I think I may be abusive ... what can I do?
Am I abusive?
Every month I receive a number of emails from both men and women
who are concerned that they may be abusive towards their partner.
You may have read through part of Hidden Hurt and other Domestic
Abuse sites and recognised yourself in some of the pages, or your
partner may have told you that your behaviour towards her/him is
abusive and told you how much you hurt and upset them. In this page
I am trying to give some idea of the options you have to stop this
tendency, the agencies which are there to support you and links
and helpline numbers to get you started.
If you are not quite sure whether your actions could be considered
abusive or not, read through the Warning
Signs of an Abusive Personality and search your heart. Are any
of those actions or attitudes ones you tend towards? You may also
find it helpful to read the article by John Stibbs on healthy and
unhealthy relationships: Emotional
Boundaries. Does your relationship tend more towards a healthy
or an unhealthy one?
Maybe you could ask yourself some of the following questions:
- would you treat your boss, mate or next-door-neighbour
the same way as you do your partner?
- if someone else were treating your daughter,
son, brother, sister or friend the same way as you treat your
partner, would you consider it okay or not?
- has your partner told you that your behaviour
is unreasonable or abusive?
- has your partner either left you or threatened
to leave you if you don't stop being nasty to her/him?
- have previous relationships gone to the wall
due to your behaviour?
If you have answered NO to either of the first questions, and YES
to any of the last three, then the chances are pretty high that
you are abusive towards your partner.
On taking Responsibility
First of all, if you have realised that some of your actions and
attitudes towards your partner may be abusive, you have already
made a very important step toward change and being able to enjoy
a mutually beneficial relationship. Well done! It is difficult and
painful to realise that you may be hurting someone you love, but
it is the first step towards change.
The only person who can make a difference is YOU! One of the main
problems with repeat abusers and perpetrators is denial of the abusive
nature of their actions and attitudes, and denial of any 'real'
effect on their victims. Acknowledging to ourselves that we have
a problem, or that we are hurting someone we love is very, very
difficult and painful, and many people can never quite admit it
to themselves.
A lot of abusive behaviours are ingrained, they may have been part
of your personality and coping mechanism since childhood, and they
are difficult not just to recognise, but also to crack. Nobody else
can do that for you, you have to take responsibility for your actions
yourself - fully. This means recognising when you are saying something
hurtful or doing something harmful to your partner; learning to
recognise your reactions within yourself, how you feel when you
get wound up, how you feel after an abusive episode; the thoughts
and excuses you make to yourself to allow you to deny you are really
doing anything wrong. Ask yourself some of these questions:
- do you regularly vent your frustration on your
partner?
- do you tell yourself that your partner is overreacting
to 'being told off'?
- do you tell your partner they are 'making a
fuss about nothing' or 'making a mountain out of molehill'?
- do you tell yourself what you do is not that
bad, so-and-so would be far worse?
- do you think that if your partner just didn't
'wind you up on purpose' then the abuse would not happen?
- do you tell yourself that your partner deserved
the abuse, coz they are not perfect either?
- do you tell yourself that coz you only get
nasty when you are drunk, it isn't really the same as if you were
really abusive?
If you answered YES to any of the above, you may still not be taking
full responsibility for your actions. It may be a good idea to discuss
the abuse, your feelings about it and attitudes towards your partner
with a third person, preferably someone not involved with either
of you, such as a counsellor or helpline volunteer. Check out the
links below.
Where can I get help?
There are several Perpetrator Programmes available throughout the
UK (though not in all areas as yet) and many of these accept self-referals.
To my knowledge, there are none at present that cater for female
perpetrators of Domestic Abuse, but there are several counsellors
and other professionals who are qualified to do so. RESPECT (see
Links below) can provide you
with a full list of either programmes or professionals in your area.
To find out what these Perpetrator Programmes entail, please check
out CHANGE
Perpetrator Programmes , and the BBC website Hitting Home also
has some details and some personal stories and impressions from
men and women who have been involved in such programmes (see Links
below for the link to Hitting Home).
The Freedom Programme© also runs courses for men across the
UK which look at the underlying beliefs and attitudes which create
an environment in which domestic abuse can occur together with the
tactics employed to control or abuse. The courses usually run over
a 2-day period and accept self-referrals. Please see the link below
for more details.
If you are facing prosecution for violence towards your partner,
the Court has got the option of referring you to such programmes,
and there are further programmes organised and run by the Probation
service - though these do not usually take self-referals. Attendance
at one of these will often be included if you are on probation.
Several of our contacts have tried accessing help via their local
GP or NHS service. Generally these have proven inadequate to their
needs, and there is the usual problem of waiting lists. However,
it is always worth checking with either you local GP or Health Center
whether there are any local charities or organisations they can
recommend or even refer you to. In a similar fashion, your local
Social Services should have details of any perpetrator programmes
or related services in your area, and are also able to refer.
