Marital Rape
Rape is Rape.
Rape is rape, regardless of the relationship between the rapist
and the victim. It can be a total stranger; someone you recognise
by sight, but have never really communicated with; someone you know
superficially, a neighbour or a colleague; a friend, a boy-friend
or a former boyfriend; a live-in partner, or a former partner; someone
you are married to or have been married to in the past.
Rape is a very personal and intimate traumatic experience. Our
experiences of and reactions to rape may differ widely, and although
there are many similarities in the way that we feel about being
the victim of rape, regardless of the relationship between us and
the rapist, there are differences between stranger and intimate
rape, and in this section I am trying to describe and offer an understanding
of some of the specific problems regarding marital rape (or rape
by an intimate) as opposed to stranger rape.
Please note that in this page I refer to wives and husbands,
however, it can be understood to refer to all rapes perpetrated
by an intimate. Also, I am only looking at rape and sexual assault
on women, since this is by far the most common situation, though
rape and sexual abuse also occur too frequently in same-sex relationships.
The main differences between stranger
rape and marital rape
Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don't know,
with whom you don't share any experiences or history. When the assault
happens, there can be no doubt as to what is happening: that it
is Rape (though even in such situations the victim will often wonder
what she has done to precipitate the assault and will blame herself).
In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It
is - quite apart from a physical and sexual violation - a betrayal
of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately,
with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children.
Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis
often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate
secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best
for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital
rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis
of the marital relationship, because it questions every
understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage,
but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above
all, very confused.
"When it is the person you have entrusted your life
to who rapes you, it isn’t just physical or sexual assault,
it is a betrayal of the very core of your marriage, of your
person, of your trust."
Also, while stranger rape is a sexual act of violence outside (as
in: apart from) the victims normal relationships, marital rape has
to be understood in the context of an abusive relationship, that
is, in the context of emotional and possibly physical abuse.
One of the differences between stranger and intimate rape is that
stranger rape will nearly always involve a certain degree of physical
violence (one notable exception to this is rape involving the date
rape drug) while a lot of cases of marital rape will involve coercion
and only enough force to control the victim, known as 'force-only'
rapes (see below).
Another problem victims of marital rape face is that such instances
are rarely a one-off, but a repeated if not frequent occurance.
This can be a huge issue to the victim, because she will feel as
though she has somehow 'asked for it' by staying or putting herself
in the situation where it can happen again. Also, once it has been
tolerated on a number of occassions, she may question her right
to then act upon it.
Different types of rape
Marital rape is generally sub-divided into three categories: those
rapes which involve a degree of violence, those that use enough
force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes, and sadistic
rapes.
-
Violent rape occurs, as the name suggests,
when the abuser uses enough physical violence to cause injury
to the victim, apart from any injuries due to the rape itself,
ie injuries to the genital area or breasts. Examples would include
the husband punching his wife or injuring her with a knife -
the rape being part of a violent assault, or the violence being
a part of the rape. Many abusers will also force their wives
to submit to sexual acts after a physical assault, either to
prove her forgiveness or to further intimidate and humiliate
her - and if the wife should refuse such an act, even the threat
of further violence (or a previous experience!) will soon ensure
her compliance.
-
'Force-only' rape is usually understood to
include only enough force used on the part of the abuser to
control or hold his wife in position, eg holding down the victim
by her arms or wrists to prevent her defending herself or escaping.
This form of rape is common where there is a larger contrast
between the physical size and strength of abuser and victim,
or in abusive relationships where physical violence is infrequent
or non-existent (insofar as one does not categorise sexual assault
itself as a violent act). In most cases of 'force-only' rape,
coercion plays a large part. The victim may also be so confused
and numbed by constant emotional abuse, that she simply does
not know how to act or react when sex is forced on her.
