Lost the Battle but Won the War.
This is the story of one women and her experience of life in Ireland
from the fifties to the present day.
Most of the story centres around Portia's attempt to break free
from abusive relationships during those years.
Childhood
Portia was born in Ireland in 1954. Her father was a farmer and
her mother took care of the house and helped on the farm. The pregnancy
like most pregnancies in Ireland at the time was not planned and
Portia learned early on that she was a "mistake". For
50 years she carried the thought around inside.
She learned to look after herself from an early age. She walked,
talked, and threw away nappies all in one day. However this was
not seen in a positive light at all. Portia was thought to be a
witch because she was so advanced for her age. Around the time of
her fourth birthday her mother called in the services of the Catholic
church and dressed in black hoods and clothes they carried out their
so called work of God. an exorcism. She had nightmares for years
of the terrible pain and vivid memories of her mother checking if
she was still alive by placing a finger under her nose. Portia clearly
remembers the white coffin ready for her. How they kept beating
her spine and saying not to leave any marks. Her father came home
and took her in his arms.
Portia's mother was unable to cope with the children four children
under five years of age. So, her mother became an abuser, mostly
emotional. This was devestating to Portia who was such a bright
child. She went to school at five and flourished in this environment.
However each evening she was working on the farm in the cold. Sometimes
alone for hours outside in the dark loading turnips onto the donkey
and cart. No, she was never afraid of the dark, only the cold. Her
happiest times were spent at school where she excelled in her work
and was praised accordingly. She loved praise and was eager to please,
but no matter how well she did her mother always said that she ought
to have done better and that she should not ever expect to be praised
as it was bad for her in the sense that she would become big headed.
When she was about eleven years old, the sexual abuse began and
continued on and off for a few years. Portia had no knowledge of
the birds and the bees as they used to say back then. She just knew
that it felt wrong. She tried many times to tell her mother but
could not. Her mother preached constantly about girls who got themselves
into trouble. How, if Portia got into any trouble she was not to
come home to the house EVER. . One day, on her way to school she
recollects perfectly being so cold that she hid behind a wall. This
wall, she had been warned never to go near as it belonged to a Protestant
family and so Portia was scared. In the end she blanked out and
remembers thinking that if she did not force hersel the rest of
the way to school, she would die. She got up and made it to school,
where her teacher placed her in front of the fire. Every day the
children collected sticks for the fire for the following day.
About this time also, Portia was in trouble a lot with her mother.
She was always saying who was going to visit and what was going
to happen. Now, her mother was having none of this witch stuff in
her house. So, finally it came to a head and Portia was warned for
the last ime to either stop it or be sent to a reform school ,similar
to the Magdalene Sisters Institute. Portia recalls quite vividly
as she looks to the sky again. . that beautiful sunny day when she
sent that part of herself home to the stars, as she puts it. She
cried for days at the feeling of loss. It was like someone she loved
dearly had died.
Life was not made any easier by the presence of her brother, who
was a year older. He was extremely jealous of her ability at school
and being physically able to outrun him all the time. Then one day,
totally out of the blue, she recalls how he got an axe and chased
her and threw it and hit her on the back of the head. Now, in those
days, she was forbidden to mention this incident to anyone,in case
Social Services took him away. Worse still would be the shame to
the family name. She survived and generally kept her distance.
Some time later she got better grades than him at school and he
attempted to smother her with a pillow. Again it was never mentioned,
but Portia remembers well being asleep in bed with her arms under
the covers and not being able to breathe. Suddenly she realized
what was happening and tried to get up. But he was much stronger
and she was pinned under the clothes unable to use her arms. She
did feel she was slipping away and was powerless to do anything.
Then suddenly from deep inside came a presence of mind and a strength
to survive. She managed to hook her foot to the edge of the bed
and pull herself onto the floor and escape. From that day to this
she always sleeps with her arms over the covers and her left leg
outside the covers.
She also recalls the Christmas that the priest came to the house
for his Christmas box. Now, this box was more like a full hamper.
The Catholic priest collected one from each house as he went along.
Of course the best china was taken out. Well, before this priest
went on his merry way he asked that Portia wash and shine his shoes
as he was too fat to bend down. She looked at her mother thinking
that she would say no. Unfortunately this was the power of the Church
then. So, Portia knelt down and proceeded to wash the pig dung from
his shoes and shine them. Even today she can recall the disgust
and the humiliation of this episode. She explains that she expected
her mother to stand up for her child, but she didn't. In those days
the Catholic Church had this unseen control over people. You had
to stay on their good side to get anywhere. A reference was always
required from your lacal parish priest. She never understood why
another priest who was known to abuse boys was never arrested. No,
all that happened was that the children were warned not to go to
get a mass signed if Father X was on duty. Of course, in later years
she understands perfectly. There is always a safe haven provided
for them. Sometimes there is a chance that they are brought before
the courts.
Then to make more work Portia's mother had two more children.
As her father was now very ill, Portia was given the babies to rear
-mostly single handed. This she did. She sems to have been very
adaptable indeed. She was the equivelent of a little mother to all
the family and explains that she did what was necessary at the time.
She was gifted at sewing and made most of the clothes for everyone
and also curtains etc. In fact, sewing was her escape from the world.
She was called home from school many times as doctors felt her father
was on the point of death. She said good bye to him many times,
but he lived on for many years, constantly in and out of hospital
as doctors failed to diagnose him for years.
She went onto secondary education as this was the beginning of
free education in Ireland.
She was very small for her age, but managed well. Her first school
did not have the subjects Portia wanted so after two years she decided
to do something about it. Her parents had no knowledge as they had
not gone to secondary school. She discovered the telephone for the
first time. Portia remembers that day so well. As she cycled to
the end of the road she saw that there was a signpost for Dublin.
