Hidden Hurt - Domestic Abuse Information, based in the UK
No matter who you are, you are likely to have some experience of Domestic Abuse at some stage in your life.
For a general overview of domestic violence, click here.You may be in an abusive relationship, wondering whether it is, or simply confused by mixed emotions regarding your partner; you may have escaped and are trying to make sense of what happened; you may know someone who is being abused and want to understand what they are going through; or you may be worried that you are abusive towards the person you love.
Please note that I am not a counsellor, or hold any qualifications apart from having been there and survived myself. The information is neither comprehensive, nor infallible!
The following pages are designed to help understand the dynamics of an abusive relationships, the different types of abuse, it's effect on both direct victims (ie person being abused) and indirect victims (ie children living in a house where abuse occurs), specific issues facing the Christian abuse victim, and helpful links and telephone numbers inside the UK, together with other resources. One of the most visited parts of Hidden Hurt are the Personal Stories.
Being Politically Correct
Throughout most of this site I have referred to the victim of abuse as female, the abuser as male. This is to simplify the grammar (ie avoiding 'she/he', since we don't have a common word for both) and make the information more readable, though I realise that there are many men who are either current victims of domestic abuse or have survived and escaped an abusive relationship.
There is also a page specifically for male victims of domestic violence and survivors of abuse, together with further links, in Hidden Hurt, and the vast majority of articles try to consider the experience of abuse from both a male and a female perspective.
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Included you will find all the newest articles and personal stories which have been added to Hidden Hurt, together with various research contributions, upcoming events relevant to domestic violence and book recommendations.
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Are you in an abusive relationship?
... sometimes feel afraid of your partner?
Does your partner:
... get jealous easily, even without reason?
If you can answer yes to most of those, then chances are, you are in an abusive relationship. Read more about the Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality and also have a look at the Characteristics of domestic abuse victims.
Get involved in Hidden Hurt and helping Surivors!
There are many things you can do to help Hidden Hurt and thereby help other victims and survivors of domestic abuse:
If you are an abuse Survivor: send in your personal story and poems to help current victims not feel quite so isolated and alone. Spare some of your time and visit our Message forum to read and answer some of the messages. The Forum is a lifeline for many people trying to make sense of their relationship and feelings.
If you are a professional working in the DV field: Share some of your experience and knowledge with us. We are always looking for knowledable articles on all aspect of domestic abuse as well as the practical aspect of leaving an abusive relationship and learning to live again. Do you work in a Shelter? Write and tell us what it is like and what help and support we can expect to find there. What about Outreach Services - what do they offer the current victim or the survivor trying to rebuild their lives? No matter what your professional involvement, you are bound to have some knowledge which could help people struggling with domestic violence issues.
Types of Abuse gives definitions of different forms of abuse, from physical violence (battery) through to Financial Abuse, together with examples of each kind. It also covers aspects such as threats, marital rape and isolation. A good starting point for anyone either seeking general information on abuse or victims confused about what is happening to them and needing to know whether their experiences really are abuse.
The Victim covers some of the main myths and facts surrounding abuse, looks at why we stay in abusive relationships, offers advice for those trying to understand and support abuse victims, gives an insight into some of the characteristics abused people tend to display and offers suggestions both on leaving safely and how to get through the day once one has left.
The Abuser looks at how an abusive relationship works (the dynamics of abuse) and offers a pictoral idea of how central the concepts of power and control in abuse. The characteristics or warning signs of an abusive personality are also to be found in this section. Also included is a page on where to get help if you think you may be abusive towards your partner.
Children and DV takes a brief look at the effects on children living in a home where abuse takes place. Hidden Hurt does NOT deal with child abuse which is specifically directed towards children (there are loads of sites which deal with this very serious topic very well already), but simply their perception of and involvement in Domestic Violence where the abuse is directed mainly at their main caregiver. Further information includes Contact related issues (UK) and Family Court Guidelines, further reading and links.
Articles. This section is for all those articles which don't really fit into any of the other sections or could be in several of them! Topics range from Emotional Boundaries in relationships, through Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and dissociation, to the difference in being a Victim or a Survivor and Marital Rape.
Appeal to male victims of domestic violence
Are you interested in participating in a radio documentary?