-
Sadistic rape is sometimes also present. This
tends to indicate that in addition to the rape itself, the victim
is either forced to comply with or undergo deeds designed to
further humiliate her. Examples of this would be the abuser/rapist
urinating on the victim, acting out a fantasy of torturer, or
using other object during a rape. Sadistic rape may or may not
involve further violence. Some people consider buggery as a
sadistic form of rape, since its effect on victim is often particularly
humiliating.
It is difficult defining clear-cut lines between the different
types of rape, since rape can involve any of the above or a combination
of them. For instance, the rapist may use coercion tactics and enough
force to control the victim initially, but then use increased violence
if the victim struggles. Many victims of marital rape feel guilty
for not having struggled more, or have been told that if they did
not try to physically fight their abuser and thereby sustained injuries,
that it is not 'real rape'. This can be extremely distressing and
add to the trauma already experienced. What has to be remembered
is that when you are living with your abuser, you are often very
finely tuned to him, employing numerous coping mechanisms to limit
the damage to yourself: you may realise either consciously or subconsciously
that if you struggle, he is likely to get violent or take his anger
out on you in other ways.
"I tried to push him off me, so he grabbed both
my arms and flung them above my head, held them there and continued
... He held my arms by the wrists with one of his hands and
held them so tight and with so much of his weight on them, that
they really hurt and then started losing any sensation. When
he finally let go I did not make the same mistake again ..."
Other reasons a woman may not fight back are so as not to disturb
children sleeping nearby, thereby risking them witnessing the rape;
shock or confusion at what is happening which paralyses her; and
real concern for her abuser, which results in her not wanting to
do anything which may harm or injure her rapist even to the detrement
of herself.
Research seems to indicate that in the context of an abusive relationship,
the woman is most likely to be subjected to rape towards the end
of the relationship, or after she has left, though several women
have reported that their boyfriends raped them at the very beginning
of their relationship - which is reminiscent of the ancient custom
of capturing and raping women to be able to claim them as wives.
It would appear that where rape starts in an established relationship,
that rape is often used by an abuser when other control tactics,
such as isolation or emotional abuse are no longer sufficient to
maintain his power and hold over her, or to punish her for either
leaving or trying to leave. Only too often, this works.
Did you know ...
Marital Rape was only made a criminal act
in the UK in 1991? Up until then it was considered impossible
for a man to rape or sexually assault his wife. To quote:
"A husband cannot rape his wife unless the parties are
seperated or the court has by injunction forbidden him to
interfere with his wife or he has given an undertaking in
court no to interfere with her." (The Law Made Simple,
The Chaucer Press, 1981) |
The problem of defining marital
rape as Rape
Many women who are victims of marital rape have great difficulty
in defining it as such. The traditional idea that it is impossible
for a man to rape his wife and that somehow, in taking our
marriage vows we have abdicated any say over our own body
and sexuality, basically denied ourselves the right to say
'no', is still prevalent amongst wives as much as amongst
their husbands. A wife being raped will often question her
right to refuse intercourse with her husband, and while she
may realise that legally it now constitutes rape, there are
many reasons which may prevent her from perceiving it in such
a light.
We prefer to see it possibly as a communication problem (did
I make it clear enough that I did not want intercourse tonight),
we may see it as an act for which the man is not fully responsible
due to his nature (men have a biological need to have
sex and if there is a woman next to them in bed when they
are in the mood they just cannot help it), we may see
it as a misunderstanding (although I told him I didn't
want to, maybe I gave him the wrong signals somehow),
we may have religious issues which question our right to refuse
intercourse (I have got to submit myself to him and accept
his will above mine as my Lord and Master).
Basically, as wives being raped by our husbands, we look
for every reason, every excuse to deny it is Rape because
we do not want to accept the alternative: it is Rape, he is
hurting and humiliating us with intent, we can no longer trust
him, turn to him in comfort, gain reassurance and protection
from his company and our home is no longer safe.
|
... TO BE CONTINUED ...
 Recovering
from Marital Rape: a Personal Journey
Further information and resources on Marital
Rape:
Poll: Do you think Marital/Intimate Rape should
be penalised the same as Stranger Rape?
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