She realised that there were other places out there. The reason
she remembers it is because her mother never allowed the children
to have friends or go anywhere except school. Her face lights up
as she recollects that day. Like a realization that there was somewhere
else to go to. So Portia was more determined than ever to telephone
a member of Parliment to arrange for her to transfer schools. Her
new school was everything she dreamed of and the teachers did everything
possible to help her to do three years work in one.
Then, one evening in the house of a relative Portia discovers
that she was now a woman. She was hysterical in fear. Her cousin
explained a little saying that her mother would tell her later.
Actually Portia remembers her mother walking out of the room in
disgust and never ever mentions anything again. Unfortunately she
went into a deep state of emotional turmoil that no one ever knew
about. This new knowledge and the memory of the past abuse haunted
her daily. She blamed herself. She thought she was dirty and that
no one would ever love her in the future. She was scared of all
men.
Portia discovered later that she had never bonded with her mother.
Her mother shunned her at birth and the feeling was always there
inside that she was a mistake. So, she worked really hard at school
for herself and in the hope that her mother would be proud of her.
Unfortunately,no matter how well she did it was never good enough.
At seventeen Portia was lucky to get a scholarship to University.
She recalls that she had no idea what University education or life
was about until she got there. She signed up for the course that
one teacher recommended, as she had no idea that there were other
choices. She explains that she appeared to drift along. Perhaps
it was the fact that she had lost parts of herself along the way
and did not know this until recent years. She was among the first
women to attend an all mens seminary college. She felt a little
lost there for a while. Portia was really only interested in getting
her degree. For her life was total bliss. She had a place to herself,
all alone, away from demanding members of her family.
At week ends she worked at a market stall with her father to provide
money for the rest of the family. These times were the happiest
that she can recall. She was completely at home there mixing with
all kinds of different people. She was often extremely cold as it
was six am in the depths of winter. She then gathered up some remaining
vegetables and took them back to college. She always hitch hiked
back to Dublin first and then on to her college. There was no danger
in doing this in the seventies, or if there was Portia had no choice
anyway. She also hitch hicked hundreds of miles to a place wher
only Irish language was spoken. She simply adored all this new experience.
After her first year and very much against her mother's wishes
she went to work in America for the Summer holidays. She borrowed
the fare for the flight from the bank. She had a little money of
her own. Luckily her father gave her some money at the airport behind
her mother's back which meant that she had a room for three night
and the bus fare to Cape Cod. She had no job arranged, but was very
lucky to meet a man who was looking for staff for the Summer.Again,
she was really happy there. She worked as a waitress, chambermaid,
cook and babysitter.
After three years she graduated and went on do a higher diploma
in education. There was much resistance at her position in a Protestant
school for a year. Later she moved to work in another school close
to home. She points out that it was difficult to get a full time
position then in the seventees. Later on, she wished that she had
got a position far away from home. But, as her father was constantly
ill, she liked to be close.
Marriage
Then she met a man, who seemed to care for her a lot. She fell
for his charm and married 2 years later. Portia admits that looking
back, it is easy to see that she really wanted to get away from
her mother, who by now was talking about the fact that Portia could
look after her in later life. She heard the little voice inside
her head saying "no, this guy is too sweet to be wholesome.
" Well, of course the little voice is always right. But Portia
made the mistake of convincing herself that she would change him
for the better.
Well,as she explains now, it is all part of learning and there
is no point in beating herself up anymore about it. She was not
the first and will not be the last to do this in life. She feels
that as long as she has learned, then it was worth it.
She worked extremely hard as usual to build a new house and bring
the farm back from death. In fact, she was more than happy working
up to 20 hours a day sometimes. Sadly, she explains her husband
was lazy beyond words. The more she worked, the more he left it
to her. On a very personal note, she explains that her first experience
of sex was horrific. Of course, now in later life, she has learned
that sex and making love are completely different experiences. Growing
up, Portia learned that sex was dirty, and above all not to be enjoyed.
And, shudder the thought that she might derive pleasure from it.
So, she denied all of it until she learned differently in 2006.
But, she firmly believes that it is better late than never.
She did want to have children and became pregnant after a year.
She was ill all the time,but never complained. Well, in those days
in Ireland women did not dare complain. She explains the thinking
was that women were supposed to suffer in childbirth and just put
up with it. The Catholic hospital was notorious for making the birth
more difficult than it needed to be. Its policy was and is to allow
the mother to die and save the child in the event of any problem.
Anyway, Portia develloped pre-eclampsia and was admitted into
hospital to be induced. Except, she explains that on the day her
husband kept delaying as a cow was about to give birth. To speed
things up, she went out, delivered the calf and then they went to
the hospital. Yes, she says she was very stressed indeed. She spent
the night scared, alone with red lights flashing in her eyes. She
was given an epidural which slowed everything down for hours. It
was late and then suddenly the panic began as the baby was in distress
with the cord tightening around his neck. The lack of reassurance
was very noticeable indeed. After an episiotomy the baby was delivered
safe and well.
Because Portia was so afraid of disturbing anyone, she continued
to suffer for 3 weeks after going home,being unable to stand up
with the pain in her spine. She carried her son in a shawl and crept
on her hands and knees all over the house. Her husband was oblivious
to it all.
Baby Robert was doing well until three months when he was given
the three in one vaccine. Overnight he turned into a crying unsettled
baby, which resulted in almost no sleep for three years. Portia
finally found an allergy specialist who explained that baby Robert
had had a traumatic birth and was allergic to every food except
brown rice, pears, vegetables, and soya milk. He was always ill
before this. He had 15 antibiotics in 12 months and his immunity
was very poor. Portia explains that she does not know how she kept
going, fitting in baby Robert, teaching, house and farm.
At this time many calves died one after the other and imagine
Portia's reaction at discovering that her ex was just throwing the
dead bodies into the river. She was now unable to do all the work
and often she explains how she cried at the sight of cattle all
day stuck in up to two feet of dung. On one occasion, she just ran
down and let them all out onto the fields in the middle of winter.
