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Hidden Hurt Update, March 2012
January 12, 2014
Hidden Hurt Update January 2014
Another busy month and I am slowly catching up on some of the articles, stories and poems sent in, but there are plenty more just waiting for inclusion.
New Message Forum
Sadly, with the demise of the US domestic violence site Rhiannon3, our jointly hosted message forum has also gone, since it was hosted on the US server. We have therefore had to create a new message forum and hope that most of our regular posters (over the last 10 years) will be able to find their way back to it. The new forum is accessible either by logging on to Hidden Hurt and then clicking through to the Message Forum, or directly by going to http://hiddenhurt.freeforums.net/ . The good news is that the message forum is going well and strong and while we are still missing some of the familiar faces, many of our previous posters have found their way back 'home' for which we are truly grateful!
New Pages on Hidden Hurt
In the meantime, here are a few New Pages which have been uploaded to Hidden Hurt to share with you. These were originally on the US site Rhiannon3.net, but since the site appears to be down, we are reproducing them for you here:
No Contact after Leaving Absue
No Contact After Leaving Abuse is the act of cutting off all communication from an abusive person in order to reclaim your life and become a survivor of abuse in the most permanent way. Cutting off all communication means exactly what it says - no conversations, no email, no phone calls, no text messages, no notes, no messages passed via common friends, family or other third parties. In effect, you render the abusive person's tactics useless - an act which ultimately sets you free. The following ways of keeping to No Contact After Leaving abuse have been collected from various members of our long-term message board. These are tactics they have found to work!
(Since the whole article was basically put together by contributions from this (and previous) board members, I have included a form at the base of the page for us to continue adding thoughts and experiences along the same theme. )
Should Abuse Victims Stay or Leave?
In itself it raises quite a profound questions. Sometimes it feels to me that the only solution to living in an abusive relationship is to end the relationship and get out, and while we do everything we can here to help people realise that the situation they are in in not tenable, maybe there are situations out there where for whatever reason, he relationship -abusive though it my be - is the best situation for that person at that moment in time? What is our advice and what help can we offer to those who DO stay? This article is one of Kim's from Rhiannon3.
New Personal Stories:
Children Witnessing Abuse : Daisy's Story - Daisy and her siblings were children witnessing abuse on their mother by their step-father. An effect of children witnessing domestic abuse was that her brother then committed further sexually inappropriate behaviour towards both his sisters, including Daisy. This is her story: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/daisy_children_witnessing_abuse.html
What is Normal? - "What’s normal? My daughter eats smash, gravy, and cabbage for breakfast. Is that weird? No, she does it all the time, we’ve become used to it, and it’s part of our routine. If you live long enough with the abnormal, it becomes normal. ..." read more ... (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/what_is_normal.html)
Ruth's Domestic Abuse Story - In Ruth's domestic abuse story, her abuser targeted her due to having recently been widowed. Over time, alcohol and drug fueled rape and battering because more frequent, until Ruth could stand it no longer. Read More ... (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/ruth_domestic_abuse_story.html)
Isabelle's Verbal and Physical Abuse - After rekindling a childhood romance, Isabelle' long dream turned into a verbal and physical abuse story. Initially she thought his presence would help, eventually he became not only abusive toward her and her children, but also threatened her ex-husband. A final violent outburst in front of the children was the final straw. Read more ... (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/isabelle_verbal_and_physical_abuse_story.html)
Giulia's Physical Violence Story - This physical violence story started with simple jealousy and slight emotional abuse, but soon escalated into a serious abusive relationship, which Giulia had to escape. This is her physical abuse story: read more ... (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/giulia_physical_violence_story.html)
Not a 'new' story as such, but Emma sent me an updated version of her story - after 7 years! It is so lovely to hear back from people years later and find out what has happened to them in the meantime :) And Emma has really used her experiences to make positive changes, not only in her life, but in the lives of many, many others.
Book Recommendation of the Month:
THE JERK RADAR
Written by our very own Steve from the Hidden Hurt Forum Board!
Have you ever gone out with someone who seemed perfect at first, but ended
up being a nightmare? Do you find yourself falling in love but ending up feeling
disrespected and used? Would you like to make sure that something like that
never happens to you (or someone you care about) again? If so, this book is
written for you. There are lots of books about how to tell if you're in an
abusive relationship. This is book will keep you from getting into one in
the first place. Jerk Radar will help you see how a Jerk takes advantage of
common cultural expectations and romantic myths to blind you to his true intentions.
It will give you concrete ways to test out his intentions in the course of
a normal conversation. And the Jerk Radar Quiz provides an effective tool
to screen every partner for Jerky tendencies well before obviously selfish
behavior emerges. Full of true stories from abuse survivors, Jerk Radar pulls
no punches in exposing what Jerks do and why we fall for it. This is a useful,
down-to-earth, practical guide to avoiding a bad relationship instead of recovering
from one. Read it today - it just may change your life!
To order in the US: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts
To order in the UK: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts
Steve McCrea, MS, has worked for over 20 years with survivors of domestic abuse and their children. He has participated in many local collaboartive projects on domestic abuse, and has provided community trainings on working effectively with domestic abuse survivors. He currently works as an advocate for children in the foster care system. He has volunteered for the past 9 years as facilitator for an on-line abuse survivor community, whose members contributed most of the stories in the book.
Messages to be passed on to you from other organisations:
And Finally ...
As usual VERY BIG thank you for sending those personal stories in, please keep them coming. Reading about the experiences and feelings of other survivors helps tremendously in realising that we are not alone, that there is a way of escaping the abuse and that there is the possibility of recovery and a happier life in the future. If you have a story to tell or would like to share a poem or other thoughts, please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
A quick reminder. If you send me an email, I will only reply if it states within the email that it is safe to do so or if it is obvious from the content that you are no longer at risk of abuse. I am also not qualified to give legal advice or counselling - if you need specific advice on housing or professional help, please contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0800 2000 247 (UK). For general support and to simply talk about and discuss your situation, remember that we also run a joint UK/US message forum which is very active and superbly supportive (you can find the link to the forum on the left-hand side of all the pages on Hidden Hurt).
All the best,
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