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Hidden Hurt Update, January 2014 No. 2
January 31, 2015

Hidden Hurt Update February 2015

A quick 'hello' from Hidden Hurt with various updates to the website, new pages and stories and a couple of projects you may be interested in.

New Pages on Hidden Hurt

In the meantime, here are a few New Pages which have been uploaded to Hidden Hurt to share with you. These were originally on the US site, but since the site appears to be down, we are reproducing them for you here:

Nola's Domestic Violence Story

Nola's domestic violence story shows just why abuse victims stay in abusive relationships, or why, having managed to leave once, they can find themselves back together with their abuser again ... hoping this time it will be okay even though the warning signs are still there:

Why Abuse Victims Go Back

Two of the most frequently asked questions about domestic violence are "Why abuse victims go back to their abusers?" and "Why domestic abuse victims stay in abusive and sometimes violent relationships?".

As a survivor of domestic violence, and someone who stayed for over seven years, I'll do my best to answer why abuse victims go back abusive relationships, often several times.

I'm not a psychologist, counselor or therapist; so don't be misled to think I am. But, I've been there and lived it. I was one of the abuse victims who went back, time and again. My explanation is from the voice of experience, and from listening to other victims/survivors, and exchanging thoughts with them. My intent is to answer the question "why" and at the same time, tell you "why it doesn't work" from first-hand experience.

This article is one of Kim's from the former Rhiannon3 website.

Recovering from Abuse - Shifting Perspective (Adapted from the book Bullied by Neville Evans)

Recovering from abuse, where we have be bullied or harassed can cause us a great deal of distress. Sometimes stress and worry can spiral out of control and we can add to that feeling of despair. On top of the problems experienced while being abused and bullied, we can create our own personal problems while trying to recover from abuse and walk around with a permanent grey cloud.

And a little bit about Neville:

Neville Evans is a serving police officer in the UK police service. Neville has written three self published books that are the result of ten years of policing experience. Neville says "Policing by its very nature exposes police officers to a large number of situations. Within this experience police officers meet many different people who are experiencing social problems such as domestic violence, hate crime, bullying and street violence. I wrote my first two books to try and address these issues. The books have been written from a needs perspective. When a person is living in a chaotic situation, their thinking patterns narrow. This narrowing stops them from seeing opportunities for safety, protection, legal remedies and emotional support. My job is to help you see that there are real opportunities that can be used to help and support you."

Valerie's Physical Abuse Story

Having known him since childhood, Valerie was thoroughly shocked when her boyfriend started being mean during her first pregnancy. This is her physical abuse story:

Lisa's Story of Emotional and Physical Abuse leading to Self-Harm

Lisa's Story of emotional and physical abuse leading to self-harm starts with a man who forged his own background to emotionally manipulate her into helping him - to her initial detrement, but finally realising this was not "her Fault"..

Thinking about Leaving an abusive relationship? (Another article from the former Rhiannon3, though modified slightly.)

You often start thinking about leaving an abusive relationship once you have realised that the home situation is simply untenable. In some situations, eg where you still live apart and don't have joint children, this may not seem too physically impossible, despite the emotional hurdles to be faced. But where your life is very much intertwined (joint house/mortgage, joint bank accounts and debts, joint children, etc) even thinking about leaving can be daunting.

Even if you feel that at this stage the abuse is still managable, it is still a good idea to start thinking about leaving and be prepared in case the situation suddenly escalates. The following suggestions are from survivors of abusive relationships who have left their abuser and now live safely. ...

Some Changes to Hidden Hurt

For your information:

There are a couple of new features on Hidden Hurt

1) Every page SHOULD have a Facebook Share button at the bottom of the page, so that you can quickly and easily share the page on a Facebook page, be it your own or a group one.