Every day felt worse and worse. Mostly her ex took his anger out
on the animals, kicking them for simply no reason at all. Not the
example Portia wished for her children. Deep down Portia was a very
gentle peace loving being who just wanted to get on with life and
provide a safe haven for her children to grow and mature in. She
knew what she wanted as she herself had not had that feeling of
safety ever herself. In fact, she explains how she was fifty one
years of age before she felt safe on this planet.
Then finally, one day out of the blue she collapsed in class.
She was taken home and the doctor offered morphine and hospital
for three days. She refused. She was not allowed back to work and
diagnosed with post traumatic stress. By now Portia was totally
isolated. She phoned her mother to come but she refused in case
it was contageous.
But, Portia had a friend who phoned to see how she was. That day,
Portia was so low and passing through the white light and did not
want to return to Earth ... as she put it. She was too tired to
stay. But, she did, only for the sake of Robert. Portia's husband
seemed to not notice or care. He just ambled off to his mother to
be fed and watered. Portia's friend came to visit on and off and
help out as much as possible. Being a male, it was not viewed in
a positive light at all. Worse still, was the fact that he was Buddhist.
Portia continued on as best she could. She had to be helped to
walk again. She was diagnosed with ME.
She says she spent many times under her suicide tree,wishing she
could do something to get her strength back. By now, her husband
had become more lazy. In her heart, she knew she had made a big
mistake in marrying this man.
She was told by doctors that if she wanted any more children she
better have one last one before they perform a hysterectonomy. She
decided to have another child. Her daughter Amanda was born, without
any drugs. Portia did not go for the hysterectonomy ever. She has
since learned that the doctors involved had carried out many unecessary
operations on women like this. Of course the surgeons make big money
out of it. That was 22 years ago and Portia has had no need of this
operation ever since.
Then, Portia's relationship with her mother and husband got much
worse. Her mother was angry that Portia did not appoint the godparents
that she choose. So, on the day of the christening Portia's entire
family shunned this new baby. They refused to hold her. They refused
to eat or drink anything. Naturally, Portia was shocked and deeply
hurt.
Portia's husband announced one fine day that he did not want baby
Amanda anyway and the fact that Amanda was a girl meant she was
useless for the farm. Portia's face and heart drop visably as she
recalls that day.
In those days the idea of seperation was almost unheard of. Women
were supposed to stick it out no matter what and this left Portia
with the feeling of being trapped. Totally trapped. She had given
up work,so was now dependant on money from the farm. Her original
intention on building the new house was to leave teaching after
Robert was born and establish the guest house business that the
house was specially designed for.
However, Portia noticed that her husband was blocking her every
move. He acted like the perfect father when visitors came by. It
is very easy to see the real truth when she looks back now,but at
the time and in turmoil,she was somewhat blind, confused, tired
and in denial. Portia was not a person to make mistakes!!!. She
was ashamed too,because at that time a marriage break up was always
looked upon as the fault of the woman. In fact, women in Ireland
were blamed for almost everything. That was theCatholic teaching
then. Women were looked upon as possessions upon marriage.
There was no divorce either until 1996 and even that is carefully
calculated that most women in their forties and upwards cannot leave
due to financial reasons. So, however things look on paper, the
real truth is that it is almost impossible to divorce unless the
woman has her own money to be able to live apart for four years.
From Bad to Worse
Things went from bad to worse and Portia and the children vere
all unhappy there. Her husband was becoming more aggressive also
towards her,because she left teaching and he had now to actually
do something. He cleared out her bank account without a word. This
was an account that Portia had set up for the children's education.
It was, as if one thing after another was bringing her down daily.
Then, one day she saw her husband kick Amanda in the lower spine
and knocked her to the ground. Another day she arrived home from
shopping to find Robert almost frozen solid in the field pulling
vegetables while her husband was drinking tea, warm , inside.
Bells were finally beginning to ring louder in her head now, and
she knew that she had to get out before it was too late for her
and the children. While people say that the children must come first,
Portia now believes this to be a false belief. The mother must come
first, be in good condition, mentally, physically and emotionally
and then the entire family benefits. But, in general this is not
the way people think. Women were brought up in those days to put
everyone else before themselves,or else they were called selfish
and reminded by others of their place in the Patriarchial system.
Men first, children second, women last.
Portia's friend pointed out to both of them that things would
have to change and that her husband would have to make an effort
to bond with the children. He did not see it that way at all. He
felt that it was the mother's role to do all that plus everything
else because his mother had.
Then one day in front of visitors, he came into the kitchen and
the dinner was not on the table at six as usual. He went out and
came back in with his brother who had a loaded shotgun in his hand
and pointed it at Robert. Robert ran up the hall terrified out of
his mind. A friend asked them to get out and take the gun with them.
This incident has affected Robert ever since. The one positive thing
is that Robert is completely opposed to guns since.
There was another incident where Portia found her husband in a
comprimising position with their daughter. She just could not speak
for three days. She said nothing to anyone. But one day a friend
noted the energy mark on Amanda's body and asked Portia if she was
aware of what was happening and said it out loud. Oh, she was aware,
but this was the confirmation she needed. From that day to this
Amanda was never alone with her biological father.
Portia's ex then began hiding money in jars and burying them in
the fields. She jokes now and thinks that one day she will go back
and start digging!!! She explains that it is this crazy kind of
humour that kept her from going over the edge totally. As Portia
had no where to go if she left, she stayed there, in an almost frozen
state of shock, she recalls.
A Taste of Happiness
Then one day a friend suggested that she go to the Womens Refuge
and seek advice. The lady did not think that a refuge was the best
place for the children unless there was no where else to go. Her
friend, who had a big house said thay the children and herself could
stay there until the seperation came through and she had a house
of her own. Portia assumed that the court would decide to give her
the house at home that she paid most of the mortgage on and that
her husband could return to the home house as there were two houses
on the farm. However as time went on, Portia discovered that legally
the house was part of the farm,and she would be depriving him of
his business if she moved back there.
