Kiara's Story
I was married to my abuser for 5 years. We had dated and eventually
became engaged over a three year period. During this period he had
been charming and sweet, rarely showing any signs of abuse. But
as I look back now, I realize there were signs, I just didn't want
to see them. He was often manipulative and would say/do whatever
it took to get his way and sometimes became easily angered. This
bothered me, but I just brushed it off, and always let him have
his way. It was easier that way. As we drew closer to the wedding
date, I started getting warnings from friends (mostly his friends)
and family, specifically his mother, who warned me that he had a
"bad temper" and could say horrible things when he was
angry. I just brushed this aside as normal child/parent stuff. Friends
would warn me that they didn't think I was supposed to marry him
because they had a bad feeling he would be abusive, or just sensed
something wasn't right. Hindsight is 20/20, but I didn't listen
and we were married.
Literally minutes after the wedding I saw something change in him,
almost like a dark cloud had come over him. I felt an awful fear
when I looked at him, but thought it was just wedding jitters. From
that point on, he was different. Our whole honeymoon he was in a
bad mood and very short-tempered. When we returned and were packing
to move to a new state, he became enraged over something and started
screaming obscenities, throwing things at me, and saying he wished
he had never married me. This was after 6 days of marriage, and
it was just the beginning. From that point on he was this strange
new man, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, incredibly sweet one moment, and
explosive the next. I never knew what would set him off, and walked
on eggshells constantly. He was extremely verbally abusive, manipulative,
and played head games, often making me feel crazy. He became physically
violent after a few weeks, throwing things, shoving me, and trying
to throw me out of the house in my underwear. At one point he even
pulled a knife on me. But I continued to stay, always praying, always
hoping that he would change back into the man I had known before
we were married. I thought, he hasn't hit me, so it's not that bad,
I can stay.
For years during our marriage I went to counseling off and on
and begged him to come with me, but he wouldn't. He said the problems
in our marriage were because of me, that he didn't have a problem.
That he got angry because of what I did or how I was; if I would
just be better, than he wouldn't have to get angry. So I fixed his
favorite gourmet meals, cleaned the house, said the right things
and tried to change myself, thinking he would stop being angry.
But he always found something else to be angry about. I also spoke
with people in the church about what was going on and the response
was always to pray about it and try to be more "submissive".
During this time I slipped further and further into depression,
often feeling suicidal, and also shared this with people in the
church. Again, they just prayed, and said God would work it out.
This was another area where he was abusive, spiritually, often saying
'Why would God answer you? Look at you! You're so horrible, God
wouldn't talk to you. You're in sin and God won't bless you. He
blesses and uses me all the time.' For some time this destroyed
my faith and relationship with God to the point where I stopped
praying or trying. I started to believe that God saw me this way
and that I must deserve his (my husband) abuse since I'm a "bad
person".
Our entire marriage was like this, the vicious cycle continuing
and my depression deepening. On my 25th birthday and after 4 years
of marriage, I suddenly looked at my life and thought 'This is ridiculous!
I'm 25 and young and wish my life would end every day. I live in
fear constantly. This has to be abuse! There has to be a way out!'
It took most of that year, the anger fueling me more and more to
plan how to overcome this and possibly leave. I knew he couldn't
be "fixed". So I began to tell him 'Either we go to marriage
counseling, or we get a divorce.' He would say yes to placate me,
then say no when he realized I was serious and setting up appointments
to go. This went on for months, and his anger was escalating as
well. His tirades grew louder and meaner, his control tightened
on everything even more. Finances, relationships, etc. I wasn't
allowed to go to college because he had to "take care of his
dreams" first. I'd get to go one day when he decided we had
the money, which meant never. And through this I planned how I could
leave without jeopardizing my friends or relatives and without losing
everything I'd worked so hard for (I made more money than he did).
The answer came unexpectedly, I believe at God's hand.
He came home again in one of his explosive, violent moods, upset
that I wanted to go to marriage counseling. There was something
different this night though; I felt it. He became physically violent
and I tried to leave but he trapped me in the house. I called the
police to get him to back off and when he did I hung up. I didn't
know that it had gone through and they had traced the call. 15 minutes
later they were at the door, taking our statements. After seeing
a bruise on my hand and damage to walls and other things in the
house, he was arrested. Through this process they enforced a No
Contact Order, which kept him away from me and barred him from the
house. I know now that this was the best possible way this could
have happened. He would never have allowed me to leave and would
have harmed anyone who had tried to help me. I had never considered
going to shelter-I hadn't thought my situation was bad enough to
warrant it. I had never realized that it was domestic violence,
even if he never hit me.
I have filed for divorce since, and have been amazed by the responses
I've received from many people within the church. I believe in God
and know that He kept me through this and directed how this happened
(the arrest)-He doesn't want anyone in an abusive relationship.
I know this now, and it has helped me to walk through responses
from church members where my husband started attending. They have
called to criticize me for not giving him another chance, for not
having enough faith in God to work out our marriage, and saying
that God hates divorce. I have had to learn to shut my ears to what
they say-they have no idea what it's like to live through an abusive
relationship. To live each day wishing to die, feeling there is
no hope for your life and you are trapped. To be told that you are
worthless, nothing, and deserve the abuse you received from your
childhood. Their lives have not been threatened by the person who
is suppose to love and cherish them. They have not spent every moment
in fear and dread.
I am free now. He has begged, pleaded, and threatened, wanting
me to take him back, but I can no longer hear him. I have closed
my ears and my heart to him. I am beginning to remember who I am,
and realize that the things he said about me weren't true. I'm not
stupid, lazy, or worthless. I have something to offer, and I can
make it on my own. I have my whole life ahead of me and can't wait
to live life! I also have a long, hard road ahead of me, I know,
but it is nothing in comparison to the hell I lived through for
5 years. I have found freedom!
~Kiara
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