Things which are not recommended
If violence has been, and especially if it currently still is an
issue in your relationship, then Couple Counselling
is not recommended. Nor is Mediation if you are
going through separation or divorce. Basically the abuse itself
has to be dealt with BEFORE any form of joint counselling or mediation
can be effective, and in the meantime can, at best, deflect from
the actual problem and fudge responsibility issues.
In the past Anger Management courses have been
recommended for abusers, especially men who have been violent towards
their wives or female partners. However, more and more research
seems to be indicating that such courses are not effective in dealing
with abusive behaviour as such, as abuse is less about being able
to control anger, and more about basic attitudes and control issues.
In short, anger management may be part of the problem, but is usually
not either the main problem or the root cause of Domestic Abuse.
Will getting help 'save' my relationship?
It may, or it may not. Often by the time the perpetrator realises
he or she has a problem, too much has already happened and the trust
cannot be rebuilt. Sadly a lot of men will refer themselves to perpetrator
programmes in a bid to stop their partner from leaving or even in
a bid to persuade her to come back and give it another try. If you
are seeking help with the sole intention or keeping or regaining
a partner who has decided to leave due to your abuse, then you are
probably approaching it with the wrong motives - more as a tool
to get or keep what you want than as a necessary change in yourself.
Perpetrator programmes or counselling can really only help if YOU
want to change. You may have to accept that due to your behaviour
you have lost the person you love, but at the very least you can
try to ensure that you do not cause more pain and hurt to the next
person you get involved in.
Other issues to bear in mind
Alcohol or Drug abuse. Frequently Domestic Violence is related
to alcohol or drug abuse. It is easy to turn around and 'blame'
the drink for the abuse, telling yourself that you really don't
want to be nasty, but that when you are drunk, you just don't realise
what you are doing. I am sorry, but this in itself is another form
of denial and blame-shifting. If you know that you get violent or
nasty when you drink, or that there is a risk that you will, why
do you continue drinking, and putting your partner at risk? If you
are serious about wanting to change your abusive tendencies, then
the first thing you will do is deal with your alcohol or drug addiction,
and then you will be free to deal with the underlying issues within
yourself which 'allow' you to turn violent or nasty while either
drunk or on drugs.
Survivors of childhood abuse. A percentage of abusers were
victims of childhood abuse themselves. If you are one of them, know
that it is not uncommon to internalise and in some way 'act out'
the abuse you experienced in later in life on other people. There
is help for you, and you would probably benefit from counselling
to help you come to terms with your own experiences as a child and
understand how they have affected you throughout your life and in
respect of your relationships. Often there are a lot of suppressed
feelings of anger, betrayal and pain which may in part be an underlying
issue in the abuse you perpetrate on others. There are loads of
support groups and counsellors qualified to help (please note
that since Hidden Hurt does not in itself deal with child abuse,
we do not include at present a list of suitable links or websites
- check out the internet search engines or directories where many
other websites deal with this issue in very adequately).
Taking time out. One tactic or coping mechanism that many
abusers have learned to use effectively is 'taking time out'. This
basically involves recognising when you are reaching the point at
which you are likely to become abusive, and literally removing yourself.
You may go for a walk, go into another room or go down the garden
and do some weeding. The important thing is to remove yourself 'from
the boil', take time out, and learn to calm down again. Obviously
it would be a good idea to tell your partner you intend 'taking
time out' before the event occurs - or they may be left wondering
what you are doing! It is not suggested that you
use this coping tactic instead of counselling, but simply that many
have found it helpful in avoiding abusive actions and making themselves
more aware of what they are feeling and thinking.
Links and Helplines which may be useful:
Blain
Nelson's Abuse Pages - A website created and maintained by an
ex-abuser. Very descriptive pages on the cycle of abuse especially;
his feelings and denial; 'his' and 'her' stories - a MUST READ for
anyone who is concerned that they may be abusive!
RESPECT
- The National Association for Domestic Violence Perpetrator Programmes
and Associated Support Services. RESPECT hold a full list of Perpetrator
Programmes in the UK (including those that accept self-referral),
together with counsellors, etc trained in this field. Telephone
for details on 020 8563 8523 or email info@respect.uk.net
.
Hitting
Home - Part of the BBC Hitting Home website on Domestic Abuse.
This link will take you straight to the page "Help for Perpetrators".
Everyman Project - Tel. 020 7737 6747.
Counselling, support and advice to men who are violent or concerned
about their violence, and anyone affected by that violence.
Back to Who is the Abuser?
|