Portia was quite happy in the other house anyway as it was really
used by her friend for business meetings etc. Her friend travelled
a lot, so it was mainly house sitting. The children attended the
local school which was very small and friendly. Both her children
loved the house, the school, the community atmosphere and having
friends close by.
Portia was advised by her lawyer not to move out of her own home
fully.
So, she went back daily to do all the necessary jobs. Her ex was
becoming more annoyed by the minute and Portia was beginning to
get really scared. He was now banging his knife and fork on the
table while waiting for food. Of course if all of this was happening
now, Portia explains that she would be fine and see it as good ammunition
and record it. However, she was not that strong then and her worry
was always the children. Her other concern was that they were witnessing
all this and would learn the same behaviour from this example and
carry the violence to the next generation or even towards her. Robert
was beginning to demand dinner too. So, she went by her gut feeling
and did not return to her home ever again.
With the children now safely settled in school and free time to
herself, Portia decided to go for full legal advice. Then one day,
out of the blue some very angry woman phoned the school announcing
her involvement in some cult. The only cult that she was in was
the Catholic church, and that was only because she had to be involved
for the children's sake at school. The Catholic schools rarely if
ever take children of other religions, but Protestant schools take
Catholic children. Of course, that is the Republic of Ireland and
not the North which is governed from Britain.
Just before Christmas of 1994, she went to the Womens Refuge again
and a social worker suggested that she seek a barring order and
a maintainance order. She went to court, but the social worker had
not entered the paperwork at all. She spoke with the Judge and he
recommended a judicial seperation. Her social worker failed to turn
up for the next appointment.
Going to Court
So, her next step was to go to a lawyer and get things moving
before Christmas. The lawyer turned up two hours late, which meant
that the consultation was short. Then the day of the court case
came and Portia was pretty confident that it would all be simple.
She had placed her trust in her female lawyer. The strange thing
was that all the male lawyers started laughing at her, because she
turned up late and looked scatter brained. This lawyer then dashed
off across the room to Portia's ex's lawyer, only to return moments
later to announce that everything is taken care off, and that she
had done a deal for Portia. This wheeling and dealing was very common
as it was an easy way for the lawyers not to have to argue their
case in front of the Judge. Well, Portia became very annoyed by
this dealing method. She was curious as to why, when her lawyer
explained that she was very nervous of this particular sarcastic
Judge.
When it was time for the court case to be heard, Portia saw how
scared this lawyer was. Portia explained that the children did not
wish to have any contact with their father at all. But in those
days, no matter what the father had access. Her lawyer had forgotten
to enter the maintainance summons, so that part of the case could
not proceed. Her ex was granted access. Portia knew that she had
to ask the children to go. They refused and Robert became really
distressed. Portia went to the meeting place alone, with two friends
close by, just in case. Her ex explained that he himself did not
want access, but his lawyer told him to ask for it to make him look
good in front of the Judge. He explained that he would not have
a clue what to do with the children anyway, and that she would have
to help him. Needless to say, Portia was thinking,how she was going
to ever be free. Then came the famous last words. . "See, you
can never escape me the law is always on my side. "
Then a welfare officer advised Portia to take out a maintainance
summons herself. He also pointed out how her lawyer was afraid of
the Judge. Portia was not afraid as she had done nothing wrong or
illegal. Then her lawyer called her to say that her ex was saying
that he could not afford any maintainance at all. Eventually he
agreed to a small amount. But Portia had to return to her home house
each week to collect it. The house was like a pig sty and the shotgun
was in full view as she entered the door.
After Christmas she had another meeting with a social worker in
the Refuge, who agreed that there should be no access to the children
on the grounds that their father had no parental interest, was total
negligent and totally irresponsible. Of course this was all new
to Portia and she explains how difficult it was to look after the
children and try to sort out the legal end of things, especially
as everyone was so incompetent.
Housing?
Later on the Welfare officer suggested that she get a house of
her own as the court system is not capable of seeing beyond the
fact that a male friend with a penis as having an affair. Even if
he was twice her age amd a priest. He passed away in 1997. Portia
laughs at how naive she was then compared to now. That kind of thinking
is male thinking. She decided to go for her own house, but the Judge
had to grant a maintainance order to make sure there was proof for
a new landlord. In her heart Portia thought that she would be getting
her own home back that she paid for it anyway. Then the probation
officer kindly offered to guide her through the entire process.
This turned out to be the worst thing that could have happened,
but then everything is crystal clear in hindsight.
Probation Officers, Judges and the Court
A week or so later, Portia went to court and was asked to take
the children as the Judge wished to speak to them in his chambers.
All went very well and the children were not scared at all. The
Judge remarked that the children were extremely articulate and well
mannered. However, this probation officer thought they were unnaturally
so. Well, if he met them today, he would be more surprised. So then
the case was refered to the Probation services for reports, which
this probation officer insisted on somehow. This was quite common
then, despite the fact that these people were not trained in this
kind of work, the Judge accepted their word as gospel and made orders
based on their findings. It may still be the case in some areas.
The lawyer was so afraid of the probation officer that it all
seemed unnatural to Portia. Again, she was very naive, believing
that this is a court that delivers justice to all people. How wrong
she was. !!Of course, she has since discovered that there are thousands
of people like her. But the idea of being told that this Judge just
accepts the word of a probation officer was very unreal to her at
the time . Apparently it still goes on according to reports.
It was as if the Judges are too lazy to be bothered or just do
not care. This particular Judge did say to Portia later on that
he did not care if she walked the streets, she was getting no maintainance
and that was that. Well, she was considered a bold girl for not
going home and obeying her abusive husband. That is what was expected
of women then. In fact many women feel that they cannot get out,
because they do not have finances of their own and that it is primarily
their fault. Portia says that this was the Catholic teaching for
so long and it was passed down from mother to daughter.
But, Portia has now taught her daughter that this is no longer
true and that there is no need to marry anyone.