I am a third year student from Canterbury Christ Church University, I am undertaking a radio project in which I hope to outline the issues regarding the treatment of male victims.
In reference to the criminal justice system the way in which males are most likely to be arrested in episodes of abuse in comparison to females. It seems that male victims of domestic violence have yet to be fully recognised. I am appealing to any male victims who have suffered mental or physical abuse from their partner, regardless of gender to be able to share their stories with me in a short chat, in which I will record to go into the documentary.
I can do these interviews in person or over the telephone, preferably in person however, I am more than willing to fit in with the individual. I can edit individual's voices and ensure that names are changed completely.
Amongst appealing for victims, I have been talking to two forensic psychologists in which one is identifying the fundamental issues within society and contemporary culture, whereas the other is from the university of Birmingham and she is just beginning to undertake international research in the ways in which male victims of domestic violence is approached and the way in which awareness could work to impact the way in which male victims are recognised. I am also beginning discussions with a family judge who will outline the legal issues involved in domestic abuse situations. I am extremely keen on raising this issues awareness.
I have previously undertaken documentaries in which have included issues surrounding disability hate crime, in which has been highly regarded by Criminologist Professor Paul Iganski. I am completely aware of the ethical issues surrounding this project and I will do all that's in my power to make sure that individuals will remain completely confidential, unless specified.
It won't take long and I am more than happy to travel to wherever is best for you. I am preferably looking for interviews to take place within the next month, however, this can be open to discussion.
Thank you once again and kindest regards,
To contact Alex, please send an email to:
Smith, Alexandra email@example.com
Personal Stories is the most personal part of Hidden Hurt. This is the place for survivors to share their experiences and feelings, poetry and anything else which related to either living with abuse or the journey of healing and recovery. Please take care while browsing this part of Hidden Hurt, as some of the stories can be triggering.
The Message Forum is a lively and supportive message board for victims, survivors, both male and female, and those wanting to know how to help friends or family being abused. The Forum is a US/UK joint effort, moderated by survivors. You DO NOT need to give any personal details to participate, and you are very welcome simply to browse and read the messages.
Religion and Abuse tries to deal with some of the issues facing Christian victims and survivors of abuse and includes articles on Biblical Equality, forgiveness, guidelines for Pastors and Rabbis, and also looks at what the Bible has to say on the issues of violence and abuse. If you can offer a spiritual or religious perspective from a different faith, please contact us!
Resources. This is the section to visit if you are looking for books to read, need to know whether there is someone you can call to speak to about your situation or options, if you would like to follow a link to more DV related sites or gain a better understanding of a particular aspect of abuse.
Research is your opportunity to help me to improve Hidden Hurt! Fill in the Questionnaire or send me your thoughts on on some of the issues. Hidden Hurt is here for YOU, let me know what you would like to read about, what would further help!
The long-awaited book from our very own Steve from the Hidden Hurt Message Forum as finally arrived!
THE JERK RADAR
Have you ever gone out with someone who seemed perfect at first, but ended
up being a nightmare? Do you find yourself falling in love but ending up feeling
disrespected and used? Would you like to make sure that something like that
never happens to you (or someone you care about) again? If so, this book is
written for you. There are lots of books about how to tell if you're in an
abusive relationship. This is book will keep you from getting into one in
the first place. Jerk Radar will help you see how a Jerk takes advantage of
common cultural expectations and romantic myths to blind you to his true intentions.
It will give you concrete ways to test out his intentions in the course of
a normal conversation. And the Jerk Radar Quiz provides an effective tool
to screen every partner for Jerky tendencies well before obviously selfish
behavior emerges. Full of true stories from abuse survivors, Jerk Radar pulls
no punches in exposing what Jerks do and why we fall for it. This is a useful,
down-to-earth, practical guide to avoiding a bad relationship instead of recovering
from one. Read it today - it just may change your life!
To order in the US: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts
To order in the UK:Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts
Steve McCrea, MS, has worked for over 20 years with survivors
of domestic abuse and their children. He has participated in many local collaboartive
projects on domestic abuse, and has provided community trainings on working
effectively with domestic abuse survivors. He currently works as an advocate
for children in the foster care system. He has volunteered for the past 9
years as facilitator for an on-line abuse survivor community, whose members
contributed most of the stories in the book.
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