Children and Domestic Abuse
PLEASE NOTE: Hidden Hurt
does not discuss all forms of child abuse or even child abuse in
general, but only those specifically associated with Domestic Violence.
Children are often described as the 'forgotten victims'
of Domestic Abuse. Children are affected not only by directly witnessing
abuse, but also by living in an environment where their mother -
usually the main caregiver - is being repeatedly victimised. Children
in a home where the mother is being abused are also at greater risk
of being abused themselves, or being used to control their mother.
Due to his own lack of self-worth the abusive partner feels the
need to control all those to whom he considers himself superior.
In a family, this includes the children.
Use the links below to view specific topics, or simply scroll down.
Witnessing Abuse
Children witness violence in the home in a number of different
ways. They may see or hear the abusive episode, be
used or even involved in the violence (eg the child
may be in his mother's arms when she is hit), will experience
the aftermath, and sense the tension in the build-up
to the abuse. Even when the parents believe the children were unaware
of what was happening, the children can often give detailed accounts
of the events. As well as the physical violence often found in abusive
relationships, the children will almost certainly be subjected to
frequent emotional
abuse of the mother in the form of name-calling, accusations
and threats made by the abuser in their presence. As mentioned above,
where the wife/partner is being abused, the children are also likely
to be abused themselves. This is most true of emotional abuse, where
the children's own self-esteem is battered by being shouted at,
told they are stupid or are not trying hard enough, or given mixed
messages by being favoured one moment and put-down the next. Quite
apart from possible physical involvement or direct abuse, these
emotionally damaging actions have a detremental and often long-lasting
effect on the children.
"People throw around statistics saying that up to
70 or 80% of children of batterers are also abused. That statistic
is wrong. EVERY child who witnesses abuse is a victim of abuse.
As an abused child, and then as an adult trying to recover, I
was far more affected by witnessing the abuse of my mother than
I was by the abuse directed toward me." (Carlita)
"One of my parents argues with the other and physically
and emotionally abuses them. That parent then often, though not
always, turns on us children, and abuses us too. Apart from this
abuse we do *love* the parent, but we do not *like* them. We do
not know where to go, or what would happen if we reported it,
so we haven't, though this has been going on for as long as I
can remember and for the whole of their marriage." (17 year-old
girl)
The Effect of Witnessing Abuse
Many children who witness the abuse of their mothers demonstrate
significant behavioural and/or emotional problems including psychosomatic
disorders, stuttering, anxiety and fears, sleep disruption, excessive
crying and problems at school.
How your child or children will be affected depends on the individual
child, their age and gender, how much they witness and whether or
not they are personally involved in the abuse, their personality
and support available to them. Although research in this field is
still largely lacking, it is generally agreed that Domestic Violence
or Abuse is highly relevant to the child's present and future well-being,
and that there is a significant overlap with child abuse.
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In brief,children may experience any of the
following problems:
- Emotional Problems: crying, anxiety and sadness,
confusion, anger (which can be directed toward either parent
or other children, etc), depression, suicidal behaviour,
nightmares, fears and phobias. In younger children and babies
eating and sleeping disorders are common. Children can also
suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
- Behavioural Problems: aggression, becoming troublesome
at home or at school, withdrawing into or isolating themselves,
regressive behaviour (such as baby-talk, wanting bottles
or dummies, etc), lower academic achievements.
- Physical Problems: bed-wetting, nervous ticks,
headaches or stomach aches, nausea or vomiting, eating disorders,
insomnia.
Older children will often hold themselves responsible for
the abuse, especially where exteme violence has been an issue.
Children living in an abusive environment may also condone
violence or the threat of violence to resolve conflict in
relationships.
It has to be remembered that even in situations where the
child is either not targeted directly with abuse or is 'only'
witnessing abuse, it can lead to very serious psychological
trauma with possible long-term effects, affecting not only
the child's well-being during or shortly after the abuse,
but affecting the child's ability to build and maintain healthy
relationships in his/her adult life.
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A
Childhood Lost
I am the eldest one of
three
I have two brothers younger than me
When we were growing up our lives were sad
Living at home with our mum and dad
We had no money and very
little food
He spent it on drink and came home in a mood
The teachers at my school said how well I did
They must have known the secrets I hid
How may pairs of glasses
can one woman break?
The bruises, the marks, the lives at stake
That's why we slept out on the streets at night
For me it was safer, so we used to take flight
Away from the man supposed
to protect
Out into the darkness, did anyone suspect?
For if we stayed I knew what it would mean
A beating for mum would be heard or seen
I envied my friends, they
had happy lives
With dads who actually loved their wives
I am now older with kids of my own
My dad's 56 and now lives alone
He lost his kids, his
home and his wife
He's dying of cancer, now he's losing his life
He’s no longer scary,
he's no longer bad
He's a Grandad who's dying, but he's still my dad.
~ T.
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At the top of the stairs
The young boys sat sobbing
At the top of the stairs
Trying not to make a sound
Hearing the drunken bully
Shouting his abuses
Knowing that justice won't be found
Torn over what to do they
just sat
At the top of the stairs
Awoken from their dreams
For what seemed like ages
They had laid quite still
Hoping the sounds were not what they seem
The familiar sounds of
crying met them
At the top of the stairs
When the finally ventured out
Courage taking them down
Only a few steps
Before finally wimping out
For many times they had
sat
At the top of the stairs
Wishing they were bigger and older
Wanting to run downstairs
And pull the bastard off
But knowing they'd need to be much bolder
The guilty fearful boys
that sat
At the top of the stairs
Heard the pleas for an end
'Til one day their brave Mother
Decided her bruises
For the last time she would mend
The boys now grown men
Dearly love their Mother
Who for them unconditionally cares
Since the day of their Mothers independence
They vowed never ever again to just sit
At the top of the stairs
~ written by the son of
a DV survivor
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Positive Parenting
Many parents whose children have been affected by living
in a home where domestic abuse has been an issue are concerned
about how it will affect the children as they grow up. They
may be worried that they will either become aggressive themselves,
copying the violent and/or abusive parent, or that they will
consider this sort of behaviour normal and get involved in
an abusive relationship themselves. Further concerns may include
the possibility of turning to drink or drugs to cope with
the feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy which are often
legacies of either being or witnessing abuse. Removing oneself
and the child from the abusive environment and providing a
more stable home can help, and most Refuges offer care workers
trained to help children cope with the trauma and effects
of abuse. However, parents themselves have the greatest influence
over the child, and learning and implementing positive parenting
techniques will be the greatest help available to the child.
Women's Health West - an Australian organisation - provide
Positive Parenting Kits specifically designed to provide families
and supporting health professionals with information, advice
and tips to help children come to terms with the domestic
violence. There are 10 different kits designed for different
age groups, from babies through to teens, which can be downloaded
from the website: Positive
Paths Parenting Kits.
One of the most important things we can do to help our children
with the issues they face or may face in the future is to
ensure we have worked through our own issues and are able
to relate to them in a healthy manner. Looking after ourselves
and our own recovery can and will only benefit our children
too.
Please also check out the article on PTSD
in Children and Adolescents.
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Some Personal Stories
For some Personal Stories written by those who
have witnessed Domestic Abuse as children, please read the following:
Carla's
Story - a really touching story of Carla as a child witnessing
and being implicated in her stepfather's abuse. For all those that
think the kids aren't affected ... read this!
J.'s
Story - written by a very brave 13-year
old who is just starting on the road to healing following a childhood
of witnessing the abuse of her mother and brothers and suffering
violence at the hands of her father herself.
Poll: Have your children witnessed or suffered abuse too?
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