Then later on Portia was lucky to meet with a recently qualified
female police officer, specially trained for the domestic violence
unit. As Portia was alone in the house, several nights a car would
drive up and one night a shot was fired over the house. But the
police officer explained that this was normal if an ex-husband knew
that she lived alone. She also explained that most violent husbands
make every step a nightmare. They were even helped by their lawyers.
Finally, the day of the first assessment came and Portia felt
very confident as this was her chance to let the truth be known.
As usual there was a mix-up with times and appointment cards being
sent to the wrong address. Luckily Portia phoned to double check
as the appointment had been changed. From the moment Portia entered
the room, it was obvious that this probation officer had already
made up his mind. He was a moody git. He had interviewed her ex
just beforehand. In fact, she remembers very well that he was always
interviewed first and she was told, "it is OK, we have the
whole story from your husband". So, while he got an hour, Portia
got about 10 to 15 minutes.She even remarked to this officer as
to why he made no notes from her side of the story. No, he had all
the information for the court.
Portia was suddenly a member of a cult,a paediphile ring and a
Mafia member. It is laughable now, of course. If she was a member
of any of these organisations, she would have been taken care of
and so would others!!! She was also an alcoholic spending 400 pounds
of her ex's money every week on alcohol. That was laughable as he
only gave 60 pounds per week. But it was documented that way. This
officer had written pages on what her ex had to say, but three lines
from Portia. When she complained the officer became very aggressive
towards her, shouting:"Come back when you have two black eyes!
Do you realise that this is holy Catholic Ireland, and this Department
does not approve of seperation. Go home, my girl and obey your husband.
"
Then becoming red with rage, he terminated the interview, saying
that he was fed up.
Portia went home devastated and wrote a formal letter of complaint
to the officer at this so-called Department of Justice.
Portia had to explain to the children that there were going to
be more assessments and that they had to go and say how they felt
and that it would all be fine as she would protect them. Robert
began fretting and sweating profusely at the thought of his father
being there in the same room too. At this interview the officer
complained to her that she had told the women at the refuge what
he had said about obeying her husband. She was asked and simply
told the truth. Robert refused to see his father calling him a "selfish,
smelly pig. "
Then her ex was brought into the room and Portia calmly asked
him to explain his accusations of her being a Mafia member, a cult
member and a paedophile member, when he knew that was all lies.
He just made his hands in the shape of a gun and pointed them at
her. Luckily the officer saw him and cautioned him. Then the officer
agreed that her ex should have no acccess yet. Also, that he would
not be able to tell the difference between his own children and
two black children. Portia did think that a bit racist. But Irish
people tend to be very racist as they are only used to white Catholics
there.
It was arranged that the next day this officer would call to the
house and see where the children lived and speak with them in their
own environment. Being children, they were excited to show off the
cakes they had made etc. However, the officer never turned up. His
excuse was that he got lost and would call the following day. But
the following day came and went too. Portia also invited the Judge
to come to the house and see for himself.
Portia recalls Robert saying how typical of men that was …
breaking promises all the time.
Then the crazy thing was that this officer delivered a written
report to the court on the childrens welfare and the state of the
house, even though he had never visited at all. The Judge felt that
Portia's male friend had too much influence over the children and
suddenly he was the cult leader. At the time it was not funny at
all. Now it seems totally ridiculous how their minds worked. The
Judge refused to grant her any maintainance as her friend would
spend it. He shouted at her to "walk the streets for all he
cared. "And above all, she was not to tell anyone what he just
said or she would get three months "inside"for contempt
of court.
Portia was totally devestated at this being a court of Justice,
where the truth is spoken, supposedly!!!! No, this was and still
is the secret family law court system. Not even the minister for
Justice is allowed to know what goes on there in his name and in
the name of Justice. Her friend was actually paying for all their
needs and Portia calculated that her friend had contributed £18,000
pounds towards their welfare over the years.
Next on the list were psychiatric reports. The next day Portia
was speaking with the community welfare oficer and he wised her
up to the fact that this Judge does this every day in the hope of
breaking the woman's spirit. If he was successful then the women
would go back home to their husbands rather than lose the children.
This Judge likes the idea of playing Happy Families. Also it saves
court time and keeps the number of seperations down for the benefit
of the Catholic church. So, then the system wins.
Portia now turned her mind to renting a house of her own, but
as the Judge denied any maintainance, no landlord would rent to
her.
The psychiatric assessments were arranged and again Portia was
last in and kept waiting 2 hours, then to be told that the psychiatrist
was over time. It was the same story anyway. The psychiatrist had
heard it all from her ex. But, Portia well remembers this man puffing
cigarette smoke in her face for thirty minutes. She decided inside
not to get angry at all. In her diary for that that day she asks
… if these people are real professionals at all?? She thought
she really ought to see their qualifications on paper.
The pressure of it all was getting to Robert and so Portia thought
it would be wise to take him to the doctor. Not a good idea at all.
Her GP had heard a story and he too did not approve of seperations.
Well, he used to read at mass and was well in with the church too.
Portia never got to understand the so called power of the Church
until recently, when she had time to think and try to work it all
out in her head and try to make some kind of sense of the whole
process. Her GP announced "let Robert have a nervous breakdown
and get it over with". Such a caring doctor. !!!This was the
only time that Portia cried bittter tears during the process.
Four months into the process …
It was now four months into this process and still the system
was doing everything it could to get her and the children back home
and "under control". She was just out of her box and must
be forced back in somehow.
At the next court appearance, Portia's lawyer said she could not
face the Judge that day. So, another lawyer from the firm was sent
instead. Well, it was not long before the Judge was off shouting
again. Shouting about a cult involving business people, physiotherapists,
teachers, bloody Europeans and bloody Japaneese. and Alien Barbarian
Buddhists. Portia had brought a number of people as witnesses. Also
many of her friends were extremely angry at being labelled cult
members, and just wished to put the Judge straight on his accusations.
However, they were not allowed in at all. Her friend from the Italian
embasssy was not amused. The Judge described them as thugs and low-lives.
