there will come a day, not far within
my reach,
The only things to grip my soul are happiness and peace.
Like a Bird
Like a bird shot to the ground, just as she learns
to fly
Pulled from the warm winds, on the weight of all the lies
Her saviour's silence deafens her, shadows embrace her all around
She listens in the darkness, broken winged and never found
2 o'clock
Its almost 2 o'clock this is where it begins
Bang goes the door,
In he walks tall and thin
He looks all around
Looks me up and down
Then he grabs for a drink
Not making a sound
Within a second
That drink has all gone
Get me another,
Or else is his song
I get up from the chair
My head to the floor
But before I can get it
He's there at the door
Thump that's the first punch
Followed with a clip
Get me a drink,
I do with blood flowing from my lip
Where is my dinner, u stupid fat cow?
Get rid of that baby, put her to bed
Right now
This is the time
I plan our escape
I should never have met him
It was such a mistake
I walk back in the room
He's standing, in wait
He kicks and punches me
My face is a state
I rise from the floor
Room spinning around
I walk to the kitchen not making a sound
I cook his dinner I get him a drink
And then I stand and wait at the kitchen sink
Take out this plate, and get me a drink
I walk towards him not daring to blink
I grab for the glass to replenish he's needs
But before I can touch it
I'm down on my knees
A slap round the face
A punch in the head
I sometimes think
I would rather be dead
He calls for another, and another again
He says he drinks to kill the pain
What pain I think I'm the one who's bruised
I'm the one who's battered and abused
At last he's asleep I can now go to bed
At least for an hour
I don't sleep, though, to many thoughts in my head
Its almost 2 o'clock he's awake now it begins
Bang goes the door,
In he walks tall and thin
Another slap to the face
Then I love you with a grin
I wait till tomorrow when a new day begins
No Happy Ending
by Hayley, not a princess.
I believe in my destiny, and believe in my fate,
I know that whatever, my life has its date.
And while I have choices, and things I must do,
I trust that my heart will carry me through.
You think you can see what I feel, what I am,
With your shallow vision, there's no way that you can.
You know that I'm broken, but call me insane,
To me it was special, to you just a game.
The good times were false, not one of them real,
You took hold of my heart and fed me the spiel.
Conquered my body, then mastered my mind,
Now I can see why they say that loves blind.
You cheated and conned me so evil and cruel,
Called me your stalker to make me the fool.
I loved you so deeply with nothing to gain
All that you gave me was heartache and pain.
You shouldn't have hurt me, no one deserves that,
Then thought you could fix it with coffee and chat.
I played on your team for two solid years
Bitter and angry I'm all out of tears.
The thing is darling; I'm stronger than you
And Insane, I agree! Who knows what I will do.
Plans to destroy you race through my brain,
The way you destroyed me again and again.
Full time already, you say that I've won
There's no defeat yet, the games not begun.
You'll be the one to surrender it all
Because I'm in your court and I have the ball!
If I were the person that you now perceive
I would take out revenge, that, I'm sure you believe.
However, I'm not, you still don't know ME
My name is Hayley, not psycho or she!
No feelings of hatred or wanting you dead
That of sadness, disbelief and lost love instead.
Honesty and respect what I wanted from you,
Left with just memories but which ones were true?
Sometimes I pray that my broken heart stops
Or that I might drown in my endless teardrops.
My emotions a blur, so much which needs mending
I can't be a princess, there's no happy ending?
Deadly Storm
Its time for me to start listening to me,
The day has come to set myself free,
My head and my heart always at war
My head saying go, my heart shuts the door.
Suffering each day with the hurt and the pain
Yet wanting to hold you again and again
Feeling your strength as I hit the ground
An explosion of anger too tightly wound.
There's nowhere to go, you've locked the door
Eyes shut so tight, please god no more!
Numb yet in pain as I struggle to stand
Then my lip splits from the force of your hand
I can't get away there's no place to run
Just ride out the storm, the worst of its done
Blurred from my tears or the blow to my head
I can't seem to focus perhaps I am dead?
Lying on the floor I pray this is the last
Then a kick to my stomach as you stride past
I crawl to a corner where I cower and sob
“You pushed me to it now shut your gob”
Back again this time to silence my question
Your hand covers my mouth to teach me a lesson
I struggle to breath so you grip even tighter
I'm scared that I'm dying my heads getting lighter.