2) Every page SHOULD also have a DONATE button, so that visitors can help support Hidden Hurt financially. So far, Hidden Hurt has been financed largely from my own pocket, occasional small commissions from selling books on Amazon, and some kindly donations from people who have known me personally and have felt able to contribute. But the cost of keeping the website going is getting higher, and the time needed to keep it running properly is also increasing. I have therefore included a donate button on all pages. If you feel that Hidden Hurt has helped you or a client in the past or is doing a good job and deserves some support, then please do make a small (or if you feel so inclined!) a larger donation. If every visitor were to donate £1 it for a year, it would be enough to set up a proper office and employ staff to increase the output, but just 300 people donating £5 would be enough to keep Hidden Hurt online for another year and enable us to update our rather old and decrepid computers!

3) Not really a new feature, but to do with Links. If you come across a link that is not working, or goes to the wrong page, please let me know - you can either email me at or you can leave a message below. And a Big Thank You to all who have already sent me emails to let me know about links which are not working properly!

Some Hidden Hurt Content now available as Kindle e-books!

Early days yet, but we have actually managed to put some of the Poetry into e-book format for Kindle and they are available via Amazon. The next project (already in the making) is a compilation of some of the personal stories. And more are planned.

To download the Hidden Hurt e-books please either follow a link from the website to the appropriate Amazon Store for you, or go to Amazon and search for "Hidden Hurt Survivor Poetry" in the Kindle shop. We have priced these as low as is reasonable to ensure that cost is not a prohibitive factor. Another reason we are working on creating e-book versions of parts of Hidden Hurt is that it can be easier for a current victim to be reading these one a Kindle or other device without the abuser coming across them.

Messages to be passed on to you from other organisations:


Four agencies have commissioned A Two Part National Consultation on Stalking to seek views of Statutory Agencies & support services about current service provision, to raise public awareness and understanding of Stalking.

There are two questionnaires:

1. Agency and Support Services questionnaire which is being sent out direct via email. Any organisation can request to receive a copy of this via our website or by email:

2. Public questionnaire which can be completed online on our website

We would like to ask just two things of you:

1. That you would send this questionnaire to all your staff and ask them to complete it and return it to us at email:

2. That you would ask all your service users to visit and complete as many questions on the public questionnaire as they feel able to or relevant.

Statutory Agency and Support Services Questions:

Not all questions will be relevant to all agencies. Please choose the ones that are relevant to your agency or service. We understand how busy you are and have made the 17 questions as quick and easy to complete as we can. If your answer is YES, just delete the NO, and vice versa.

If you find the scope for answers limited by the questionnaire – PLEASE write down your ideas and send them to us by email to:

And Finally ...

As usual VERY BIG thank you for sending those personal stories in, please keep them coming. Reading about the experiences and feelings of other survivors helps tremendously in realising that we are not alone, that there is a way of escaping the abuse and that there is the possibility of recovery and a happier life in the future. If you have a story to tell or would like to share a poem or other thoughts, please send it to

A quick reminder. If you send me an email, I will only reply if it states within the email that it is safe to do so or if it is obvious from the content that you are no longer at risk of abuse. I am also not qualified to give legal advice or counselling - if you need specific advice on housing or professional help, please contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0800 2000 247 (UK). For general support and to simply talk about and discuss your situation, remember that we also run a joint UK/US message forum which is very active and superbly supportive (you can find the link to the forum on the left-hand side of all the pages on Hidden Hurt).

All the best,


A little bit of Recommended Reading:

In this supportive and straightforward guide, Lundy Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?) and JAC Patrissi offer a way for women to practically take stock of their relationships and move forward with or without their partners. Women involved in chronically frustrating or unfulfilling relationships will learn to: · Tell the difference between a healthy-yet-difficult relationship and one that is really not working · Recognise the signs that their partner has a serious problem · Stop waiting to see what happens and make their own growth the top priority · Prepare for life without their partner even as they keep trying to make the relationship work:

To order in the US: Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved

To order in the UK: Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Sorting Out Whether Your Relationship Can-and Should-Be Saved

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