Then he began roaring out at Mrs Harris. Portia has no idea to this
day who she is. But, the Judge was "losing it".
There were people from various embassies, teachers, business people,
muscians just waiting to be called in to give evidence.
Mostly, they wanted this Judge to withdraw his false accusations
against them. Portia recalls how one of these friends was best friends
with a circuit court Judge. So, he was actually labelling this other
Judge a cult member too. To Portia it just all seemed like a comedy
on television, but it was really happening. She does not know how
she did not crack under the pressure of it all and just go back.
But, she had to protect the children no matter what. There were
lots of other women there at the courthouse too. Most came over
crying their eyes out and saying how unfair it all was and describing
the Judge as a "nutcase". That day all Portia's witnesses
went to their lawyers to get affadavits drawn up stating that they
were not cult members. They also made statements saying how Portia
was an excellent mother and how her ex was so two faced.
To this day, the affadavits were never allowed into court. Then
it was agreed that Portia would move to a house of her own for a
month. Her friends came up with the money. This was to let the court
see that she was not under any influence from anyone. There was
a slight problem,as this house was forty miles away and Portia had
to drive the children every morning and evening. She herself had
to stay near the school, otherwise it would mean driving 160 miles
per day for school.
Portia got the lawyer who represented her that day in court to
write on paper what the Judge had said. "Keep away from the
cult and have nothing to do with the Barbarian Buddhists. "
The Case Conference
A week later came the infamous case conference. This was all new
to Portia. But, she kept going, hoping to clear her reputataion
that was being smeared by the moment. The psychiatrist was adamant
that the incident with the shotgun had never happened. Despite the
fact that there were two witnesses and that Portia's brother in
law came some days later to apologise.
This was a room full of people all on the one side, of course.
Her ex said nothing on legal advice. A health visitor complained
that Amanda did not have her jabs. Of course Portia was advised
by the specialist in Dublin not to give any of her children any
jabs because of the family history. When Portia asked them to phone
the specialist to double check, they refused. Now, Portia was labelled
negligent. When she called the specialist, he had passed away two
weeks previously. Somehow, she never thought to go and get their
medical file back then.
The children's teacher was very annoyed with both departments
for running a smear campaign and said this at the conference. On
her way out, the probation officer screamed at her, with his eyes
bulging in rage, to "go home and obey your husband"
With no break, the psychological asssessment was the following
day. Most of the discussion was based on the previous day's conference.
The senior social worker was asking questions like" did she
go around the house naked"? And if Amanda knew the facts of
life and did she point out to the child that her breasts were bigger
than Amanda's.
Of course Portia was confident as she had absolutely nothing to
hide at all. However, this social worker reprimanded her for being,"too
confident, too strong for a woman and too sure of herself"
Then he followed with the threat that he had big grey buildings
with bars on the windows for children like Robert and Amanda. "
Naturally Portia wondered why children like Robert and Amanda???.
He pointed at her and said "Remember, I have the power to do
anything I like with you. " Portia thinks her interview was
recorded as was the interview with Robert and Amanda. She remarked
that the Judge had the power, but he disagreed and announced that
his Department tells the Judge what to do and he does it. During
her research, Portia has found this to be true in most cases. The
court will take the children rather than make a mistake.
Some days later, Robert went for his assessment. Portia has a
perfectly kept diary with dates and times for everything. Little
did she know then how important that is. Robert came out screaming
and crying, saying how they kept calling him a liar over and over
again.Hopefully the video will be available to all to see one day.
He just wanted to go home and never have to see any of them again.
Even the psychologist was a bully and trying to ask trick questions.
That Night was to show how badly affected Robert was. He could not
sleep. His only question was "why did they not believe me Mum"?
Later on he blanked it all out and refuses to speak about it now.
Amanda was only four and again, they were asking questions about
sex. Portia felt they were obsessed with the three letter word.
She seemed fine,and just drew her pictures. But 12 years later she
still remembers how the social worker kept telling her what to draw
and she refused and drew what she wanted. So, he failed to bully
her. After this experience Robert's trust in people died a quick
death. The following day in school he was shaking all over and his
teacher explained to Portia that he was very distraught during the
day, because he was accused of telling lies.
Portia's friend was also asked to attend for a report. Naturally,
he was very annoyed at the way everyone was being treated by their
condescending attitude.
Then Portia was suddenly accused by the psychologist of being
drunk. She was very angry and asked that the police be called to
check her blood alcohol level. Of course they couldn't do that.
But thet could put it on paper for the Judge and get away with it.
Portia did not touch drink.
At this point Portia decided to get a better lawyer in the city.
He explained that probation officers are not qualified to say whether
someone is brainwashed or not. This lawyer met Robert and agreed
that he was extremely eloquent on every subject but not in any way
brainwashed at all. He pointed out that "The Social Services
does not give a dam about children". They are just bread and
butter for the System. " In the end, he suggested that Portia
have her friend's house totally to herself for a month to show that
there was no cult or brainwashing involved. A private psychological
assessment was also agreed upon. Then social services wanted to
grant her ex supervised access to the children, but would not take
responsibility for the emotional disturbance that this would cause.
By this time Portia had paid out £3,000 pounds. "It is
all a money game", she believes now.
Never-ending meetings
Further meetings with this social worker and psychologist followed.
They just could not grasp the idea that they were upsetting the
children and intimidating Portia. The idea was to break their spirits,
all of them. Then the social worker announced how he had checked
out her friend's character and insurance number etc. His latest
suggestion was for Portia to only mention her ex's good qualities
to the children. So, she asked him to mention these qualities, but
he couldn't think of any either. In fact Portia never mentioned
her ex at all at home. He had never featured in their lives even
before this.
This social worker was obsessed with reminding her over and over
about how he had the Power. He was relentless in this. He then became
angry with Portia as he felt that she knew too much and was reading
too many family law books. She was studying as much as she could,
because there did not seem to be a lawyer to compete with the social
worker. He had even got in touch with the private psychologist for
reasons unknown to Portia. It did seem that they were ahead of her
in everything. But, she was not giving up.