One final shove as my head hits the wall
I scream, “if you cared why be so cruel”
Then like a switch as you turn on a light
“Please let me hold you, are you alright”?
I'm stunned but relieved that it's finally ended
You kiss all the bruises, to you now its mended.
For me it's not over, I still question why?
To hide what YOU'VE done now I have to lie.
Friends aren't stupid they guess what's gone on
I lie to protect you and say nothings wrong
Gradually the damage starts to heal and fade
I stuck to my story and kept up the charade.
I'm Clumsy you see and have two small boys
Always getting bumped in the face with their toys,
It's not fair to them when you are to blame
Why do you not feel embarrassed or shame?
It's your reputation that must stay in tact
You won't do it again and that's a fact,
I cannot predict when the next rage will be
But I know before long you are sure to kill me!
What a Lad!
His love was a sham
he did not give a damn
He kept me in the dark
Isolated
Upon my doubts
He predated
What little that I asked
To him was a pressured task
What I gave to him
He took upon a whim
What joy I had
He turned bad
What a lad!
A Childhood Lost
I am the eldest one of three
I have two brothers younger than me
When we were growing up our lives were sad
Living at home with our mum and dad
We had no money and very little food
He spent it on drink and came home in a mood
The teachers at my school said how well I did
They must have known the secrets I hid
How may pairs of glasses can one woman break?
The bruises, the marks, the lives at stake
That's why we slept out on the streets at night
For me it was safer, so we used to take flight
Away from the man supposed to protect
Out into the darkness, did anyone suspect?
For if we stayed I knew what it would mean
A beating for mum would be heard or seen
I envied my friends, they had happy lives
With dads who actually loved their wives
I am now older with kids of my own
My dad's 56 and now lives alone
He lost his kids, his home and his wife
He's dying of cancer, now he's losing his life
He's no longer scary, he's no longer bad
He's a Grandad who's dying, but he's still my dad.
At the top of the stairs
The young boys sat sobbing
At the top of the stairs
Trying not to make a sound
Hearing the drunken bully
Shouting his abuses
Knowing that justice won't be found
Torn over what to do they just sat
At the top of the stairs
Awoken from their dreams
For what seemed like ages
They had laid quite still
Hoping the sounds were not what they seem
The familiar sounds of crying met them
At the top of the stairs
When the finally ventured out
Courage taking them down
Only a few steps
Before finally wimping out
For many times they had sat
At the top of the stairs
Wishing they were bigger and older
Wanting to run downstairs
And pull the bastard off
But knowing they'd need to be much bolder
The guilty fearful boys that sat
At the top of the stairs
Heard the pleas for an end
'Til one day their brave Mother
Decided her bruises
For the last time she would mend
The boys now grown men
Dearly love their Mother
Who for them unconditionally cares
Since the day of their Mothers independence
They vowed never ever again to just sit
At the top of the stairs
~ written by the son of a DV survivor
I Can't
I can't tell you how I really feel. You'll just
get mad and yell.
I can't do the things I really want. You cop an attitude.
I can't feel things the way I really do. It hurts too much.
I can't talk to you about my dreams. I had to give them up.
I can't cut or dye my hair with out you getting mad.
I can't be free to make my own choices, you don't like them.
I can't see the light; your darkness is too over-powering.
I can't live like I want, you criticize what I do.
I can't ask questions, you say I don't listen and ask “what
kind of stupid question is that?”
I can't trust you not to break my heart; you've done it over and
over.
I can't believe you anymore, you've lied too many times.
I can't say the things I want to, you say I'm nit-picking and
we fight, more.
I can't rely on you, you are too irresponsible.
I can't be close to you; you just push me away with your words.
I can't make love to you; you leave me hanging.
I can't plan for the0 future; you only live in the present.
I can't have a life; yours is too busy.
I can't get ahead you spent all our money.
I can't parent because you undermine me.
I can't take a break or you'll call me lazy.
I can't help; you tell me I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't call you; your minutes are too low.
I can't drive my own car because you won't ride passenger.
I can't have an opinion, it will contradict yours.
I can't be right, because you're never wrong.
I can't cry. I'm tired of crying.
What can I do? Wear sunglasses?
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