It was then arranged that a group of social workers would call
to the house a few days later. However the senior social worker
wanted to be left alone in the house for 30 minutes. Portia refused
and he promptly announced. "I will remember that in court.
You are supposed to jump when I click my fingers. " Later,
Portia phoned the police to check with them regarding a social worker
asking to be left alone in any house. She had heard stories where
they go to the toilet and plant drugs, so she was very careful.
Then, for whatever reason, he wanted to go with her in the car to
the school. Naturally, she refused and he snarled at her like a
dog. The police said that social workers know better than to ask.
The police felt that Portia was being threatened and intimidated
by this social worker. The other care workers arrived also. It was
not the best of days. Amanda refused to play with the care worker
as she smelled really bad. She had obviouslt slept in her clothes
and had faesces on her shirt, which was not very inviting to a child.
She complained that Amanda would not play with her. Portia felt
like saying "have a shower" but decided against it. The
senior social worker puffed and puffed smoke in Portia's face for
the entire time. Then, he began clicking his fingers and saying"
repeat after me"Portia refused to say "you have the power".
Then he said that he would get his hands on the children one way
or another, even if it meant making her homeless. He would make
sure they got Electric Shock Treatment to normalise the little brats
who refused to obey him. He explained that there were no grounds
to take them really, so he would have to see to it that she was
made homeless.
Portia remained very composed despite everything and said very
coldly and calmly "it will be a cold day in Hell before you
see me homeless". Then he became extremely irate and announced
that he would bring charges of emotional abuse against her, unless
she made up good qualities about her ex and made the children believe
them. She explained that his name was never mentioned on orders
of the court anyway.
Later that week, Portia met a lady who confirmed that her social
worker proposed that if she had sex with him in her car, he would
let her keep the children. Portia notes how lucky she was back then.
These are supposed to be professional people and they know that
they are untouchable, so they abuse their power in any way they
feel like. It still goes on today.
May 1995
In May 1995 Portia saw her mother for the last time. Her mother
believed the social worker that she was having an affair, and could
not understand how Portia could leave her beautiful home and husband.
She believes that they will never meet again ever.
Portia went to Dublin to meet her lawyer, who announced how these
social workers could make her life Hell and that even the law would
be powerless against them. The police phoned to suggest that Portia
press charges against the social workers for intimidation and threats.
They also wondered why there were British social workers (??) considering
the cultures differ enormously.
Yet, another day in court, where the social worker said that while
her friend was not there, he "felt" him. Then came the
best offer of all. Portia was to be allowed to use her own home
from 8 pm to 8 am each day, basically to sleep in with the children.
This same social worker announced pompously that he now had her
"boxed in", and that she had no choice but to return home
and obey her husband. Portia was almost deaf, hearing go home and
obey from all these so called professionals. He did like to hear
himself talk. Next was his elation at having isolated Portia and
the children from everyone. He thought that her friend would demand
his home back and because she had no money, then there was no choice
but to go home. "You are now dependent on me and you WILL do
everything I say. "These were typical of his words and threats.
By now, Portia was immune to his shouting and ranting on and on
like a broken record.
The idea that these people were getting away with it was ridiculous.
That same week a young mother committed suicide after coming out
from Social Services meeting.
Portia then took Amanda to a doctor to check for abuse. The doctor
noted how happy and healthy she was. Portia's lawyer spoke with
Robert for half an hour and was adamant that he was in no way brainwashed.
He noted that "if Robert and Amanda were taken into care, that
it would be the biggest injustice Ireland had ever seen".
A Dilemma
Some days later another female social worker phoned to say that
she had to drag the children by the scruff of the neck to the social
services offices, so that her ex had access. Also, that the Judge
does not care how she got them there as long as her ex had access.
Of course there was the usual threat of prison for non-compliance.
Portia was in a Dilemma. If she dragged them by the neck, she would
be guilty of physical abuse. It all seemed so crazy, as her ex had
stated quite clearly that he did not want access at all. He was
obviously being forced into being a parent for the first time. All
this was fine, but it was at the expense of the children.
Some days later Portia was in court again, and while she was out,
the house was broken into and various papers and documents gone
through. Then things got worse for Robert as he saw his father driving
up and down outside the school and ran in terrified. His teacher
was amazing and reassured him that he was safe inside the walls
of the school.
Then, another day in the drab and dreary courtroom. Portia's lawyer
had explained to her that he had been in contact with her ex's lawyer
and were going to ask for an adjournment because the private psychological
assessment had not taken place. However,her ex's lawyer went in
to see the Judge before the case and suddenly the Judge now wanted
the case to proceed. Just wonderful, Portia thought and the cold
reality hit home that her lawyer had not prepared anything in the
belief that the case would be adjourned. He stood up there like
a fish out of water, unable to even compose one thought for a while.
The social worker had informed the court that Portia and the children
had no permenant place to live and so were proceeding to take the
children into care.
Portia soon realized that everything had been carefully planned
in advance here. Everyone knew the plan except Portia and her lawyer.
The probation officer sneered at her and remarked how stupid her
"hot shot city lawyer" was.
Then she was forced to agree to family therapy where social workers
were going to re-shape this family according to the book. In other
words according to the system. The Judge agreed that social services
would be responsible for the children and any traumas created. Now,
of course Portia was getting wise at this point and calmly asked
for this to be put in writing. No matter how many times she asked,
the social worker refused to put the agreement in writing.
Of course Portia's lawyer apologised and remarked that this part
of Ireland was like a "police state". He had never been
double crossed by one of his own before. But the country lawyers
would cut your throat and not even blink.
Now, the senior social worker believed that he had Portia in his
grip finally and left a note saying how traumatic the previous day
must have been and that she was bound to be depressed. Portia thought
to herself "depressed". No, she did not have time to be
depressed just then and even if she was, she would not give that
dictator the satisfaction of admitting to it. Portia then had to
go to the clerk of the court to get a copy of the recommendations
made by social services.
Getting stronger
By this time Portia was learning more and becoming stronger. On
her next visit she told the senior social worker that she was not
going to sit in any room with him alone on the advice of the police.
Then his anger turned to rage. The idea that Portia had gone to
the police and had learned her rights made him into a roaring bull.
Then he could not resist sneering at her, and telling her that behind
her back her ex had got a court order making sure that she did not
leave the country with them. Even Portia's lawyer knew nothing about
it. This social worker then announced that it would take about three
years of family therapy to sort things out. This was a big change,
considering that he told the Judge it would take about four or five
months. At this point and the obvious lack of professionalism present,
Portia asked to see his qualifications. He refused point blank.
Then he resumed his scare tactics by asking"what will happen
to the children in my care home?" Portia thought carefully
for a while, and told him "they will die. Robert will run away
and Amanda will refuse to eat or drink" At this point Portia
knew that things were serious. That it was really just about power.
This social worker was never going to admit that he had made a mistake
and back down. The children were just pawns in a game of chess for
him. If he could succeed in frightening Portia so much that she
would agree to everything he said, then he had won. Portia was and
still is one who believes in truth and justice.
Some days later she brought the children for family therapy. Robert
was asked to go into a room and refused saying to this senior social
worker. "I do not trust you anymore. You never believed me
when I told you the truth. I am going no where with you" Robert's
voice began to rise with each word. So, the social worker said.
"Oh, do not say that in public Robert". Then with a very
red face, he advised us all to go home.
Portia's friends in Holland wanted to take her and the children
for a holiday there for two weeks away from the stress. Without
even going to court, she knew the outcome would be no. But, she
went anyway to ask. The answer was no on the grounds that everyone
over there were members of the cult. There was so much talk about
a cult that still baffles Portia to this day. Even the Catholic
church is a cult and no one says anything about that.
Portia was asked to phone this social worker again and she did.
Of course he denied it. Luckily Portia had proof from the phone
bill. She said nothing, just kept all her evidence safe for the
next big day in court.
Then, she sent a letter to her ex, stating that they were ready
to begin therapy, but stating that telling lies, like he had been
doing was very bad example for the children. She also sent a letter
to her mother, who was also apparently going to be dragged into
the family therapy. In it she asked her mother to honour her father's
will. She decided it was best to send copies to the Judge himself.
At the next and final court appearance, Portia decided to represent
herself. She told the Judge that she intended that this time she
could and would speak herself and then he would know the truth.
Of course he asked why she was not complying with therapy by not
contacting the social worker. This time she had her evidence and
put it in front of the Judges nose. He asked the social woker to
explain. But, the lawyer for the social workers jumped up and said
"no comment". Portia had never done anything like this
before. But she was determined for the whole truth to reach the
Judges ears once and for all. She told him that she was not a memeber
of any cult, and if she was no one had ever put a name on it or
where it operated from or even produced one single fact of proof.
She then pointed out that according to the social worker, even he-
the Judge did not have the power.
That the social workers tell him what to do also. Well, that took
the grin off everyone's face as the room fell into an eerie silence.
Portia continued how this social worker was going to lock the children
up and arrange Electric Shock Treatment for them. Then, suddenly
everyone was awake again. The Judge looked totally baffled. So,
Portia continued to tell him, now that she finally had his attention,
that the police had advised her to issue proceedings against the
social worker over threatening and intimidating behaviour.
The Judge was very confused now, as he had no idea what was happening
and asked for the whole truth. However he pointed out that the letters
to her ex and her mother were not concilliatory enough. Portia was
so focused, but for the moment she did not understand the word conciliatory
and she asked for an exact explanation. Being the Judge that he
was he started laughing at her lack of vocabulary. Well, Portia
explained that English was not her first language and she wanted
to be sure of his interpretation of this word. Of course she knew
what it meant, but she just was not able to put another word on
it. She is still surprised at herself that she got through it perfectly
and said what needed to be said for months. Then the social services'
lawyer asked that Portia hand the children over to her mother until
the next court appearance.
At the very thought of the idea, Portia began to panic. She was
thinking of the childhood she had there and would not dare to even
consider the prospect of it at all. After that she just wanted to
go home and cry with relief. Outside the court, the lawyer for the
social services began bullying her to hand the children over to
her mother, who would get money every week to look after them. For
Portia, she might as well have sent them to Hell.
Portia looks back now, and realizes that the entire case had nothing
to do with the interests of the children or herself. It was all
to do with the father and the patriarchial system having control.
That night in 1995 Portia knew that she had to take the children
somewhere safe. She would educate them herself. She would make sure
the cycle of violence was broken in her family at least. She would
not abuse her children physically, emotionally and psychologically
as her mother had done to her. A policeman explained that social
services would never stop hounding her until they broke her spirit.
If they did take the children, their lives would be ruined and it
would be unlikely that she would get them back for at least five
years. By which time their spirits would also be broken too.
The entire system was aimed against her from the start, but she
was a fool then, starting out on a long journey. This journey however
led her to find her true self in the end. It is almost Christmas
2006 and Portia is still out there. No, she is not homeless. In
fact she is not bitter at all. She would like to thank all of these
people for helping to make her into a much stronger person. Much,
much stronger indeed. !!!!
Portia left without even a toothbrush one very cold night. She
was driven to taking this drastic action in order to keep her children
safe from these predators. She is extremely proud of her children
and herself too. She explains that she always knew that they as
a family would make it.
The last 11 years have had its ups and downs too. The entire story
is more like what you see in a movie. Well, it is just a living
movie with all the experiences being and feeling real. Portia has
moved house 128 times now, but the children are old enough, safe
and free from violence. All of this was without a penny from the
System too.
Portia lost the battle but won the war.
~ Portia
Back
to Personal Stories |
